Personal Accountability in Your Relationships
Here’s a test to help you determine whether you are “marriage material”:
You are on the toilet. You are about to “finish up”. An empty roll of toilet paper is staring back at you. You (choose one):
- Cry. Why is this happening to me? Is there no God?
- Get mad. Why didn’t the last person fix this? When are people going to learn some freakin’ bathroom etiquette?
- Waddle. Waddle to wherever more toilet paper is and get on with life.
Waddlers, congratulations! You’re ready for marriage! One of the most important skills for a successful partnership, like marriage, is being solution-oriented rather than blame-oriented when life happens. You’re first response to conflict is “What can I do to make this situation better?” not “Who can I blame so that I don’t have to be responsible?“. This is awesome and you’re going to be an awesome spouse.
Too many people are in unhappy marriages and relationships and aren’t taking any responsibility for the unhappiness. They’re just sitting there on the proverbial toilet crying, angry and ‘soiled’. When unhappy couples finally come to counseling do you know what their goals are? For the therapist to change their partner. Because they didn’t contribute to any of their problems. Baloney.
Here are some steps you can take today to become personally accountable in your relationship:
- Identify a problem in your relationship.
- Identify how YOU contribute to the problem (other than abusive situations, there is some way that you’re contributing to this problem).
- Do something to correct your portion of the problem.
- Do something regardless of what your spouse is doing/not doing.
- Pick up a copy of John Miller’s QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: Practicing Personal Accountability at Work and in Life
a GREAT book on personal accountability. Read it together.
Start taking responsibility today.
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December 7th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Ah, personal accountability is so important in relationships (marrige or not).
I love what you have written here and the bathroom toilet paper analogy is so true. Accountability can be simple, yet it’s often one of the most complex issues in relationships. So many people claim the ‘victim’ or blame someone else. It takes a person of inner strength and maturity to be accountable for their actions, especially when it relates to their partner.
Great post!
December 7th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Grace, thanks for the comment! And you gave it the perfect name, maturity. Way too many people try to make grown up relationships work without being grown ups themselves.
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:55 am
This is a great analogy, but I wonder how you tell when you’re taking *too* much responsibility because your partner isn’t owning a healthy share of it. For example, let’s say your spouse brings a number of expensive moments to the marriage because he habitually refuses to take care of his car, or even learn what maintenance is required. You can pay for the new engine, but you can’t make him be more responsible about it. At what point do you stop fixing the problem?
May 23rd, 2010 at 11:15 pm
Marriage is one of the most sacred ceremonies that we humans experience. Being married also gives us happines.:;`