Nashville Marriage Studio

I’m on a roll with this Super Bowl/football theme, people. Don’t judge.

People have wondered for a long time which is better: blonde hair or brunette? I believe that we can ignore scientific and sociological data, and instead focus our attention on the football field…

First up, we have the very blonde Jessica Simpson, former girlfriend of the Cowboys’ Tony Romo.

Pros:  Jess’ hair is amazing, she is rocking a pink jersey, she looks like she might understand what is going on.

Cons: Tony Romo had his WORST game ever with her cheering him on.

Now, let’s look at the brunette Kim Kardashian, girlfriend of the Saints’ Reggie Bush.

Pros: Kim was in attendance for one of Reggie’s BEST games ever, she made signs, and the Saints will be in the Super Bowl.

Cons: Where is her pink jersey? It’s a football game for crying out loud. And Reggie has made it clear that all her cheering and support isn’t going to result in a proposal.

As you can tell from this in-depth analysis, if you want to win a football game invite your brunette girlfriend. If you want her to dress for the occasion invite your blonde one.

And if you want a wedding, a baby, AND a seat at the Super Bowl game follow Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson Baskett, wife of the Indianapolis Colts’ Hank Baskett. She kinda rocked it all. And has blonde hair. Go figure.

We’ve all witnessed it. The husband who gets ridiculed by his wife in public for having a low paying job. The girlfriend who won’t let her boyfriend play poker with the guys. Jon and Kate in all those episodes where she berates him for not wiping the kids’ noses correctly AND HE JUST TAKES IT.

It’s every guy’s worst fear. That getting married, or settling down with one woman, will mean that his proverbial balls will end up in the proverbial jar.

And sometimes us ladies want it that way. We crave control and sometimes we do that by emasculating the men in our lives. Well, I’m here to give you 5 reasons to put the jar (and the knife) away…

5 Reasons to Keep His Balls OUT of The Jar:

1. It’s not attractive. Look at Jon up there with the sulking shoulders and angry eyes. Guys are not attractive when their spirit has been trampled on. No matter what your guy looks like, he will always be a million times more attractive when he’s enjoying life and feeling supported and affirmed by your relationship.
2. We wouldn’t put up with it. Seriously, how many girls would put up with a guy telling them they had to scrap their monthly book club meeting because he wanted her to watch him play World of Warcraft? Not many. We’d call him a control freak and roll our eyes. If he can’t do it to you, then why should you do it to him?
3. They have feelings, too. I know this is a shocker, but guys have feelings too. And it hurts him when you make fun of him for being a slob or having weird taste in music. Just because he doesn’t burst into tears every time you make a jab doesn’t mean he isn’t crying on the inside. Yes, I’m serious.
4. He isn’t a girl. He’s never going to really enjoy jeans shopping or dissecting the latest Lindsay Lohan gossip with you. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that you guys are doomed because you don’t share common interests. No, it just means you’re with a dude and dudes are more interested in things that blow up and UFC fighting. It’s just the way we were made. Instead of trying to get your man to enjoy girl things, why don’t you cultivate your relationship with your girlfriends?
5. You’ll trust him more and he’ll love you more. Whenever you take away your man’s right to be, well, a man you’re also eating away at the trust you have in the relationship. How can you know he really loves you if you basically forced him to be sweet/spend time with you, right? Not only that, but a man who has ownership of his balls is immensely more loving towards his woman because he knows that he’s doing so on his own terms, not because he’s been whipped. Men despise that whipped feeling.

The Internet is buzzing with the news:

Conan O’Brien Rejects NBC’s Offer.

(gasp)

The debacle that is happening for NBC and their late-night lineup has left many people wondering how the whole thing will play out.  Is Jay getting his show back? Is Conan going to be Palin’s new sidekick on Fox? Will someone, please, figure out how to bring Johnny Carson back from the dead?

We soon realized that Jay would, essentially, be getting The Tonight Show back and many wondered how Conan would take the news. He could have been a diva. He could have claimed it wasn’t fair and hurled insults at NBC.

Except, he didn’t. Conan issued a response filled with respect, disappointment and integrity and The Internet fell even more in love with our favorite dorky, red-head.

After reading his statement about the loss of his show, here are 3 things teaches us about handling conflict with complete class:

Use of I-statements
Conan is in conflict with NBC. In his statement, he uses the word “I” 23 times and “NBC” 5 times. It may not seem important, but this simple tactic(talking about yourself rather than the person you’re in conflict with) is an easy way to remove any trace of an attacking or aggressive stance towards the other person. By talking about his thoughts and feelings, rather than how NBC screwed up or are a bunch of idiots, makes you more open to listening and less defensive.

Focus on the problem at hand
You know how you have those fights that start because someone forgot to put the milk back in the fridge and end as a walk down Memories That Make Me Hate You Lane? Conan had every reason in the world to let NBC know how much they suck. He could have pointed out every way that he has been wronged in the past decade or so. He could have, but he didn’t. Instead he focused solely on the problem at hand, the destruction of The Tonight Show brand and his desire not to  participate. Focusing on one problem at a time decreases confusion and, again, helps all parties feel safe and not attacked.

