One of the best things Mark and I learned in pre-marital counseling is the importance of talking about your feelings, or your emotions.
Emotions are what motivate us. They cause movement. Think about it. When are you going to start working out when you’ve been out of the gym for 3 years? It’s not going to come out of no where. It’s going to be because of a feeling. Either when you are feeling randomly energetic or when you are feeling ugly and bloated.
Emotions motivate our actions, and understanding your emotions gives you insight into why you’re doing what you’re doing. Naturally, talking about your emotions gives you and your partner key information for changing or creating behaviors and patterns.
Consider this, ladies. You’ve felt something negative about your husband. Maybe you felt disrespected in front of his family. Instead of sharing your feelings with him, you act your feeling out. You start disrespecting him back because that will show him. Or you give him the chilly silent treatment. Or you snap, “I’m fine” when he asks what’s up.
In all of those scenarios your feelings are dictating and motivating your actions. And the best way to get rid of the negative behavior is to acknowledge the feeling as soon as possible.
In my example, I admitted to my husband that I was afraid and feeling disconnected from him. That I felt like leaving. Prior to telling him that I was afraid, I was acting out my fear that he wasn’t going to take care of me the way I needed him to by trying to do everything on my own, not asking for help and becoming resentful of him.
Talking about your emotions can’t happen in just any relationship. Sharing your feelings requires vulnerability and being vulnerable will not happen if you do not feel safe. If you hesitate to share your feelings because of shame or because you believe your spouse won’t care, a deeper trust needs to be rebuilt.
Sharing your emotions requires having a feeling vocabulary. If the only emotions you can think of are mad, happy and sad then it’s time to learn some new feeling words. Maybe you aren’t mad, but frustrated. Maybe you weren’t sad, but disappointed. Properly describing your feelings is key. You can use a feeling chart like this one.
Acknowledge your emotions. Trust your partner. Share your feelings.
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