Photo Credit: Daedrius
One of my favorite marriage “facts” comes from John Gottman, a renowned marriage and family therapist. He has observed that successful marriages seem to operate on a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction. The amount of fighting doesn’t seem to matter as long as there are 5 times as many good interactions as bad ones.
I loved this nugget relationship goodness because it seemed to bring some cold hard numbers to a field that is characterized by its touchy feely-ness. Finally, the world of relationships had a metric that could be used!
And then I realized that this ratio was saying something even more powerful. This ratio says good couples fight. Good couples have negative interactions!
How many of us have this dream of being in a relationship where all of our needs were being met? Where we never fight? Where everything is perfect all the time?
Yeah, I’ve had that dream, too. But it’s not a reality. Great couples don’t avoid conflict, or wait to be satisfied in their relationship when all the fighting is done. No, great couples realize that’s a waste and a lie.
Being in a relationship with someone will bring conflict. There is no way to avoid this. It’s a fact. What great couples are able to avoid, however, is letting that conflict and negativity over run their relationship.
Quit trying to avoid fights, and start being intentional about creating as many positive interactions in your relationship as possible.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
wow, well put. that is some great advice!
Thanks, Phil!