by Marie McKinney-Oates on January 16, 2012
I remember being a teenager and being obsessed with having Britney Spears’ body. I even went on a diet that I called the BS Diet because, well, the idea of me actually dieting was…BS.
Britney was perfect and her image was everywhere and I was convinced that I needed to look like her. I was unhappy because I didn’t look like her. It never really occurred to me that it was all just a show. Not until she went through the Crazy Britney period, and we all realized that fame, money and perfection had taken its toll.
So let’s talk about the perfect marriages some of us seem to encounter on the daily. Maybe it’s your friend-of-a-friend on Facebook that is always gushing about her perfect husband and how she can’t wait to devour him in bed later that night. Or the couple in your Bible study who says they’ve never fought. Or maybe you come from a family where you are supposed to just grin, bear it and pretend everything is wonderful when really things suck.
I want to give you some perspective and permission:
Your marriage doesn’t have to be perfect for you to enjoy it. You can be annoyed, mad or hurt by your spouse and still have a wonderful and growing marriage. Heck, if you are never annoyed, mad or hurt by your spouse I’d say that your marriage is probably on the wrong side of healthy.
And pretending that everything is cheeky is a surefire way to end up in marital hell. Because pretending things are great doesn’t make them great and everyone has a tipping point. One of you will eventually shave your head and go crazy on a SUV.
So quit trying to keep up the appearance of a happy and fulfilling marriage. And quit worrying about the happy and perfect marriages that you see around you. And just do you, Boo Boo. Just do you.
by Marie McKinney-Oates on January 3, 2012
I read Simplify Your Life by Sam Davidson last year when I finished maternity leave. Going back to work after having a baby gets you asking important questions like, “What is really important to me?” and reading Sam’s book just helped me clarify all of my (at times agonizing) thoughts.
I knew that New Year’s would be a perfect time to suggest it to you guys. I’m a firm believer that marriages in the US suffer because we don’t have a great grasp of our priorities anymore. Most of us lack the ability to listen to ourselves and instead rely on television commercials to tell us what we value (McDonald value meals and Lexuses with big red bows). In trying to get all of this stuff we lose sight of what most people really value and need: loving and intimate relationships.
If you’re looking for a resolution to keep as a couple, Simplify Your Life is a great place to start. Sam asks great questions to help you identify what’s important to you and how you can start cutting things away to make room for what’s important. It would be a great form of non-traditional pre-marital counseling to go through this book with your new or future spouse and figure out where your values meet, where they diverge, and how you guys can build a life that honestly represents your values.
So get the book and start talking about what you need and don’t need in your life.
by Marie McKinney-Oates on January 2, 2012
I love finding the “love lesson” in current news stories. These are the top 10 lessons I found from 2011:
10) Casey Anthony Verdict
Most people were surprised/horrified by the verdict of “Not guilty” in the Casey Anthony trial. Technically, justice prevailed because our system runs on the idea of “innocent until proven guilty” and the prosecutors were unable to prove she was guilty of murder (apparently, if the case was for “worst mom ever” it would be pretty open and shut).
Lots of couples put each other on trial and want nothing more than to see someone convicted of something, anything. If you’re looking at your partner like they’re Casey Anthony and only want to see them punished something is out of whack.
(Note, I personally thought she was guilty.)
9. Kim and Kris Get Married… & Divorced
Really? I don’t think I need to explain this one. However, it might be a nice rule of thumb to say that the number of days you are married should be equal to the number of millions you spent on your wedding. Just a thought.
8. Uprisings
I’m not a news junkie so I’m not completely sure about details about the uprisings in the Middle East and North Africa, but I do know that uprisings are what happen after years (and generations in the case of the countries) of not feeling like you have a voice in a relationship. Make sure everyone’s side is heard before someone starts their own Twitter Revolution.
7. Japan’s Earthquake Recovery
It seems like forever ago, but remember when Japan had that earthquake that pretty much obliterated parts of it? Yeah. Well, interestingly enough their recovery is going pretty well because they are a developed nation, unlike Haiti. No one can really plan for relationship disasters, but if you are conscious about building a strong foundation then you will be much more likely to survive and rebuild.
6. Occupy Wall Street
OWS is about the 99% being upset at the 1%. Politics on this one are neither here nor there. There are probably areas in your relationship that are out of balance. One of you is doing more housework, one of you is responsible for all of the Christmas shopping, one of you spends too much time at work, etc. Whatever is out of whack, now is always a good time to make sure percentages are where you guys want them.
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