Hazing is wrong. We should not force people to drink 3 times their weight in alcohol to be accepted into a fraternity. Or push pins into a soldier’s chest because he or she moved up in rank. Or harass and degrade one another in an effort to feel like we belong to a group. Hazing is wrong.
However, many people who were hazed as a group feel closer to those they were hazed with. It’s why pledge classes are so close to one another. Many in the military or on the police force believe it is essential for building strong bonds quickly. When you go through hell with another person you feel close to them, like they understand you in a way others don’t. People who get hazed seem to become closer because of their suffering.
Why does this not happen for marriages? Why do financial crises tear us apart rather than draw us close? How come sickness has the power to destroy our hope in one another? Why do we run away from one another when one of the kids starts acting out?
How does going through hell with your pledge class leave you feeling close to one another, yet going through hell with your spouse leave you feeling farther apart than ever before?
Pledge classes and officers in the military have the benefit of realizing that all that pain and agony is coming from some outside force. They are able to identify a third party, like the cruel fraternity brother or the “traditions” of the military.
Married couples often lose this perspective. Something becomes distorted and they begin to see each other as the source of pain and agony, rather than the possibility of a third party. Instead of standing together against a problem, many times a couple begins to stand against one another.
If you’re feeling disconnected from your spouse, what are some ways to remind yourself that your partner is on the same team? If you take a step back, what “outside forces” are causing problems in your relationship? How can you tackle those issues as a team?
