Nashville Marriage Studio

What you do with 40+ hours of your week matters when it comes to your relationship. Because spending the majority of your time doing something you hate or that you find no value in will take a toll on your relationship. The depression, anxiety and insecurity that crappy jobs breed do not understand boundaries and will be more than happy to ooze their way into your relationship.

What are you doing to protect yourself and the person you love?

For many, we hear the dreary job reports on the news and assume that there is nothing we can do about our job situation until the economy gets better. Or until some magical job fairy comes along to save you. Whichever comes first.

Today, I would like you to step away from the excuses and introduce you to a (free) resource that can help you gain a sense of power over you job situation. This What I Know About Getting a Job is a (free) ebook from Brazen Careerist is a wonderful collection of advice from top HR professionals on tips and insights on how to get your job search truly rolling.

Here’s the thing: Deciding to take ownership of your career and finding what value you bring to the world could possibly be one of the best ways to improve your relationship.

Here in Nashville we’re being told to conserve water because the floods have taken out one of our water treatment facilities.

(btw, this poster is a great way to show support for Nashville…get yours here)

The first couple of days of the mandated water conservation were kind of a, well, bust. We heard that we should cut our water intake by half but I’m guessing most of us just thought the mayor was talking to… someone else?

At one point our water reserves dipped below 50% which had the city begging us to take them seriously. Cut your water usage, they pleaded.

And Nashville listened.

A week later our reserves have doubled to 88% (keep taking short showers and no car washes quite yet), and I have to say that I’m quite impressed with my fellow Nashvillians. I mean, that was pretty fast and I didn’t hear even a whisper of a complaint.

I’ve been wondering if we will be able to keep it up. If we’d find that it isn’t that unbearable to take 2 minute showers instead of 15 minute ones. Or staying committed long after the flood of 2010 to catching our unused water rather than letting it run down the drain. Would it be possible for this horrible event to produce more water conscious Nashvillians?

And then I started thinking crazy thoughts…

How did we go from halfheartedly listening to becoming water conserving ninjas? More importantly, how could we use the same process to cut down on the criticism, negativity, defensiveness or contempt in a relationship?

Identify the Crisis
Most change happens in response to a crisis. Running out of clean water would have been a pretty big deal and we would have felt the effects immediately. We wanted to avoid that so we turned the faucets off.

What will happen if the criticism and negativity continues in your relationship? Recognizing how your relationship can be affected (breaking up, divorce, being miserable) can be easy motivation to change your behavior.

Define the Desired Behavior
Sam Davidson wrote a great article about what half your water usage actually looked like. It was hard to know whether you were doing a good job cutting back on water when you weren’t really sure how much water you normally used. When people made concrete suggestions (take Navy showers, don’t flush every time someone peed, or hold off on washing clothes for a while) it made it a lot easier to conserve.

You have probably paid the same level of attention to the amount of negativity in your relationship as the amount of water you use while brushing your teeth. Both go relatively unnoticed. Once you start paying attention to where most of the negativity occurs (being annoyed when you walk in from work, grumpiness due to hunger) you’ll be able to decide on concrete behaviors that will make a difference.

Supportive Community
Soon after the flood a rumor started that Metro Nashville would be cutting off water. This rumor caused some people to get scared and fill bath tubs up with water which further drained Nashville’s reserves. It could have easily been a disaster if everyone operated out of this fear because then there really would have been no water. Instead of depleting our water reserves, we calmed down and made jokes about being stinky together.

It’s always easier to change a behavior when we have the support of a group making the same change. Surround yourself with a community that values relationships and wants to curb the criticism, too.

Become a criticism conservation ninja. Today.

How to tell if your relationship is childish:

• You throw tantrums to make a point.
• The concept of sharing is as foreign to you as quantum physics.
• You’re incapable of saying sorry first.
• If something goes wrong the first words out of your mouth are “It’s not my fault!”, “I didn’t do it!” or “He/she started it!”.
• Remembering to say “please” and “thank you” is really, really difficult.
• Threatening to take your toys and go home seems like a truly reasonable solution.
• You have to wipe the slobber off of your face after kissing.

People, there’s a reason that you have to be 18* to get married in the state of Tennessee: Marriage requires grown ups.

*Technically, in Tennessee you can get married before the age of 18 if your parents are present. With a court order you can get married before the age of 16.

I’m on a roll with this Super Bowl/football theme, people. Don’t judge.

