There will come a time in every relationship where a couple will get stuck trying to make a decision:
She wants to follow a job. He doesn’t want to move.
She wants Chinese. He wants Mexican.
She wants to start trying to have kids this year. He wants to wait a couple more years.
She wants to put the extra money towards retirement. He wants to go to Las Vegas.
The stuck feeling comes because it is easy to assume one of two things are going to happen. Either one of you is going to get your way (one loser, one winner) or neither of you will get what you want (two losers and sometimes referred to as ‘compromise’).
This is sad because most conflict during decision making occurs because we’re stuck with this false assumption: All conflict results in a loser. Obviously, no one wants to be a loser so we fight harder and harder to get what we want without ever stepping back to ask, “How can we both win?”
How can we both win?
Couples, you need to be in the habit of asking this question. How can I get what I want AND you get what you want?
Let me introduce you to the Win-Win Waltz from Susan Heitler. I love this skill and this therapist.
The Win-Win Waltz has each of you focus on what your underlying concerns are about the decision. Let’s take the decision about having kids. She wants to start this year and he wants to wait a bit. On the front end this seems about as either/or as it gets, you’re either having kids or you’re not.
Asking about the underlying concerns we find out that she wants to have kids this year because her parents were older and she has always wanted to be a young, hip mom that could be active with her kids. She fears that waiting will mean that she’ll be too old to be the kind of mom she wants to be. He is hesitant about starting their family this year because he would really like to own a home first. For him being a homeowner means that they have stability and security, two things he wants before introducing kids to the world.
After identifying the underlying concerns, the couple would now list solutions that took both of their concerns into account, or ask the question “How can we BOTH win?”
So instead of focusing on the fact that he doesn’t want kids right now, they’ll focus on making an environment where he’ll feel better having kids. Maybe they’ll both commit to saving money so he feels secure about starting a family. And while they save money they could also begin doing the activities that she sees a young hip mom doing. Maybe they’ll go to the zoo more often or go on camping trips as a way to prepare for the active family life she’s hoping for.
Learning how to make decisions together is a sure way to have a relationship made up of two winners.
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