Nashville Marriage Studio was created to help Nashville couples design the marriage they’ve always wanted. One way we do this is through premarital counseling. Premarital counseling allows a couple to learn valuable relationship skills, deepen their commitment to the relationship, and increase their confidence as they prepare to walk down the aisle.
As we enter the beginning of the traditional wedding season I will be “doing” premarital counseling with popular fictional couples that we all know and love.
Every couple fights. We all know and accept this. However, many of us are terrified of conflict with someone we love. We hate the way arguing feels. The anger of being wronged. The guilt of doing something wrong. The fear that things might not turn out ok. Because of all these negative feelings many of us either avoid arguing or simply do it completely wrong.
My favorite session in premarital counseling is the one where the couple fights. They bring a problem in and begin to fight. From there we learn how to fight fair and how to communicate in a way that leaves you feeling closer than ever before.
Big and Carrie brought this fight in for their conflict resolution session:
Big is planning to move to Paris for work. He did not talk to Carrie about it beforehand. This left Carrie feeling disconnected and unimportant to Big. In this particular fight, however, Carrie is looking past her feelings and wants to focus on possible solutions. Big does not appear interested in finding ways to make their relationship work which sets Carrie off.
(This is part of an episode of SATC, so expect some naughty words.)
In premarital counseling we would offer the following tips for better conflict management for Big and Carrie:
Don’t Fight Mad
When Carrie throws the McDonald’s sandwiches (I heart McDonald’s and was particularly upset about this wasteful behavior) across the room that should have been a loud and clear signal that now is not the time to fight. Anger is a good emotion. It lets us know that something is wrong with a situation. We like anger. And Carrie has every right to feel angry when Big insists that she shouldn’t make decisions based on their relationship. All that being said, don’t try to have a discussion while you’re mad. Physiologically it’s impossible. You’re brain is being flooded with all sorts of hormones that make it really difficult to think critically about a situation.
Tip: When you feel like throwing a hamburger take a time-out. AND if someone throws a hamburger at you catch it let them know that you two will continue this conversation in a designated amount of time.
Ask Questions
Right after she throws the hamburger (seriously breaks my heart) Carrie screams “You don’t even care!” I will admit that Big’s actions do not seem to be in line with someone who is “in it to win it” when it comes to the relationship, however Carrie is not in Big’s head. She does not know what he is thinking, and she has no right to tell him what he is thinking. Telling him what he thinks will only cause him to feel defensive. Defensiveness will either lead to more shouting or to him shutting down.
Carrie desperately wants to know Big cares. This means she needs to ask him questions in order to get this information. A better way to get the information she wants would be to say, “Right now, I don’t feel important to you. What makes it so hard to commit to me?”
Tip: Asking questions, rather than telling the other person what they’re thinking, will lead to better discussions. It is key, however, that you’re spirit of questioning is one of an “information gatherer” and not an “evidence of how much you don’t love me gatherer”.
Reflective Listening
Eventually Big says “This isn’t about ‘us’, this is about work!” Not such a hot way to phrase that. It just reinforces Carrie’s idea that she isn’t a factor in his life. At any point in this conversation Big could have started reflecting back what he heard Carrie saying. For example, after Carrie screamed that Big didn’t care Big could have said, “Carrie, I hear you saying that you feel unimportant to me and that you think I don’t care about our relationship. Is that right?”
Speaking like this feels weird and unnatural at first, but it does wonders for both partners. When Big takes the time to really process what Carrie is saying he would begin to feel less defensive and more empathetic towards her. When Carrie hears her words repeated from Big she is given the gift of feeling heard. Trust me, it’s an amazing gift.
Tip: Reflective listening is hard and weird, but oh, so worth it. A framework to use is – “I hear you saying (fill in what you heard). That must feel (how would it feel if you were in your partner’s shoes?). How much of that did I get right?” This takes lots of practice because it is so not how we normally talk.
The fight session is so seriously so much fun. And learning how to fight is a million times more valuable than trying to never fight.
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I need to work on all of these, especially reflective listening. When my boyfriend and I get upset, we care so much about getting our points across. We need to get into a better habit of taking a chill pill and listening to each other.
I think reflective listening is the hardest because so few people practice it. It feels weird at first. Despite the beginning awkwardness, I think practicing it will improve ANY marriage/relationship.
These are all really good points and I’m so glad you let it be known that all couples fight!
As a relationship expert (www.ChoiceRelationships.com), I would like to add that couples need to know the skills they can learn will help them handle the conflicts much better. When they do, their partnerships fare much better as well. In addition to the skills offered in this post, I have some others which I offer in a free teleseminar, “The 7 Tools to Manage Conflict Communication in Your Relationship.” To hear it, go to: http://choicerelationships.com/teleseminar_resources.
Teleseminars are really very helpful and i always look for it on the internet.;~’
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