People have wondered for a long time which is better: blonde hair or brunette? I believe that we can ignore scientific and sociological data, and instead focus our attention on the football field…

First up, we have the very blonde Jessica Simpson, former girlfriend of the Cowboys’ Tony Romo.

Pros:  Jess’ hair is amazing, she is rocking a pink jersey, she looks like she might understand what is going on.

Cons: Tony Romo had his WORST game ever with her cheering him on.

Now, let’s look at the brunette Kim Kardashian, girlfriend of the Saints’ Reggie Bush.

Pros: Kim was in attendance for one of Reggie’s BEST games ever, she made signs, and the Saints will be in the Super Bowl.

Cons: Where is her pink jersey? It’s a football game for crying out loud. And Reggie has made it clear that all her cheering and support isn’t going to result in a proposal.

As you can tell from this in-depth analysis, if you want to win a football game invite your brunette girlfriend. If you want her to dress for the occasion invite your blonde one.

And if you want a wedding, a baby, AND a seat at the Super Bowl game follow Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson Baskett, wife of the Indianapolis Colts’ Hank Baskett. She kinda rocked it all. And has blonde hair. Go figure.

We’ve all witnessed it. The husband who gets ridiculed by his wife in public for having a low paying job. The girlfriend who won’t let her boyfriend play poker with the guys. Jon and Kate in all those episodes where she berates him for not wiping the kids’ noses correctly AND HE JUST TAKES IT.

It’s every guy’s worst fear. That getting married, or settling down with one woman, will mean that his proverbial balls will end up in the proverbial jar.

And sometimes us ladies want it that way. We crave control and sometimes we do that by emasculating the men in our lives. Well, I’m here to give you 5 reasons to put the jar (and the knife) away…

5 Reasons to Keep His Balls OUT of The Jar:

1. It’s not attractive. Look at Jon up there with the sulking shoulders and angry eyes. Guys are not attractive when their spirit has been trampled on. No matter what your guy looks like, he will always be a million times more attractive when he’s enjoying life and feeling supported and affirmed by your relationship.
2. We wouldn’t put up with it. Seriously, how many girls would put up with a guy telling them they had to scrap their monthly book club meeting because he wanted her to watch him play World of Warcraft? Not many. We’d call him a control freak and roll our eyes. If he can’t do it to you, then why should you do it to him?
3. They have feelings, too. I know this is a shocker, but guys have feelings too. And it hurts him when you make fun of him for being a slob or having weird taste in music. Just because he doesn’t burst into tears every time you make a jab doesn’t mean he isn’t crying on the inside. Yes, I’m serious.
4. He isn’t a girl. He’s never going to really enjoy jeans shopping or dissecting the latest Lindsay Lohan gossip with you. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that you guys are doomed because you don’t share common interests. No, it just means you’re with a dude and dudes are more interested in things that blow up and UFC fighting. It’s just the way we were made. Instead of trying to get your man to enjoy girl things, why don’t you cultivate your relationship with your girlfriends?
5. You’ll trust him more and he’ll love you more. Whenever you take away your man’s right to be, well, a man you’re also eating away at the trust you have in the relationship. How can you know he really loves you if you basically forced him to be sweet/spend time with you, right? Not only that, but a man who has ownership of his balls is immensely more loving towards his woman because he knows that he’s doing so on his own terms, not because he’s been whipped. Men despise that whipped feeling.

The Internet is buzzing with the news:

Conan O’Brien Rejects NBC’s Offer.

(gasp)

The debacle that is happening for NBC and their late-night lineup has left many people wondering how the whole thing will play out.  Is Jay getting his show back? Is Conan going to be Palin’s new sidekick on Fox? Will someone, please, figure out how to bring Johnny Carson back from the dead?

We soon realized that Jay would, essentially, be getting The Tonight Show back and many wondered how Conan would take the news. He could have been a diva. He could have claimed it wasn’t fair and hurled insults at NBC.

Except, he didn’t. Conan issued a response filled with respect, disappointment and integrity and The Internet fell even more in love with our favorite dorky, red-head.

After reading his statement about the loss of his show, here are 3 things teaches us about handling conflict with complete class:

Use of I-statements
Conan is in conflict with NBC. In his statement, he uses the word “I” 23 times and “NBC” 5 times. It may not seem important, but this simple tactic(talking about yourself rather than the person you’re in conflict with) is an easy way to remove any trace of an attacking or aggressive stance towards the other person. By talking about his thoughts and feelings, rather than how NBC screwed up or are a bunch of idiots, makes you more open to listening and less defensive.

