Independence is considered something that is given up when you decide to get married. Your freedom to go and do what you please is deemed over and done. No longer are you allowed girl’s nights or buying motorcycles just because you want to. There are no more fun trips backpacking through Europe or chasing down your dream job. Marriage is simply a polite form of slavery, right?
I say, No. Not at all. Or at least it doesn’t have to be. Marriage does not have to be the boring marriages our parents had where we settle into suburbia and call it a day. If you choose, marriage can mean a biker buddy for your new motorcycle. Or someone to help carry the load as you backpack through Europe. Marriage can be an in-house cheerleader as you make your dream job a reality.
Marriage is the freedom to choose the life you want AND the opportunity to bring along your best friend.
Hazing is wrong. We should not force people to drink 3 times their weight in alcohol to be accepted into a fraternity. Or push pins into a soldier’s chest because he or she moved up in rank. Or harass and degrade one another in an effort to feel like we belong to a group. Hazing is wrong.
However, many people who were hazed as a group feel closer to those they were hazed with. It’s why pledge classes are so close to one another. Many in the military or on the police force believe it is essential for building strong bonds quickly. When you go through hell with another person you feel close to them, like they understand you in a way others don’t. People who get hazed seem to become closer because of their suffering.
Why does this not happen for marriages? Why do financial crises tear us apart rather than draw us close? How come sickness has the power to destroy our hope in one another? Why do we run away from one another when one of the kids starts acting out?
How does going through hell with your pledge class leave you feeling close to one another, yet going through hell with your spouse leave you feeling farther apart than ever before?
Pledge classes and officers in the military have the benefit of realizing that all that pain and agony is coming from some outside force. They are able to identify a third party, like the cruel fraternity brother or the “traditions” of the military.
Married couples often lose this perspective. Something becomes distorted and they begin to see each other as the source of pain and agony, rather than the possibility of a third party. Instead of standing together against a problem, many times a couple begins to stand against one another.
If you’re feeling disconnected from your spouse, what are some ways to remind yourself that your partner is on the same team? If you take a step back, what “outside forces” are causing problems in your relationship? How can you tackle those issues as a team?
I’m an unabashed fan of Gary Vaynerchuck. I don’t know that there is any way to describe how great he is. Smart, down to earth, funny. What more could a groupie ask for, right?
In my love for all things Gary I’ve come to realize one very important thing. This guy is an awesome husband. Or at least he plays one on Twitter.
Sense of Humor
Men deem “having a sense of humor” an important quality in a woman. Except when men say “sense of humor” what they really mean is “she laughs at my jokes“. Watch any of Gary’s talks and you’ll find that he is very funny. More importantly, he laughs at his wife’s jokes, too!
Loves His Job
Our culture hasn’t figured out a great way to define manhood. Some think it’s the ability to procreate. Or the ability to fight in a cage. But all that results in are episodes of “Maury Povich” and cauliflower ear.
I’m not going to try to define manhood, but I think part of the definition includes providing for your family while at the same time respecting your DNA. Gary not only LIVES this, he preaches it, too. Being a great man is a prerequisite for being a great husband.
Has Outside Interests
This is more a case of an awesome couple in action, but still. Lots of women people get married and think that it somehow means that all their spouse’s annoying habits hobbies will disappear. Like a fanatical obsession with the Jets. I obviously don’t know how Lizzie feels about Gary’s love for the Jets, but it doesn’t seem like she’s asking him to give up his zeal. Husbands having interests and hobbies outside of the marriage is a GOOD THING. It makes him more interesting, more fully himself, and it participating in that hobby gives the husband a chance to miss the wife.
Conscious
I have a Masters of Marriage & Family Therapy, and I’m always paying attention to people’s marriages. When Gary and Lizzie gave birth to precious Misha, I held my breath. Were they going to become one of those couples whose marriage was ruined by a baby? And then I saw that Tweet. And I exhaled. Babies don’t ruin marriages. Especially ones as cute as Misha. No, forgetting that you’re a parent AND a spouse ruins marriages. Good play, Gary.
I hate working out. I hate it. But I hate buying new pants more. So I try to get to the gym regularly.