Touch of humor
Conan ends his statement with,

“I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.”

This may not make you bust a gut with laughter, but it probably made you smile. Sometimes in a conflict we take ourselves and the fight way too seriously. More than likely whatever you two are fighting about isn’t life or death. A lighthearted, slightly self deprecating, joke is always a wonderful way to ease the tension of an argument. It’s also a great way to inject a little positivity into the conversation while still trying to find a solution.

So maybe Conan lost his job as a comedian, but maybe he could try teaching a conflict resolution workshop or two.

My husband was recently given the unfortunate task of teaching me how to drive a stick shift. For two weeks we drove around an empty parking lot stopping and going until I could get into first gear without either a) stalling the car or b) crying hysterically because of the fear of it stalling.

I get that this doesn’t sound like a time in our relationship that will make it onto our personal highlight reel, but in hind sight it totally will. Here’s why:

Acknowledge each others skillz
It’s easy to think that your spouse doesn’t have much to offer other than companionship, sex, and being a sounding board after a crappy day at work. We lose sight of the fact that our partner has skills and abilities that go unnoticed all the time in a relationship. The first part of learning something new from your partner demands that you acknowledge one of your partner’s many skillz. Doing this is a great way to frame your partner in a positive light.

Humble thine self
After you acknowledge that your partner knows something you don’t know you will begin the practice of humility. Putting yourself in a position where you don’t know everything encourages you to ask more questions and become more open to answers. Cultivating this humble attitude may be one of the best things you can do for your relationship.

Bonding
All of these positive experiences (recognizing your partner’s talents and learning a new skill) will strengthen the bond between the two of you. This will be a pleasant memory that will be tied to your relationship and it will reinforce the idea that you can trust your partner to teach you something new.

And it’s always fun to have a crush on your teacher

I don’t know that there is anything more hopeful than the January calendar page. So clean. So fresh. So full of possibilities.

During the last session of premarital counseling, the couple creates goals for their first year of marriage. Much like a new year, anniversaries in a relationship are wonderful times to reflect on the past and plan for what they want in the next year.

Therapist Note: In the past it was common for couples to work together towards a common goal, like running a farm or business. Modern couples often miss out on the team-building that common goals provide because we’re so busy leading our own lives. Common goals are great reminders that marriage is a team effort and that both of you are necessary.

Maybe you don’t want to wait until your next anniversary to start improving your life or relationship, though. Maybe you want to take advantage of that nice, clean page of the calendar. Maybe I can help.

For the month of January sign up below to receive free email coaching with me to help you achieve your New Year’s Couple Resolutions. You want to run the Country Music Marathon together? Save 10% of your income every month for a down payment on a house? Treat each other to special date nights once a month? Read the Bible together this year? Whatever goal you guys want to set for your relationship I want to help, so here’s how this is going to go down:

1. Sign up and provide your email address, your first name, your partner’s first name and a brief description of the goal you guys want to achieve together.
2. I’ll email you back with my suggestions on how to make it a S.M.A.R.T. goal.
3. We’ll finalize the plan for the New Year through email.
4. I’ll email you twice a month for the rest of the year to keep you kids accountable (seriously, that’s the hard part about goals – you forget you made them a month in!)
5. By this time next year you’ll be faster/thinner/richer/closer/smarter than you are today! And all for the hefty price of zero!

Sign up now!

Therapist Note: This coaching is not therapy. It’s help in defining and bi-monthly accountability regarding your goals. That’s it.

I know that some of you are in relationships that feel like this plant right now.

Your relationship is dry. Unhealthy. Malnourished. Frail. Dying.

You’re ready to give up. You want to quit.

I don’t know you or your situation so I can’t really give any advice. What I can tell you is that the plant’s dry, dead, brittle look isn’t always for forever. Sometimes this is just the season in the plant’s life. The season right before the plant turns green and its flowers bloom.

Maybe your relationship isn’t dead. Maybe it’s just in the season right before it blooms.

I’m 26 years-old, and I honestly can’t remember being in relationships that didn’t involve The Internet.

My first conversation with who would end up being my first boyfriend was on AOL Instant Messenger.

In college, arguments with the (same) boyfriend were aired for all to see through those wonderful Away Messages (”NumNum007 is away and crying herself to sleep because her boyfriend is a JERK!”… yeah, I was that girl.)

I Googled the man who I would end up marrying before we went on our first date. I told him about it on the third date (”You GOOGLED me!?!… Well, what did you find?”).

I’ve blogged most of my love life. I’ve given my significant other the top spot on my Myspace page and been in every possible relationship status there is (single, in a relationship, it’s complicated, engaged and married).

Not only that, but I’ve watched all of my 20-something friends do the same thing. I know that a relationship is blooming when profile pics go from one person to two. And that a marriage is in trouble when the relationship status disappears from their profile.

