Date Nights are so 2011

by Marie McKinney-Oates on January 23, 2012

In an attempt to get a bit more personal/educational/we-actually-practice-what-we-preach, I thought I’d share a relationship insight that my husband and I recently stumbled across.

Now that we have a baby we are much more aware of the time we spend, or rather don’t spend, with each other. Babies are tiring. And when you’re done taking care of baby you really don’t feel like taking care of your marriage, or what it really feels like, your husband.

Because let’s be honest, the marriage ball is almost always dropped by the woman when a baby enters the picture. Husbands still love date night and spending alone time with their wife and getting, well, any attention at all. I know that my husband loves our son with a fierceness, but he’s admitted that he gets jealous of all the attention I give to the baby.

And on the wife’s side the ball is dropped because we’re really just one person with limited resources. We only have so much time and energy to give and we almost always choose to give it to the baby. You know, since he’s kind of dependent on us because he can’t walk and talk and stuff. So when the husband looks at us and asks, “What about me?” you kind of want to tear someone’s head off.

Which is where date nights come in for us. We were not good at date nights while we were childless. We’re both homebodies and preferred Chinese take out to getting gussied up for a night on the town.  We had more than enough time to connect when it had been too long. But now that we are parents time is a scarce resource so we started carving out nuggets of time during the week (or months if the schedules got too crazy) to try and have husband and wife time.

It started off as Friday nights dropping the baby off with grandparents (if you don’t have grandparents around go find some friendly senior citizens and adopt some, they’re amazing) and having dinner. The problem was that Friday was a day that I worked and would have not seen the baby most of the day and I hated not spending time with him in the evening. Also, I had worked and was tired from it. This led to date nights filled with questions like, “Are we done yet?” or “Can we go pick the baby up now?”. Needless to say it wasn’t exactly what the hubs wanted to hear during Us Time.

We went a few months like this. Me eating dinner as fast as I could so that we could pick up baby, him getting pretty annoyed that I was so uninterested in reconnecting. The tension was growing for sure.

And then all of a sudden I had an epiphany!

Why was it always date night? What about date mornings?

I was way more refreshed in the morning, I wouldn’t feel so rushed to get back to little man and just to be real knowing what time of day you’re most likely to be “in the mood” is an important piece of info when it comes to planning time together. My husband didn’t think it would change anything. He was sure I’d still be in a rush to get home and guess what?

HE WAS WRONG! (Not going to lie, that might be my favorite marriage phrase ever… just kidding!)

We had our first date morning this past Saturday and IT WAS FABULOUS. Sure we had to wake up early on a Saturday to get little man to the grandparents but it was wonderful spending the morning and afternoon relaxed and present with the hubster. And he loved that he finally got more attention than normal.

Takeaways:
1. Your wife loves you, she’s just tired.
2. Your husband isn’t trying to be annoying, he just misses you.
3. Think about 3 times during your week when you are most refreshed. Give one of those times to your spouse.

 

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Couple Spot Light: High School Sweethearts to Newlyweds

by Marie McKinney-Oates on January 20, 2012

I think hearing about real marriages from real couples who have dealt with real issues is a great way to sort through your own issues and find answers that can help you.The first couple in the spotlight are Amanda and Ben Butterworth. They are are 27 and 29, respectively, and have been together for nearly 13 years and married for 1.5 years. Thirteen. THIRTEEN. More than half of Amanda’s life! Insanity.

They were gracious enough to answer some of my questions and I loved their answers. I hope this isn’t offensive, but their advice sounds like it’s coming from a much older couple. They seem very mature and I’m sure that is why they have been able to stay together for THIRTEEN YEARS. Seriously…amazing.

Ok, on with the Couple Spot Light of Amanda and Ben…

Amanda and Ben

How long have you been together?
Together for 13 years in March, and married for 1.5 years.When did you know this person was The One?
We cant really pinpoint an exact moment when we knew- we just knew we didnt want to be apart! And as teenagers not wanting to break up and date other people says a lot for a couple and their desire to be together long term

What is the most brag-worthy quality in your spouse?
Ben: His commitment,devotion and dedication to everything he does and everyone in his life

Mandy: She gives me my independence, allows me to pursue my hobbies without complaining; she gives me space to be me when I need it.

