Nashville Marriage Studio

It all started with a tweet. A tweet from Joy Wilson about boudoir photography.

I became intrigued. I am a huge advocate of boudoir photography for ladies in committed and loving relationships with men that have earned the right to see your, um, goodies. There are so many ways boudoir photography can enrich your relationship, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

First, back to tweets and Joy. Our Twitter conversation led to email which led to a lunch date to talk about all things love, relationships and boudoir. Joy was an absolute delight. An ABSOLUTE delight. I immediately felt like we were old friends and it wasn’t long before we were planning a full-fledged Boudoir as Marriage Enrichment event.

We are now teaming up to present Beloved Boudoir Photography…

As you can see, Joy Wilson is a wonderful photographer whose gift is not simply her ability to capture beautiful photos that will allow you and your man to enjoy your unique sexiness. No, she also has the gift of a personality that allows you to feel comfortable and beautiful enough to truly enjoy something that many of us think we’d never have the guts to do. That, my friends, is talent.

Like I said earlier, I believe that boudoir photography can enrich your relationship in so many ways. Let me explain:

• Men experience sexuality through what they can see. Porn is not a billion-dollar industry for nothing, people. There is so much lost for a man’s sexual experience when we rush to cover our bodies or insist that the lights be turned off. Boudoir photography is a wonderfully creative way to let him see you in all your crazy sexy glory.
• This allows you to see yourself as a sexual being. Too often us women limit our definition of sexual attractiveness to Giselle Bundchen. It’s difficult to believe that our men enjoy the sight of our bodies because we’re so hung up on a roll here or some cellulite there. Boudoir is a wonderful way to fall in love with your body and see yourself in a whole new light.
• Vulnerability is what seals the bond between a couple. We can’t truly understand intimacy until we’ve taken a risk to share a part of ourselves that is typically hidden from others. This type of gift can be a wonderful way to symbolize the trust you have in your man, trusting that he will treasure and love, not only these photos, but you.
• I’m offering a discount on premarital counseling or education for anyone who partakes in this event. You can get $25 off of the Bound Together Workshop or 10% off of premarital counseling.

If you would like more details about Beloved Boudoir Portraits email Joy at joy@joywilsonphotography.com and be sure to check out all of her amazing work at Joy Wilson Photography.

The next time you’re getting intimate with your woman remember these two words:

Slow cooker.

First, this is important because thinking about random things, like kitchen appliances, will help you… last longer. And that’s never a bad thing.

Second, it’s important because that’s what a woman in bed is. A slow cooker.

Day Long Process
The beauty of a slow cooker is that it cooks all day long while you do other things, like go to work or school. You throw some meat and vegetables into the slow cooker and after 8 hours you have a delicious ready-to-eat meal.

Your woman needs the same thing when it comes to her sex life. Foreplay for a woman is not the 15 seconds you spend appreciating her upper-half. No, no, no. The foreplay a woman remembers started the minute she woke up and consists of more than overtly sexual advances. We want to be warmed up slowly and over a long period of time. So make her a cup of coffee as she bolts out the door. Text her randomly throughout the day letting her know how much you miss her. Check the kids’ homework without her asking. After you’ve spent the entire day wooing her in all these small, “insignificant” ways then (and only then) can you make your move.

Continuity is Key
Slow cooking is a long and gradual process. Once you turn the slow cooker on you better keep it on. And if it turns off you might as well just start over.

One of the biggest mistakes men make in the bedroom is with the assumption that women are able to stop and go just like them. Guys can be in the middle of The Deed, interrupt The Deed to answer an important phone call from work, and turn right around ready to get back to The Deed like nothing happened.

WOMEN CAN’T DO THAT.

I’m not saying that our sex drive is less intense or that we don’t want it as badly as men do. I’m simply saying that our biology requires build-up and interrupting our build-up to find a condom* or change the music or check your Blackberry is not the way to make us happy. We don’t like interruptions because it isn’t always so easy for our bodies and minds to get back in the mood. If the lovemaking flow has to be interrupted do whatever you can to keep her mind focused on the task at hand. An easy way to do this is to keep her aroused verbally, talking about how much you want her or what you want to do next.

(*I’m a HUGE advocate for safe sex. Practice it. Just do your best to make sure everything you need is close by to insure as little interruption to the lovemaking flow as possible.)

Share Your Heart
To get a slow cooker to work you have to tell it what you’re thinking and dreaming about -

Ok. I’m kidding. A slow cooker doesn’t need to have an emotional connection with the chef, but a woman needs an emotional connection with her partner. A woman’s sex life is a physical representation of the emotional connection that exists. If you two aren’t talking, sharing, and connecting on an emotional level I’d say good luck on getting her to want to connect with you on a physical one.

So, what kitchen appliance are you in the bedroom???

Sometimes it’s weird to me that we humans have so many books on sex. I mean, rabbits and cats don’t seem to have any problem figuring out what’s up so why is it so hard for us? Aren’t we supposed to be the smart ones here on earth?

Well, we are smart which means we’ve made things very complicated. And by complicated I mean that for us humans sex is often much more than a physical need. For most healthy human beings, sex is just as much about our emotional and spiritual needs.

And that’s where the books come in. To help us figure out why it isn’t always as simple as This Part going into That Part.

The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women is hands down my favorite book on the subject on the making of the love. Before reading this book I had assumed that for a man sex was simply something he enjoyed and wanted to do as often as possible. Like smoking a cigar. This book helped me understand how very wrong I was. Men use sex to answer really important questions like “Is she happy?”,”Am I doing my job as a man?” or “Are we connecting?”. You can only imagine what it does to a man when his woman is unresponsive or dismissive towards his sexual/intimacy needs.

