How to Deal with an Insecure Playmate

Confession time.

I love Kendra Wilkinson. Absolutely adore her. She’s just so stinkin’ likable, ya know?

I’m also loving how honest Season 2 has started. The frustration of having a kid immediately after getting married. The body issues. The desire for romance. I’m also loving Hank Baskett. He should look into teaching a class on how to be a husband because he’s quite good.

Ok, I’ll end my love fest now, and let’s talk about this scene:

I love that they were able to capture this exchange on camera.

At 1:14, we get to see Kendra’s expression change as she is flooded with feelings of insecurity, sadness, hurt and anger.

Next, at 1:34, we get to watch Hank’s expression change from “I’m such a lucky guy” to “oh, crap, I’m in trouble and I have no clue why!”.

I love that they caught this on tape because I’m pretty sure that every relationship on the face of the planet has experienced this same scenario at one time or another.

These are fights that start simply because the wind seemed to blow the wrong way. For Kendra and Hank, I still can’t tell what set her off, maybe he spoke too sweetly to one of her friends. I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter the trigger, her feelings were hurt.

So Kendra feels insecure and hurt. She immediately withdraws from Hank by pulling her hand away and the emotional temperature in the car got much cooler, I’m sure.

You can’t avoid this most of the time. People’s feelings get hurt for random reasons, it’s life. How we handle these mood changes is the key.

It would be easy, and logical even, for Hank to become defensive (“I didn’t do anything, Kendra!”) or try to point how she was being irrational (“You’re just being moody and seeing things.”)

Instead, Hank starts asking questions (“What did I do?”). More than likely he isn’t going to get an answer, but he is setting an important tone. He’s saying that he’s open to hear what’s going on, and that he hasn’t closed the door. And as backwards as it may seem, Kendra pulling away from Hank was a bid for reassurance about their relationship, it’s her sign to him that she needs to know she’s number one. Hank opening himself to her with questions lets her know their connection is still intact and that he cares.

That’s where this scene ends, but as the show goes on Kendra cries to Hank that she doesn’t feel pretty and that it’s hard to be around her friends right now.  Beautiful use of “I-statements”, Kendra, beautiful. Her ability to recognize and own her feelings about the changes her body has gone through makes it so much easier for Hank to step in and voice his opinion on the topic. If she had started the conversation accusing Hank of doing a crappy job of telling her she was beautiful or being too nice to her friends there would be no emotional way for Hank to be emotionally available to Kendra because he’d be to busy defending himself against her attacks.

Hank has the freedom to reassure Kendra that she is the most beautiful woman in the world and he doesn’t want to be with anyone else in the world. This interaction? A success. A bond affirming success.

Points to remember:
1) Don’t be afraid or think anything is “wrong” when the emotional climate in your relationship suddenly changes. It’s normal.
2) When the climate changes do everything you can to keep the defensive walls down and instead choose to ask questions about the feelings.
3) When it’s your feelings that have gone sour take some time to identify what the feelings really are (loneliness, abandonment, insecurity are some big ones) and share this with your spouse.
4) After hearing the feelings that are swirling around in this person you love’s head and heart let this person know you understand and ask how you can best help.
5) Your bond will be enhanced and you’ll feel closer.