I say, No. Not at all. Or at least it doesn’t have to be. Marriage does not have to be the boring marriages our parents had where we settle into suburbia and call it a day. If you choose, marriage can mean a biker buddy for your new motorcycle. Or someone to help carry the load as you backpack through Europe. Marriage can be an in-house cheerleader as you make your dream job a reality.

Marriage is the freedom to choose the life you want AND the opportunity to bring along your best friend.

Hazing is wrong. We should not force people to drink 3 times their weight in alcohol to be accepted into a fraternity. Or push pins into a soldier’s chest because he or she moved up in rank. Or harass and degrade one another in an effort to feel like we belong to a group. Hazing is wrong.

However, many people who were hazed as a group feel closer to those they were hazed with. It’s why pledge classes are so close to one another. Many in the military or on the police force believe it is essential for building strong bonds quickly. When you go through hell with another person you feel close to them, like they understand you in a way others don’t. People who get hazed seem to become closer because of their suffering.

Why does this not happen for marriages? Why do financial crises tear us apart rather than draw us close? How come sickness has the power to destroy our hope in one another? Why do we run away from one another when one of the kids starts acting out?

How does going through hell with your pledge class leave you feeling close to one another, yet going through hell with your spouse leave you feeling farther apart than ever before?

Pledge classes and officers in the military have the benefit of realizing that all that pain and agony is coming from some outside force. They are able to identify a third party, like the cruel fraternity brother or the “traditions” of the military.

Married couples often lose this perspective. Something becomes distorted and they begin to see each other as the source of pain and agony, rather than the possibility of a third party. Instead of standing together against a problem, many times a couple begins to stand against one another.

If you’re feeling disconnected from your spouse, what are some ways to remind yourself that your partner is on the same team? If you take a step back, what “outside forces” are causing problems in your relationship? How can you tackle those issues as a team?

Research reference regarding “waiting it out” or pushing through the pain is here.

  Assuming you know what your partner is thinking is the first ingredient for relational disaster.

Assuming means you’re crossing a line that you aren’t allowed to cross.  It’s saying that you know what is going on in your partner’s head and heart.  And you don’t.  Unless you ask.

Assuming suggests that you two aren’t communicating so well.  Communication is fundamental for a successful relationship.

9 times out of 10 you’re assuming the worst.  Assuming he’s cheating, instead of assuming he’s telling everyone how amazing you are.  Assuming she only cares about herself, instead of assuming she’d do anything to make you happy if you’d just ask.

If you absolutely HAVE to assume.  Assume the best.  Your partner (probably) deserves the benefit of the doubt.

And then he passed away.  She told us that she would give anything to for him to mess the towels up one last time.

How does your spouse annoy you?    How is the behavior endearing?  What annoying habits would you be surprised to “miss”?

Being labeled the “bad guy” isn’t good for the relationship.  The “good guy” doesn’t feel motivated to change because it’s not their problem.  And the “bad guy” doesn’t feel motivated to change because it’s always their problem.  Instead of feeling like you’re on the same team with someone you love, you feel like you’re in a face off with someone you hate.

Bad Guy vs. Good Guy

Relationships that feel like face-offs won’t, and can’t, last.  Relationships that feel like teamwork will last.  And you’ll have more fun.

Quit looking for someone to blame.  Instead treat problems like a soccer ball that you kick between the two of you.  It isn’t “his problem” or “her problem”, it’s OUR PROBLEM.  How is storming out of the room hurting both of you?  If one of you cheated, how are both of you responsible for the situation (and, yes, both of you are)?

And if snoring is the problem, well, that is one person’s fault.  Sorry.  Get some nasal strips.  And be thankful that’s your biggest problem!

Photo by Dan Tantrum

The same is true for our relationships.  Relationship boundaries, like windows and fences, allow us to feel safe.  Feeling safe in a relationship allows the couple’s bond to strengthen and grow. 

Put safety first in your relationships:

Speak for yourself
The only experience you can truly know and speak for is your own.  Telling your partner what he or she is thinking is a common way to violate a boundary.  Sentences that start with “You always…” or “You think…” should be avoided at all costs. 

Ask Questions
Instead of telling your partner what he or she is thinking why not ask?  Asking questions about your partner’s thoughts or feelings on a topic is like ringing the doorbell to their heart and asking to come in.  The courtesy will be much appreciated.

Encourage
Some of us grew up in homes where we did not feel safe emotionally or physically due to various types of abuse.  Our past has made it hard to feel safe anywhere.  If this is the case for your relationship make it a daily habit to remind each other that this relationship is a safe place.  Along with practicing healthy boundaries, the daily encouragement will help you two focus on the task of creating a safe place to love each other.

How do you practice safe loving in your relationship?  What parts of your relationship don’t allow you to feel very safe?