by Marie McKinney-Oates on May 25, 2009
Lots of us talk about coming from “dysfunctional families”. Sometimes this means that we were raised by divorced parents. Or that you saw abuse as a child. Or you were abused as a child. Or you had a mom that always forgot to pick you up from school. No matter what family you come from you probably think that your family is dysfunctional.
Thinking we come from dysfunction scares us. We start to believe that we are damaged goods. Then we tell someone we want to spend the rest of our lives together, and we pause. Will our baggage stop us from having the marriage we want? Will we make the same mistakes our parents made?
The thing is, none of us come from perfect families. We’re all messed up. That’s just the way it is.
More importantly, you survived that “dysfunctional family”. You made it out. Don’t ever underestimate the strength and courage this requires.
And now that you’ve survived your family you can make that marriage of your dreams a reality. Recognize your family’s shortcomings, where things weren’t healthy. Now make a decision. Decide that this won’t happen in your new family. Get help from a pastor or counselor if you need it, and decide that the dysfunction ends here. You survived, now decide.
Marriage requires survivors.
by Marie McKinney-Oates on May 24, 2009
My husband and I fight about tons of stuff. This is normal. And expected. However, one thing I never thought we’d fight about was politics. We dated for nearly 3 years and never once talked about politics. He didn’t even like to watch the news, much less care about who the next Supreme Court Justice would be. The worst part was we assumed we knew what the other’s political beliefs were. He assumed that since I was a Christian I was also a Republican. And I assumed that since he was more liberal in his religious views that he was a Democrat.
Boy were we wrong.
We probably could have gone the rest of our lives without this difference becoming an issue. After all, we went 3 years without thinking about it. The problem, however, was that we were married in 2008. The year of one of the most important presidential elections in history.
Before we knew it we were arguing nearly every night about immigration laws, gun control, and economic stimulus packages. In some ways I think we both looked at each other and wondered, “Who is this person?”
They tell you to talk about everything in premarital counseling. They insist that these topics that don’t feel like an issue today will more than likely be an issue tomorrow. But you’re not going to believe them. Just like my husband and I didn’t believe politics would be such a huge issue in our relationship.
There are so many variables in life that you cannot control. Presidential elections that put a spotlight on your political beliefs happen. Having children and having to decide what church to attend happens. Relocating to follow one spouse’s career happens.
Things change. How are you going to adjust?
by Marie McKinney-Oates on May 21, 2009
I am currently in the middle of a hardcore marathon of Grey’s Anatomy. Besides ruining my anniversary, I’m finding that Grey’s is a wonderful source of inspiration for relationship topics.
I’m in the middle of Season 2 and Addison and McDreamy are trying to work through her infidelity. She argues that it was simply a ploy for attention. They are both high profile surgeons trying to balance life and work, and the affair was simply a sign of an imbalance.
It got me thinking. How do we manage our time between our careers and our personal life, especially when we’re married?
When you’re dating the lines seem to be a little clearer. There are designated date nights and goodbye kisses on the porch. What about after tying the knot? Or even just moving in together. And this other person is there all. the. time.
This other person’s constant presence, seeing them in the morning, eating dinner with them, and the check-in phone calls all create this illusion that you’re spending time together. There is a difference between spending time around your spouse and spending time with your spouse.
Balancing work and life is hard for everyone. And it’s especially hard for married couples. And it’s even harder for married Millenials. Because Millenials a) think they can do everything and b) love to stay busy.
Here’s a nice guide to making time for your spouse:
Spend at least 15 minutes a day talking.
Spend one evening a week together, also known as the “date night”.
Spend one weekend a month with each other.
Spend one week a year on a vacation. Just the two of you.
Make time.
