Marriage is a deal. Or is it.
Let me map out where my mind has been the last week or so.
I wrote this post about how “Divorce is not in my vocabulary” is a crappy plan for a successful marriage.
If you’re a fan of Nashville Marriage Studio on Facebook (yes, you should go become a fan now) then you may have seen a few people comment on the post there. One of the comments suggested that not only should you consider “Divorce isn’t in my vocabulary” a crappy plan but you should also consider a prenup.
Interesting.
Prenups at face value seem to fly in the face of pretty much everything a marriage stands for. Prenuptial agreements seem to say “I promise to love you forever… but when that doesn’t work out I want $500,000 for every year we were married” (those Kardashian girls are brilliant).
When I asked peeps on Twitter and Facebook about their opinions on prenups I seemed to get a solid, “Hellz no”. No one got prenups and no one thought it was a good idea. You’re signing up to be married FOR LIFE, everyone said, and when you’re married FOR LIFE you do not talk about splitting your crap up (even though half of the weddings you went to this year are going to end in divorce).
I agreed until I started thinking about what marriage really required from us from a contractual standpoint. Everyone talked about marriage as if it was a done deal, a non-negotiable contract between two people to love and protect, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live…
Well, that’s what we say on the wedding day, but there doesn’t seem to be anything that actually binds us to whatever flowery words we chose for our vows. In Tennessee, as in most states, you can get divorced for any or no reason whatsoever. Think about this: it’s probably easier to get out of your marriage than it is to get out of the contract with the gym you never go to.
What I’m trying to say is that we don’t like the idea of prenups because they suggest a lack of faith in the marriage when the marriage contract itself seems to have little to no faith in the marriage either.
Since the marriage contract won’t do much to keep you together, what steps are you taking to protect your bond?
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Category: Relationships 4 comments »
October 30th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I actually think prenups suggest some maturity in communication. If you can communicate well-enough on the what ifs of your relationship, you’re probably in a good place, right? Because those what-ifs will come up – you will wonder and life is anything but predictable. Prenups also have to do with more than infidelity, so it’s easy to start the conversation in another area of the document, and then get down the gritty parts.
Also, I know that for me, it’s quite possible that I will out-earn my spouse over the course of my life, and no matter how much I love them, I want to be protected financially. And even if that’s not the case, your non-financial contributions are worth something too.
I mean, I guess I look at it like this. If you can’t imagine going through the worst with someone in amicable manner, than why are you with them? Too many of us just shut our eyes and hope for the best.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:21 am
Rebecca, you’re so right about the prenups being a sign of being able to consider all the ways your future can pan out in a responsible and mature manner. And shutting our eyes and hoping for the best has been the plan for marriage for far too long.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
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November 12th, 2009 at 8:25 am
I think people who say prenups are showing a lack of faith in marriage quite possibly don’t have a lot of faith in marriage. At least not the realistic and beautiful faith in marriage. The one that says you’ve thought everything through and realize that there will be good days and bad ones, ups and downs and lots of other swings. The one that says this is a huge risk and adventure you are about to take, but you love this person SO MUCH that the potential for falling is worth the leap. The one that says (as Rebecca pointed out) you’ve talked and communicated and made a rational and mature decision about something that in truth has absolutely no place in logic and reason.
Instead there’s the doe-eyed belief that “hopefully” things will work out so why bother planning for the what-if’s? I’m sure close to 50% of people never wanted to end up in divorce precedings, but that is (unfortunately) what happens in reality.
I personally think that this is what is causing the demise of marriage. The irreverence for the union (meaning the fact that people jump into it without taking a second to consider the reailties of their marriage contract) and the commoditization of the act itself (hello drive thru wedding chapel AND divorce courts in Las Vegas?!) Kinda sad really…but great that MASTERS like you are out there trying to help people do the right thing from the beginning!