Breaking News: Your spouse might have a different opinion

by Marie McKinney-Oates on February 13, 2012

scout my pal

This is Scout. He’s my son’s pal. And he’s wonderful. Otis loves the songs Scout sings and that his collar lights up as he speaks.  It’s a great toy.

When you get Scout you get to put information about your baby in so that it personalizes the baby’s experience. I guess…

Scout can say your baby’s name (unless it’s Otis. He doesn’t know Otis so he calls our baby “Little Bear”) and will talk about your baby’s favorite animal (hippopotamus), color (orange),and food (milk).

Here’s the thing. When Scout talks about these things he kinda starts to sound like a desperate girl on a first date:

“I LOVE hippopotamuses! What about you, Little Bear? What’s your favorite animal?”

“My favorite color is orange! Don’t you love orange, Little Bear?”

And so on, and so on.

I’m not going to lie. I’m worried that we’re teaching Otis he has to like the same things as his friends. That having a different opinion might cause problems or unwanted conflict.

I think it’d be fun if Scout said something like this:

“Your mom told me that your favorite food is milk. Personally, I love a great ribeye. Isn’t variety neat?”

” So your favorite color is orange? I’m green, but I’m pretty sure we can still be friends. Woof, woof!”

My point is (yeah, I think there’s a point to all of this…) sometimes we’re trained through various ways (stuffed Leapfrog toys, parents, society) that being agreeable and liking what everyone else likes is the key to friendship. And since friendship is the heart of marriage we should like everything our spouse likes. And I’d like to use this blog post to say bs.

That’s all!

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Is Your Wife a Mean Girl?

by Marie McKinney-Oates on February 6, 2012

mean girls I know I’ve been guilty a time or two.

First, let me enlighten the guys on what a Mean Girl actually is. It’s not just about being pretty, popular, and wearing pink on Wednesdays. It’s about using your relationship to bully someone else.

Wikipedia describes the three main forms of relational aggression as:

- excluding others from social activities,
- damaging reputations by spreading gossip or humiliating someone in front of others,
- withdrawing attention or friendship.

There are numerous reasons that girls choose to use relational aggression rather than being directly aggressive. We are told being “nice” is more important than anything else in the entire world (at least in front of other people, that is). Evolution-wise,  if we were directly aggressive we’d be more likely to get in physical fights which puts us at risk of being physically hurt and unable to care for offspring. And, dangit, girls are just really, really good at it, so why not?

Honestly, guys, this Mean Girl thing is the heart of the joke that when a woman says she’s fine you should probably take cover. Or just do the dishes.

See, we can’t say, “I am tired of cleaning up after you! Grow up!” because that would be… mean. And we can’t just punch you because that would be domestic violence. All of this is no good.

So we say “Fine” while at the same time withdrawing our friendship in the form of making the emotional temperature of the room about the same as an igloo. In other words, we make your world cold. Very, very cold.

Other ways that your wife could be Mean Girl-ing you is by making fun of you in front of your friends. Or  saying that one thing that she knows hurts you more than anything “as a joke”. Ignoring you or acting like she doesn’t care.

She needs your help
It’s childish. We know. And we need to be called out on it each and every time it happens. But sometimes? We need you to see it as our cry for help and step up to get us to grow up.

Ask your Mean Girl what you did and how it made her feel. I know, I know. It sounds like the dumbest thing ever to ask a pissed off lady. I get it. But it might help. And here’s why:

She is mad. You both know that. But something is telling her that she can’t (or shouldn’t have to) tell you why. Maybe she’s conforming to the idea that women don’t get angry and she should just sweep this under the rug even though there is no more room under this rug. Or she doesn’t trust that you’ll care or that anything will change even if she does tell you.  Or maybe you’re just married to a brat. If that’s the case, sucks to be you.

So she’s mad and doesn’t know what to do with or how to communicate those feelings. You know how crappy you feel when she says “that thing” or starts ignoring you or stomps silently around in the kitchen? She’s feeling ten times crappier and she is actually just trying to communicate her hurt by making you hurt.

She needs your help.

Ask her what happened and how she feels because of it. Unless she is too angry to talk (do you have your anger plan in place?), this will at least start you guys on a conversation that will put some of the pieces on the table for you guys to actually deal with. Directly instead of covertly.

Just remember: Hurt people hurt people.

