Nashville Marriage Studio

Watching a celebrity deal with the ramifications of an affair excites pretty much everyone. We want to know when. We want to know with how many. We want to know why. And most of all we want to know how can we make sure something like this never happens to us.

It’s easy to assume that affairs happen because a person is a jerk that disrespects his wife and family. Or that she was lonely and just needed attention. Both can be true, however, Emily Bowen a therapist in Virgina, has specialized in understanding what is at the root of most infidelity. Below I’ve described the 5 different types of affairs. Maybe with a better understanding of what behaviors often lead to affairs we will be better prepared to avoid or recover from them.

Conflict avoidant
This couple is really nice.  So nice that they can’t say anything disagreeable.  Because what if she leaves me if I tell her her cooking stinks?  Will he quit loving me if I admit that I don’t like Star Trek?  All this hiding and lying creates loads of anxiety.  And one of the best ways to diffuse anxiety is to create a triangle, in this case a love triangle.  Hello, New Lover.  Goodbye, Anxiety.

Intimacy Avoidant
This couple fights.  All. the. time.  Partly because of repressed hostility towards their parents, but mostly because they are afraid of intimacy, or being vulnerable with another person.  Thoughts like, “I don’t want to be too close to you.  Closeness hurts.  I don’t want to hurt” happen here.  Having an affair is simply one more barrier to intimacy.

Sex Addiction
Yes, it’s real.  Ever heard that your brain is the greatest pharmacy in the world?  Every drug you could ever want exists in it.  Having sex is an easy way to release those natural feel good chemicals, and for some people a wonderfully secret way to numb the pain.  Because unlike alcohol or drugs, it’s a bit harder to tell when someone is “overdosing”.  Just like alcohol or drugs, you become tolerant to a certain level and require more and more to get a fix.  And sometimes that “fix” is in the form of some action on the side.

Split Self
You’re doing everything “right”.  You’re providing for the family or nurturing the kids.  Whatever your role, you’re getting things done.  In doing so, you’ve sacrificed some of your own needs.  Instead of admitting these needs to your partner and family, you seek to have them met elsewhere.  These affairs are typically very serious, and people in them struggle to give them up. 

Exit
Some people can’t just say what they want, and need justification from an external source.  This is the case with the exit affair.  Saying they just don’t want in anymore would be infinitely healthier, but having an external excuse (i.e. an affair) makes them feel justified.