 What is your proudest accomplishment as a team?
Our home and the life we’ve started together-the fact that we succeeded at following through with a plan we had set forth as teenagers to finish college, allow our savings to grow and become stable before starting our life together (and its paid off!)

What is the biggest hurdle you’ve overcome as a team?

When Ben graduated high school and went on to college, making it the first time we were doing separate things and the unknown that lie ahead of us and our relationship.


What was the best year of your marriage? Why?
(answered this one and the next one in terms of our relationship instead of marriage due to the lack of years married haha)

The first year we were married was our best year because it felt like a time when we both grew so close, we fought less than we ever had, it seemed as if since we were married, that we knew we had to grow and learn more about each other and work on the little things that annoyed the other person!

What was the hardest year of your marriage? Why?
The hardest time in our relationship was learning to be independent when we were both in college at the same time but in two different cities about 2 hours apart.This taught us patience and proved that absence does make the heart grow fonder! It was beneficial though in hindsight because we were able to grow as individuals and spend time on ourselves while still being in a committed relationship.What’s one thing a couple can start doing today to change their marriage?
Pay attention to each other, talk often, have separate time apart for your own personal fun, breath and think before saying something that could scar that person forever.

What tips/advice do you have for couples going through a hard time (either with each other or just life in general)?
We would say to be honest and open, dont be afraid to tell each other how you feel even if its not what they want to hear. you must be equals no matter what. Always be on the same team and loyal, putting your spouse first.

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2011: The year marriages sucked

by Marie McKinney-Oates on January 18, 2012

Dooce, the most popular mommy blogger on the planet, is separating from her husband. They announced it on their (his and hers) blogs today.

That led me to finding out that the second most popular mommy blogger on the planet, Maggie from Mighty Girl, is also getting divorced. I won’t lie. I just Googled to find out if Pioneer Woman’s marriage is ok. So far, I think they’re good. Which is a good thing because I’m not sure I could handle it if it weren’t…

Those are just the “public” divorces. I have so many friends struggling through hard times in their marriages. And don’t get me started on Kim Kardashian…

All around 2011 seemed to be a year that sucked for marriages, public and private. Even for me personally, having our first kid has not been a walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination. It’s definitely been a challenging year in the marriage department.

In a way, I think the news was a kind of kick in the pants for me as far as what I’m doing here with Nashville Marriage Studio. I decided to quit seeing couples one-on-one and I’m now bringing marriage education to The Internet. I want as many people as possible to have access to quality marriage preparation as possible.

Happily Ever After: The Plan

I have set up a premarital education course, Happily Ever After: The plan. It’s designed to take couples through everything I do in premarital. Except it’s online and from the comfort of your own home. It’s way cheaper. And now you don’t have to be in Nashville to get what I teach couples!

It’s in the pilot phase right now and won’t officially start until February. But if you sign up now you’ll get the first part of the course immediately. Since it is in the guinea pig stage it’s only $99 (seriously, this is a minimum of $400 for everything you’re getting… it’s a deal, trust). The price will be going up, so if this is something you’re interested in jump!

With the Happily Ever After Plan I’ve created an actual marriage planner filled with everything you need to think about before the big day. You can get and fill out your copy here for free.  Feel free to go through it with your fiancee. The course will take you through it as well, explaining why your answers matter and how it will help you when you feel like giving up.

Your marriage deserves an investment

The Dooce news made me move because I think there are so many great couples that lose their way, and if they had the ability to talk to one another in an honest way they could avoid divorce (note, . Also, I’m doing it for the kids. If you’re anything like me when you were a kid the idea of your parents splitting up was terrifying, and now that I have my own kid I want to do everything to avoid having that conversation for his sake and ours.

So invest in your marriage today.

Learn more here and register here and email me (marie.mckinney@gmail.com) if you have ANY questions at all.

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