There are many reasons I hate working out. It’s hard and I get tired. Sometimes it’s boring. Sometimes it just isn’t convenient. The biggest reason I hate working out is that I don’t know that I’m doing anything right. Am I doing the right exercises? Does my plan fit my personal fitness goals? There are so many exercise and diet plans that I get overwhelmed. I honestly don’t know which one to use because I’m not a personal trainer.
A personal trainer would listen to my goals and develop a plan to make them happen. A personal trainer would take into account my lifestyle, schedule, and current physical state and figure out how to get me to where I want to be. A personal trainer would know how to guide me.
Same is true with our relationship fitness. There are plenty of books and websites promising to make your love life better. There are plans and theories on the best ways to fight and the best way to love.
All of them could be great, but what is the best advice for you? How do you know that you’ll get the relationship results you want? What relationship experts or “personal trainers” are helping you figure out the path to the relationship of your dreams?
Seth Godin’s book “The Dip” talks about the importance of defining the terms of quitting before you begin. If you don’t you’ll be the runner who gives up on the marathon because her legs are starting to get tired. If you don’t you’ll be the inventor who gives up because 5 attempts at the remote control doggie door fail.
Define the dip for your marriage before it even starts. Define what “enough” is so that you’ll know it when you see it. Define the dip so that you won’t be discouraged by the inevitable fatigue and failure that comes with the marital territory. Define the dip so that you won’t be tricked into quitting before you really want to.
There are times when a couple needs to quit the marriage. A point where it isn’t worth trying anymore. Define those times before you start.
I am currently in the middle of a hardcore marathon of Grey’s Anatomy. Besides ruining my anniversary, I’m finding that Grey’s is a wonderful source of inspiration for relationship topics.
I’m in the middle of Season 2 and Addison and McDreamy are trying to work through her infidelity. She argues that it was simply a ploy for attention. They are both high profile surgeons trying to balance life and work, and the affair was simply a sign of an imbalance.
It got me thinking. How do we manage our time between our careers and our personal life, especially when we’re married?
When you’re dating the lines seem to be a little clearer. There are designated date nights and goodbye kisses on the porch. What about after tying the knot? Or even just moving in together. And this other person is there all. the. time.
This other person’s constant presence, seeing them in the morning, eating dinner with them, and the check-in phone calls all create this illusion that you’re spending time together. There is a difference between spending time around your spouse and spending time with your spouse.
Balancing work and life is hard for everyone. And it’s especially hard for married couples. And it’s even harder for married Millenials. Because Millenials a) think they can do everything and b) love to stay busy.
Here’s a nice guide to making time for your spouse:
Spend at least 15 minutes a day talking.
Spend one evening a week together, also known as the “date night”.
Spend one weekend a month with each other.
Spend one week a year on a vacation. Just the two of you.
I once had a professor talk about how she had a very precise way that she wanted the towels folded. No, a precise way that she needed the towels folded. Unfortunately, her husband was never able to meet her towel folding standards. She complained of spending time every evening refolding towels that he had messed up. Messed up towels drove her nuts. More than anything, she wanted him to leave her towels alone.
And then he passed away. She told us that she would give anything to for him to mess the towels up one last time.
How does your spouse annoy you? How is the behavior endearing? What annoying habits would you be surprised to “miss”?
Maybe you storm out of the room in a huff. Or one of you snores. Or one of you cheated. Sometimes it’s one person that keeps making the mistake and that person gets labeled the “bad guy” in the relationship.
Being labeled the “bad guy” isn’t good for the relationship. The “good guy” doesn’t feel motivated to change because it’s not their problem. And the “bad guy” doesn’t feel motivated to change because it’s always their problem. Instead of feeling like you’re on the same team with someone you love, you feel like you’re in a face off with someone you hate.
Bad Guy vs. Good Guy
Relationships that feel like face-offs won’t, and can’t, last. Relationships that feel like teamwork will last. And you’ll have more fun.
Quit looking for someone to blame. Instead treat problems like a soccer ball that you kick between the two of you. It isn’t “his problem” or “her problem”, it’s OUR PROBLEM. How is storming out of the room hurting both of you? If one of you cheated, how are both of you responsible for the situation (and, yes, both of you are)?
And if snoring is the problem, well, that is one person’s fault. Sorry. Get some nasal strips. And be thankful that’s your biggest problem!