For Gen Y social media has always been a part of our love lives, and maybe that’s why I thought it was weird that anyone would need a guide on how to handle Facebook and your marriage.

Most of the advice is pretty standard. Let people know what your relationship status is. Don’t say mean things about your spouse. Use The Internet to say nice things about one another (even though I side more with Project M on this one and think that Internet PDA is kinda awkward).

There was some advice, however, that seemed odd in my opinion. Like, don’t ‘friend’ old flames or former crushes. And to keep your conversation with the opposite sex as public and as minimal as possible. Personally, my high school sweetheart, every guy I dated in college and the boy I had a crush on all through elementary school are all friends of mine on Facebook. I regularly see updates on them in my feed. And? I think it’s ok. I mean, I don’t privately message any of them to get their advice on fights I’m having with my husband, but it’s kinda fun to know how many kids they have or where their job took them.

The other piece of advice was to give each other access to all of your social media accounts. On some level, I respect the transparency. However, I and many of those I asked on Facebook and Twitter wondered where the trust was. This is definitely one of those questions without a right answer and that a couple needs to talk about and agree to. Dorie Morgan gave one of my favorite answers when she suggested, “[we] have each other’s passwords but treat it like having each other’s social security #… emergencies only”.

Has the issue of Facebook, Twitter or email been a problem in your relationship? Are young people just so used to the presence of The Internet in our lives that we don’t think that much of it? Are people who are less familiar with having all of their social interactions available online rightfully cautious? What are The Rules when it comes to The Internet?

Here’s a test to help you determine whether you are “marriage material”:

You are on the toilet. You are about to “finish up”. An empty roll of toilet paper is staring back at you. You (choose one):

• Cry. Why is this happening to me? Is there no God?
• Get mad. Why didn’t the last person fix this? When are people going to learn some freakin’ bathroom etiquette?
• Waddle. Waddle to wherever more toilet paper is and get on with life.

Waddlers, congratulations! You’re ready for marriage! One of the most important skills for a successful partnership, like marriage, is being solution-oriented rather than blame-oriented when life happens. You’re first response to conflict is “What can I do to make this situation better?” not “Who can I blame so that I don’t have to be responsible?“. This is awesome and you’re going to be an awesome spouse.

Too many people are in unhappy marriages and relationships and aren’t taking any responsibility for the unhappiness. They’re just sitting there on the proverbial toilet crying, angry and ’soiled’. When unhappy couples finally come to counseling do you know what their goals are? For the therapist to change their partner. Because they didn’t contribute to any of their problems. Baloney.

Here are some steps you can take today to become personally accountable in your relationship:

1. Identify a problem in your relationship.
2. Identify how YOU contribute to the problem (other than abusive situations, there is some way that you’re contributing to this problem).
3. Do something to correct your portion of the problem.
4. Do something regardless of what your spouse is doing/not doing. 
5. Pick up a copy of John Miller’s QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: Practicing Personal Accountability at Work and in Life a GREAT book on personal accountability. Read it together.

Start taking responsibility today.

I can’t remember where I first saw this video, but I do remember crying. Because OMG is there anything sweeter than a dog so happy to see her daddy back from Afghanistan? I think not.

After I got done crying I started thinking about how happy this dog was to see her owner. How odd that really is. Someone that you trust and depend on steps out of your life for 6 months without nary an email and when he comes back you’re rolling over onto your back so he can scratch your belly? Preposterous.

But in a dog’s world it makes sense. It makes sense because dogs love in an extraordinary way. In a way that puts us humans to shame. Because dogs are able to give the people in their lives the benefit of the doubt. The soldier was gone for months and this dog could have assumed that he had found a new best friend or that he had forgotten about her or that he had run out on her. It would have been easy to make those assumptions and to have then punished her human master accordingly.

But she didn’t. Instead she gave him the benefit of the doubt and unleashed months of pent up love on his butt. And it was awesome in all its tear-inducing glory.

Who in your life do you need to give the benefit of the doubt to?

I love Thanksgiving. It’s hands down my favorite holiday of the year.

Naturally, when the name of the day has the word ‘thanks’ in it we gravitate towards reflecting on all the things and people we’re thankful for in our lives. (This is a great post by Nashville wedding planner Emily Humphries of Simply Yours on what she’s thankful for this year.)

I would like to steer us in a different direction this year… towards the Turkey.The official slang definition of turkey is “a person considered inept or undesirable“.

It’s easy to spend the majority of the year focusing on how our spouse has been a Turkey. Like, when he forgets to take the trash to the corner 2 weeks in a row. Or when she insists you take out the trash right when the Indianapolis Colts make yet another amazing comeback against the Patriots.

Every couple has had their fair share of Turkey moments. Take some time to laugh about these moments and say sorry for the times you were a turkey. Most importantly, remind your partner of all the times they were NOT a turkey this year, times you were really proud or THANKFUL to have him/her in your life. And at the end of the day, remember you made it through past Turkey behavior and will surely make it through future Turkey moments as well!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!