Chris Johnson of the Tennessee Titans had an epic year. In 2009 he became one of 6 running backs in NFL history to reach the 2,000 yard mark. Pretty impressive.
What struck me, however, was how much Chris Johnson depended on and respected his offensive line. The offensive line protected Chris Johnson and made it possible for him to run those 2,006 yards. “The Wind Beneath My Wings”, indeed.
Chris Johnson knows that his offensive line doesn’t get the proper recognition and he does what he can to make sure they know they are valued. Rolex watches, all-expense paid vacations and flat screen tv’s have all been gifts from Johnson to the guys that make up his O-line. Not only that, he uses his platform as a star to cry foul when he’s the only Titan to get an invite to the Pro Bowl saying, “It’s just crazy. It doesn’t seem possible. They know they got robbed. I’ve got the best offensive line in the NFL.”
I’ve got the best offensive line in the NFL. – Chris Johnson
Now let me tell you why Chris Johnson and his offensive line matter to your marriage…
One of you might be the “superstar” in the relationship. That’s great. Don’t forget you are a team. Seek out the ways that you can’t be you without the help of your spouse.
Express your gratitude. Chris Johnson could be like every other NFL superstar and make it seem like he does everything, but he doesn’t. Instead, he makes a point to say thank you over and over and over again.
Don’t let anyone disrespect your spouse. Chris Johnson didn’t appreciate his entire offensive line getting ignored by the Pro Bowl and you should have the same sense of loyalty for your spouse.
Be appreciative and loving even during the hardest of seasons. Chris Johnson and his line achieved 2,006 yards in a season that started off 0-6. They lost six games straight, people! They would have had every reason to give up on their goal and each other. They could have spent the rest of the season blaming and being negative. But they didn’t. They stepped up and supported each other and beat the odds.
So, go be like Chris. Just don’t try to pull of that hair…
Reason No. 3 – You’ll define success. This is your relationship. You get to define what it means to succeed and what it means to fail. At the Bound Together workshop we’ll talk about what success is for YOUR relationship. How are you guys going to know that things are going well? That you’re succeeding. What are you deciding will be signs that you’re going through a rough patch? What is your plan to succeed? More importantly, what is your plan for when you’re failing?
Reason No. 6 – You’ll be a better dad. Today is Father’s Day, and most of us are telling our dad’s how much they mean to us and how thankful we are that they donated sperm. It’s a truly special day. At Bound Together you’re going to learn skills that will make you a better dad. First, you’re 30% more likely to be around. Second, you’re going to love their mother in an amazing way. And third, you’re going to have a better sex life become of that amazing love. And sex, my friends, makes babies and babies make you parents.
Single people are in Stage 1. This is where you are figuring out who you are and what you’re “about”. One of the best things you can do for your marriage is bring a clear understanding of who you are to the table.
Preferably, figuring out who you are happens before you say “I do”. But it’s never to late to start doing things “the right way”, is it?
Go on a date with yourself to one of those bookstores with a wall full of magazines. What topics are you drawn to? What ideas and headlines get you excited? Are the topics you’re interested in a part of your daily life? Why not?
If a football player walked on to the field without a helmet most would think he was forgetful. If he said he wasn’t wearing one because he didn’t think he needed one most would think he was an idiot.
This kid’s expectations about football are obviously out of whack. The question isn’t “Will I get knocked down and beat up?” it’s “How hard will I get knocked down and beat up?” He expects to play a sport that doesn’t require a helmet. And if he doesn’t change his expectations quick, he is going to end up on the ground with a concussion.
The same thing can happen for newlywed couples. They expect for it to be easy to talk about how to spend money. They expect to have the same sexual needs. At the same time. They expect to always feel loving and mushy and committed to their spouse.
Many newlyweds end up like the kid playing football without a helmet. Caught off guard when that lineman comes barreling at him. Except for a newlywed, that lineman comes in the form of the first fight that leaves them believing that marriage is NOT turning out to be what they expected.
Marriage is dirty. And hard. Feelings are going to get hurt. People are going to disagree. Sometimes you aren’t going to be happy. All of this comes with marital turf.
Many times relationship gurus advise men to “quit trying to fix her problems”! Women are emotional and need to be listened to, not fixed. So quit treating them like a car engine!
This is great advice, except that it leaves men hanging on what it is they should be doing. If their gut is chanting, “fix, fix, fix”, but the latest issue of Redbook is warning, “Don’t you dare…” what is a man to do?
Simply listen. Right?
Well, kind of. The catch is that if you just listen then odds are we’ll think you don’t care. Just listening means that you’re being quiet. Because if you can’t fix her problems there really isn’t anything to say, right?
Wrong.
So, so wrong.
Listen. For real.