It also helped me gain a better understanding of what I, as a woman, wanted out of sex. Women often use sex to guage how desirable their men find them. Sometimes this is a bad thing (Ladies, KNOW that thou art hot), but it’s also natural. We aren’t going to be in the mood if we feel like we’re simply the means to an orgasmic end.

Understanding what both of you need out of your sex life can make it
significantly more fulfilling.

 
Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage is another great one, especially if you’re a Christian looking for an honest conversation about the purpose of sexuality in a relationship. Lots of Christian books that discuss sex are vague at best, letting the reader know that God wants you to enjoy sex… but not TOO much. Aye.

In my opinion, Christians have not done the best job of developing healthy sexual beings. The message that sex is a shameful and dirty act until you sign a marriage certificate is confusing at best. I think this book does a great job of talking openly and honestly about sex with a population that often has no idea what to do with the subject.

Since Dr. Leman is a marriage counselor he spends time talking about how our sexual history (or lack thereof) affects our attitudes towards sex. It’s so important for couples to realize that we’re bringing so much more into the bedroom than just body parts. We’re bringing every thought our parents exposed us to about sex, every one night stand, every sexually abusive act, every insecurity we’ve had about performance or appearance. All of it is in the bedroom with you and acknowledging this is a great way to be both physically and emotionally naked/vulnerable with your partner.

Those are my two suggestions… anyone else know of any great books on how to “do the deed”?

There is something about fall in Nashville that is just… perfect. It’s cool, but not too cool. It’s the perfect time to wear cute cold weather clothes that don’t have to be covered up by a big coat. It’s just flat out cozy. AND I LOVE IT!

All this cool weather coziness never fails to conjure up day dreams about snuggling up with your sweetie next to a warm fire and a cup of hot cocoa.

Or wrapped up in Christmas lights…

Whatever your make out preference, make a point to make out this month! Once you get settled into a relationship it is so easy to let the make out sessions become distant memories. Don’t let your relationship die from lack of kissy-kissy time:

• Making out is a simple way to spice up your relationship. Often the sense of adventure goes out the window because, well, we all know where this is going. Take intercourse out of the equation and you’ll be more likely to be present to all the touching, nibbling, licking, kissing going on without thinking, “Ok, let’s get to the finish line…”
• Making out is an easy way to feel young again, and it’s way more appropriate than trying to dress like Miley Cyrus.
• An hour long make out session could burn between 120-300 calories. Tell me that isn’t THE best exercise plan you’ve ever heard of?
• Dude, you have a make out partner around ALL THE TIME! Not making out on a regular basis really is basically a waste of all the benefits that come from being in a relationship. Don’t be wasteful!
• Making out is cheaper AND more entertaining than whatever is playing at the movies. Make it your date night activity.

Can you imagine how much your relationship could change by taking time to make out every single day this month? Text your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife and ask them to join the October Make Out Challenge (oh, it has a name now)!

This is probably the best and most fun way I’ve ever come up with for making your relationship stronger.

If you’re joining the October Make Out Challenge let me know in the comments or in a Tweet or on Facebook.

In the last post I suggested letting your man know you enjoyed his moves, and I ended with a warning not to fake an orgasm.

I would like to repeat myself.

Do NOT fake orgasms.

Yes, he needs to hear your moans and feel your body to respond to his touch.  He does not, however, need to be lied to, especially within the context of one of the most intimate times in a couple’s relationship.  And here’s why:

Um, you aren’t getting what you want when you fake it

I once made out with a guy and made the mistake of randomly expressing pleasure when he touched my hip.  I don’t know why I did it to begin with, but I know that every time we made out from then on his “go to” move was squeezing my hip.  Not exactly pleasurable, but I kept up the charade for a while because I felt bad for “misrepresenting” myself. 

So I got months of hip massages because I faked pleasure.  All faking an orgasm does is reward bad behavior.  Don’t do it!  Instead, move his hands to where you want them and suggest something that sounds fun to you.  Once he starts doing something you like then start moaning.

Fake orgasms destroy intimacy.

A solid, committed relationship is built on intimacy.  Not physical intimacy, necessarily, but that closeness that comes with knowing you can be your complete and uncensored self with another person.  When you pause and look at how often we have to put up fronts with the people in our world you will realize what a true gift it is to have this partnership where you can let your guard down.  Physical intimacy should be a celebration of the closeness and vulnerability that exists in your relationship.  Faking an orgasm destroys that intimacy because it is, essentially, hiding a part of yourself from this person. 

Lying in the bedroom helps no one.

Ladies, let’s talk about sex for a moment.

Many of us have this preconceived notion that guys are all about sex, all of the time.  We think he’s always looking for a way to get into our pants.  We believed Harry when he told us men couldn’t have platonic female friends because they wanted to have sex with all women.  And being particularly nice one evening is always written off as having the ulterior motive of getting some action later on.

If you’re dating a 17 year old boy, then maybe the above is true, and you’re probably right. All he wants to do is get you in bed.

If you’re with a man, though, I would think twice before jumping to the same tried and true male stereotypes.

Men enjoy sex when their woman enjoys sex.  Seriously.  Turning you on, turns him on.  He wants to know that you enjoy his touch and that he can please you.

So much of a man’s identity is tied up in his sexuality.  For many men, losing their virginity is the first time they learn to identify themselves as men. It’s only natural then that a significant part of how they see themselves comes from how they please their women.

Let your appreciation for how good he makes you feel known to him.  Moan a little louder.  Initiate your next sexual experience.  Ask him to do that thing you love so much tonight.  Beg him for more.

Appreciating his sexuality, this core part of him, will change your relationship and how he interacts with you.

***I am NOT saying to fake an orgasm or to lie in the bedroom. No, no, no.  Just don’t let what you enjoy go un-praised.