Hazing is wrong. We should not force people to drink 3 times their weight in alcohol to be accepted into a fraternity. Or push pins into a soldier’s chest because he or she moved up in rank. Or harass and degrade one another in an effort to feel like we belong to a group. Hazing is wrong.

However, many people who were hazed as a group feel closer to those they were hazed with. It’s why pledge classes are so close to one another. Many in the military or on the police force believe it is essential for building strong bonds quickly. When you go through hell with another person you feel close to them, like they understand you in a way others don’t. People who get hazed seem to become closer because of their suffering.

Why does this not happen for marriages? Why do financial crises tear us apart rather than draw us close? How come sickness has the power to destroy our hope in one another? Why do we run away from one another when one of the kids starts acting out?

How does going through hell with your pledge class leave you feeling close to one another, yet going through hell with your spouse leave you feeling farther apart than ever before?

Pledge classes and officers in the military have the benefit of realizing that all that pain and agony is coming from some outside force. They are able to identify a third party, like the cruel fraternity brother or the “traditions” of the military.

Married couples often lose this perspective. Something becomes distorted and they begin to see each other as the source of pain and agony, rather than the possibility of a third party. Instead of standing together against a problem, many times a couple begins to stand against one another.

If you’re feeling disconnected from your spouse, what are some ways to remind yourself that your partner is on the same team? If you take a step back, what “outside forces” are causing problems in your relationship? How can you tackle those issues as a team?

This is great advice, except that it leaves men hanging on what it is they should be doing.  If their gut is chanting, “fix, fix, fix”, but the latest issue of Redbook is warning, “Don’t you dare…” what is a man to do?

Simply listen.  Right?

Well, kind of.  The catch is that if you just listen then odds are we’ll think you don’t care.  Just listening means that you’re being quiet.  Because if you can’t fix her problems there really isn’t anything to say, right?

Wrong.

So, so wrong.

Listen.  For real.
Communication is a game of ‘Catch’, the act of tossing a ball back and forth between two people.  One person has an idea and  this idea is tossed to the other person.  In a game of catch it’s helpful to know that the ball, or idea, has been caught.  How can you let her know that you’ve heard, or caught, what she was saying?  Hint:  Start the sentence with “I hear you saying…” and then repeat back.  Simple.

Empathize
As she’s talking take some time to try to put yourself in her shoes.  How would you feel if were in her place?  If she comes home upset that her boss chewed her out for being late to a very important meeting, how would you feel?  Embarrassed, angry, worried?  Let her know that you understand her feelings.

Part of the importance of empathizing is that it’s just a good relationship skill to have.  The other part is survival.  Because sometimes what’s making her feel like crap is you.  You’ve hurt her feelings.  Or made her mad.  Or frustrated her.  No matter the feeling, it was your fault.  That much is clear.  The longer that you miss this vital point the more she desires to simply make you feel what she is feeling.  If you’re not “getting” that you checking out the waitress made her feel like a dog, then in her irrational state of mind it makes COMPLETE sense to make you feel as bad as she feels.  If you don’t like this part of a typical argument learn to empathize.  Fast.

Guys, it’s more than just not trying to fix her problem.  It’s making sure you hear her heart.

Research reference regarding “waiting it out” or pushing through the pain is here.

  Assuming you know what your partner is thinking is the first ingredient for relational disaster.

Assuming means you’re crossing a line that you aren’t allowed to cross.  It’s saying that you know what is going on in your partner’s head and heart.  And you don’t.  Unless you ask.

Assuming suggests that you two aren’t communicating so well.  Communication is fundamental for a successful relationship.

9 times out of 10 you’re assuming the worst.  Assuming he’s cheating, instead of assuming he’s telling everyone how amazing you are.  Assuming she only cares about herself, instead of assuming she’d do anything to make you happy if you’d just ask.

If you absolutely HAVE to assume.  Assume the best.  Your partner (probably) deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Being labeled the “bad guy” isn’t good for the relationship.  The “good guy” doesn’t feel motivated to change because it’s not their problem.  And the “bad guy” doesn’t feel motivated to change because it’s always their problem.  Instead of feeling like you’re on the same team with someone you love, you feel like you’re in a face off with someone you hate.

Bad Guy vs. Good Guy

Relationships that feel like face-offs won’t, and can’t, last.  Relationships that feel like teamwork will last.  And you’ll have more fun.

Quit looking for someone to blame.  Instead treat problems like a soccer ball that you kick between the two of you.  It isn’t “his problem” or “her problem”, it’s OUR PROBLEM.  How is storming out of the room hurting both of you?  If one of you cheated, how are both of you responsible for the situation (and, yes, both of you are)?

And if snoring is the problem, well, that is one person’s fault.  Sorry.  Get some nasal strips.  And be thankful that’s your biggest problem!