by Marie McKinney-Oates on April 29, 2009
I think everyone realizes how important marriage is and is clamoring for a formula on how to make it work. During graduate school we even received a list of all the variables that make you more likely to get divorced. Here is a sampling from that list:
- If your parents are divorced.
- If you’ve ever been divorced.
- If you got married too young.
- If you got married too old.
- If you did not complete high school.
- If you have children prior to marriage.
- If you live together prior to marriage.
- If you come from different socioeconomic backgrounds.
The list goes on forever. It goes on forever because we all want to believe that there is some way, some magic formula, that will guide us towards “Happily Ever After”.
I hate to break it to you, but there is no formula. And the checklist above boils down to the idea that eHarmony is built on: The more similar a couple is the better their chances of making their relationship work. And the only reason that is even a little bit true is because a couple that is similar has fewer opportunities to engage in conflict. Less conflict is less wear and tear on a relationship. But that’s about it.
Instead of trying to reduce the risk it takes to get married or commit to someone why not work on handling conflict better. Or develop a better understanding of your partner’s love language. Listen better. Give your love the benefit of the doubt. Kiss her forehead. Stroke his ego.
Quit trying to make love safe. It isn’t going to happen.
by Marie McKinney-Oates on April 25, 2009
[vimeo 4325522]
The first time that you begin to feel like you’ve come to a “rough patch” in the whole marriage/serious relationship thing ask yourself, “Is this standstill traffic and I need to find a new route, or is this just a congested stop sign that you guys need to simply ride out?”
by Marie McKinney-Oates on April 23, 2009
I was driving home tonight and heard a sound coming from my engine that kinda sorta sounded like metal grinding on metal. But only kinda like that. And it only lasted for a split second.
My knowledge of cars is limited. Very limited. Like, the only thing I really know is how to pump gas. That and when something goes wrong check your dashboard to see what light has come on.
So I checked the dashboard where the “Check Engine” icon shined brightly. No duh, Dashboard.
The car was clearly broken, and do you know what I did? I decided that whatever was wrong wasn’t bad enough to make the car stop moving, so I should be fine.
And I strategically positioned my hands on the steering wheel so that my arm blocked my vision from the “Check Engine” light. Out of sight, out of mind. Problem fixed. Right?
Signs of a failing relationship are hard to miss. Constant arguing. Not as much sex. Working late because going home sucks. Talking to your friends about how miserable your marriage is.
We see the signs, know things are broken, yet we keep on going pretending nothing is wrong.
How’s your relationship doing? What signs are you seeing? What signs are you avoiding?
