Nashville Marriage Studio

What shape is this?

Many of us would say ‘rectangle’ because, well, it’s close enough.  And our brains don’t do well with the ambiguous so we force things into ideas, images, and situations that we’re familiar with, whether they match or not.  So when you look at this collection of random lines, because that’s all it really is, you fill in the blanks until you can see the rectangle, a shape you recognize.

It’s our brain’s desire to “fill in the blanks” that can lead to some of the biggest problems in a relationship.  We get clues from our partner: a frown, a short answer, a quiet demeanor.  We take these clues and try to arrange them in a way that makes more sense. 

That frown obviously means her feelings have been hurt.

The quiet demeanor means that he’s ok with going to my parents’ house for dinner.  He’d say something if he wasn’t happy, right?

The problem with relying on clues to understand our partner is that sometimes we’re wrong.  Shocking.  I know.

That frown could be what she looks like when she’s thinking.  The short answer could be that he was distracted.  And that quiet demeanor could be that he’s thinking of the right way to say, “Eating at your parents’ house makes me want to die”.

This problem becomes even worse when we begin to operate as if we’re correct, without finding out for sure.  When we react to others as if we “know” what they’re thinking we are essentially trespassing into our Significant Others’ mind, and that’s not fair.  This trespassing, regardless of whether there is any intended malice, almost always triggers defensiveness and hostility. 

A simple way to stop yourself from filling in the blanks incorrectly is to ask questions.  Lots and lots of questions.