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Couple Spotlight: It was fate

by Marie McKinney-Oates on February 3, 2012

I met Wil and Mackenzie at one of my workshops last year and they are such a sweet couple. She recently sent me a blog link that featured their wedding and I begged them to be in the spotlight and they agreed. After reading their answers I couldn’t be more glad that they did.

Wil and Mackenzie have been together for 3 years and they have quite an interesting back story that I’m going to have Mackenzie share. It’s kinda trippy honestly. And by trippy I mean they were clearly meant to be!

A mutual friend introduced us in 2009. She and Wil were coworkers at a local restaurant.  Wil had just moved to Nashville to be closer to his dad and sisters.  My parents had lived in the same house for 33 years. After a couple weeks of dating as we drove to his own apartment, I pointed in the general direction of my childhood home, “My parents live up that way on Fate Street.” His response was “Really, that’s weird. My family lives over on Fate Street.”

Color us both SHOCKED.

As it turns out, they live DIRECTLY across the street from my parents and have for several years. I didn’t know them then – but now that Fate has accomplished its goal of bringing us together, let me just tell you that we do not have the ‘which family for the holidays’ argument a lot of couples have since they are just across the street from each other.   I think FATE made things pretty clear! 

wil and mackenzie

When did you know this person was The One?
Wil:
 The night we met the world stopped and I saw our future together. It sounds cliché and super cheesy, but I really knew she was the one for me right away. She took a little bit more convincing :)
Mackenzie: When I realized that at the end of the day, good or bad, he was who I wanted to tell about it. And when I realized that he wasn’t going away :)


What is the most brag-worthy quality in your spouse?
Wil: 
So far she’s managed to keep me from setting myself on fire. Many have tried and failed. I joke, because I don’t know where to begin; honestly she’s the most genuinely good-hearted person I’ve ever known.  she’s such a good person that she’s always looking for ways to be even better, and I love that about her.
Mackenzie: He is very much my hero. I admire how when he really sets his mind to something, he can accomplish anything. And everything he does is done with compassion for others. I know I can count on him no matter what.


What is your proudest accomplishment as a team?
Wil: 
Probably getting out of debt. All the debt was mine but it was something that we knew we wanted taken care of by the time we were married, so we put our heads together, set a goal, and made it happen.
Marie’s Note: Debt isn’t good, obvs, but I love hearing couples that focus on it as A TEAM and how they’re stronger for it. 


What is the biggest hurdle you’ve overcome as a team?
Trusting each other, having faith in the strength of our love, and just growing up in general. Both of us have had bad experiences in previous relationships so our expectations had to change for us to continue growing together. Being in a good position to start a family has always been really important to us and having each other to lean on has really given us a leg up on making positive life changes on an individual basis as well.


What was the best year of your relationship? Why?
This year! It gets even better every day!


What was the hardest year of your relationship? Why?
Wil: 
Probably our first year together. A lot of crazy stuff happened that year in both of our personal lives. Mackenzie lost her grandfather, who was an amazing and much loved man in her life, and while that was really difficult, it brought us together in a lot of ways. And I had a lot of growing up to do. There were hurdles between us and a stable life together. But it proved to be sort of a refining fire for our relationship and I think were a lot stronger as a couple because of it.
Mackenzie: Any obstacle we had only brought us closer. I wanted stability and someone who made me laugh. He gave me laughter and someone I knew I could count on outside of my parents. And I like to think I helped him grow up a little – but I wouldn’t dare want him to lose that childish enthusiasm that made me fall in love with him.
Marie’s Note: So many couples run away from “refining fires” and I think that’s sad. Wil and Mackenzie are a great example of what can be born if you tough it out.


What is one thing a couple can start doing today to change their relationship?
Practicing good communication – it is really the most important thing in any relationship. Talk to each other about any feeling, good or bad, and be understanding. It’s important to keep things in perspective. Marie’s pre-marital counseling class teaches appropriate ways to fight and keep things in check.  And don’t forget to laugh – sometimes things get too serious and it changes the entire mood of a moment if you laugh.
Marie’s Note: Aw, so happy to get a shout out :) If you’re interested, check out future workshops here!


What tips/advice do you have for couples going through a hard time (either with each other or just life in general)?

There is no shame in seeking help – whether it’s from a friend, lover or professional. Sometimes we get thoughts in our heads that take on lives of their own and another person can offer a more objective view. Talking about things and keeping them in perspective can really help you work through obstacles.

Thank you guys so much for playing along and your great answers!

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