Communication is a game of ‘Catch’, the act of tossing a ball back and forth between two people. One person has an idea and this idea is tossed to the other person. In a game of catch it’s helpful to know that the ball, or idea, has been caught. How can you let her know that you’ve heard, or caught, what she was saying? Hint: Start the sentence with “I hear you saying…” and then repeat back. Simple.
Empathize
As she’s talking take some time to try to put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if were in her place? If she comes home upset that her boss chewed her out for being late to a very important meeting, how would you feel? Embarrassed, angry, worried? Let her know that you understand her feelings.
Part of the importance of empathizing is that it’s just a good relationship skill to have. The other part is survival. Because sometimes what’s making her feel like crap is you. You’ve hurt her feelings. Or made her mad. Or frustrated her. No matter the feeling, it was your fault. That much is clear. The longer that you miss this vital point the more she desires to simply make you feel what she is feeling. If you’re not “getting” that you checking out the waitress made her feel like a dog, then in her irrational state of mind it makes COMPLETE sense to make you feel as bad as she feels. If you don’t like this part of a typical argument learn to empathize. Fast.
Guys, it’s more than just not trying to fix her problem. It’s making sure you hear her heart.
Seth Godin’s book “The Dip” talks about the importance of defining the terms of quitting before you begin. If you don’t you’ll be the runner who gives up on the marathon because her legs are starting to get tired. If you don’t you’ll be the inventor who gives up because 5 attempts at the remote control doggie door fail.
Define the dip for your marriage before it even starts. Define what “enough” is so that you’ll know it when you see it. Define the dip so that you won’t be discouraged by the inevitable fatigue and failure that comes with the marital territory. Define the dip so that you won’t be tricked into quitting before you really want to.
There are times when a couple needs to quit the marriage. A point where it isn’t worth trying anymore. Define those times before you start.
The first time that you begin to feel like you’ve come to a “rough patch” in the whole marriage/serious relationship thing ask yourself, “Is this standstill traffic and I need to find a new route, or is this just a congested stop sign that you guys need to simply ride out?”
I’m part of Generation Y. We’re a plucky group that has recently come of “marrying age” in a time when marriage may not be that desirable. Sure, marriage might mean we become better bloggers, but is it worth it? Between a horrible economy and a general trend towards doing “grown up” things, like marriage, later in life… is Gen Y really up for the marital challenge? I would say yes… and no.
Optimism
No one can rain on Gen Y’s parade. We truly believe that we can do anything. And for us, “anything” includes having a great marriage. Gen Y believes this despite observing our parents’ mediocre relationships or constantly hearing that dreadful “50% of marriages end in divorce” statistic. Rocking at marriage requires optimism, even if it is a tad delusional.
Developed a Personal Brand
The best marriages are between two people who have a solid understanding of who they are as individuals. Two healthy wholes make a great marriage. Gen Y-ers have this understanding because we are kind of obsessed with our personal brands. We are obsessed because, well, we have to be. Everyone Googles each other, and we need to control what is being seen by the masses. More than that, we want careers that line up with our passions. We can’t have those careers if we don’t know what we’re passionate about, if we don’t know who we are. Our marriages will rock because we spent our singlehood really figuring out who we are.
Team-Oriented
Everyone who talks about Gen Y talks about how “team oriented” we are because we grew up playing soccer. Penelope Trunk even points out that we go to prom in groups. We get teamwork. We’ve been doing the “I’m not the center of the universe” dance for a while, and it’s this perspective that is going to allow us to rock marriage.
There are plenty of reasons Gen Y is set up to succeed, yet there is one particularly big reason we might suck…
Reality is Depressing The first time we saw Laguna Beach we asked, “Is this real?” We couldn’t tell. We couldn’t tell because we’ve been on a steady diet of fake for years. We’ve grown up thinking women should look like Victoria’s Secret Angels and our houses should be as cool as the ones on Cribs. When our lives don’t turn out as cool or as exciting as L.C.’s we become depressed and think, “But this isn’t what I was expecting!” The same can happen with marriage. When our marriages aren’t as passionate as the couple from “The Notebook”, are we going to become let down and bail?
Of course, all of this is assuming we still subscribe to the outdated institution of marriage…
Seth Godin is awesome. At marketing. And starting businesses. And writing books. And I’m sure many other things.
After I read his book The Dip: A little book that teaches you when to quit (and when to stick)I decided that he is also awesome at love relationships. And doesn’t even know it.
Do you know how good it feels to know something Seth doesn’t? Amazing.
The Dip is the best book of inadvertent relationship advice that I’ve ever read. In my entire life. It’s great. Because every relationship, EVERY RELATIONSHIP, is going to go through The Dip.
Research says that marriages are most likely to end within the first 3 years. The Dip comes for every relationship and some trudge through, and some don’t. I’m not going to make a judgment on whether to quit or stick, but knowing that the Dip is the necessary payment for an awesome marriage in the future makes it a little easier to accept.