Focus on the problem at hand
You know how you have those fights that start because someone forgot to put the milk back in the fridge and end as a walk down Memories That Make Me Hate You Lane? Conan had every reason in the world to let NBC know how much they suck. He could have pointed out every way that he has been wronged in the past decade or so. He could have, but he didn’t. Instead he focused solely on the problem at hand, the destruction of The Tonight Show brand and his desire not to  participate. Focusing on one problem at a time decreases confusion and, again, helps all parties feel safe and not attacked.

Touch of humor
Conan ends his statement with,

“I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.”

This may not make you bust a gut with laughter, but it probably made you smile. Sometimes in a conflict we take ourselves and the fight way too seriously. More than likely whatever you two are fighting about isn’t life or death. A lighthearted, slightly self deprecating, joke is always a wonderful way to ease the tension of an argument. It’s also a great way to inject a little positivity into the conversation while still trying to find a solution.

So maybe Conan lost his job as a comedian, but maybe he could try teaching a conflict resolution workshop or two.

My husband was recently given the unfortunate task of teaching me how to drive a stick shift. For two weeks we drove around an empty parking lot stopping and going until I could get into first gear without either a) stalling the car or b) crying hysterically because of the fear of it stalling.

I get that this doesn’t sound like a time in our relationship that will make it onto our personal highlight reel, but in hind sight it totally will. Here’s why:

Acknowledge each others skillz
It’s easy to think that your spouse doesn’t have much to offer other than companionship, sex, and being a sounding board after a crappy day at work. We lose sight of the fact that our partner has skills and abilities that go unnoticed all the time in a relationship. The first part of learning something new from your partner demands that you acknowledge one of your partner’s many skillz. Doing this is a great way to frame your partner in a positive light.

Humble thine self
After you acknowledge that your partner knows something you don’t know you will begin the practice of humility. Putting yourself in a position where you don’t know everything encourages you to ask more questions and become more open to answers. Cultivating this humble attitude may be one of the best things you can do for your relationship.

Bonding
All of these positive experiences (recognizing your partner’s talents and learning a new skill) will strengthen the bond between the two of you. This will be a pleasant memory that will be tied to your relationship and it will reinforce the idea that you can trust your partner to teach you something new.

And it’s always fun to have a crush on your teacher

I don’t know that there is anything more hopeful than the January calendar page. So clean. So fresh. So full of possibilities.

During the last session of premarital counseling, the couple creates goals for their first year of marriage. Much like a new year, anniversaries in a relationship are wonderful times to reflect on the past and plan for what they want in the next year.

Therapist Note: In the past it was common for couples to work together towards a common goal, like running a farm or business. Modern couples often miss out on the team-building that common goals provide because we’re so busy leading our own lives. Common goals are great reminders that marriage is a team effort and that both of you are necessary.

Maybe you don’t want to wait until your next anniversary to start improving your life or relationship, though. Maybe you want to take advantage of that nice, clean page of the calendar. Maybe I can help.

For the month of January sign up below to receive free email coaching with me to help you achieve your New Year’s Couple Resolutions. You want to run the Country Music Marathon together? Save 10% of your income every month for a down payment on a house? Treat each other to special date nights once a month? Read the Bible together this year? Whatever goal you guys want to set for your relationship I want to help, so here’s how this is going to go down:

1. Sign up and provide your email address, your first name, your partner’s first name and a brief description of the goal you guys want to achieve together.
2. I’ll email you back with my suggestions on how to make it a S.M.A.R.T. goal.
3. We’ll finalize the plan for the New Year through email.
4. I’ll email you twice a month for the rest of the year to keep you kids accountable (seriously, that’s the hard part about goals – you forget you made them a month in!)
5. By this time next year you’ll be faster/thinner/richer/closer/smarter than you are today! And all for the hefty price of zero!

Sign up now!

Therapist Note: This coaching is not therapy. It’s help in defining and bi-monthly accountability regarding your goals. That’s it.

I know that some of you are in relationships that feel like this plant right now.

Your relationship is dry. Unhealthy. Malnourished. Frail. Dying.

You’re ready to give up. You want to quit.

I don’t know you or your situation so I can’t really give any advice. What I can tell you is that the plant’s dry, dead, brittle look isn’t always for forever. Sometimes this is just the season in the plant’s life. The season right before the plant turns green and its flowers bloom.

Maybe your relationship isn’t dead. Maybe it’s just in the season right before it blooms.

I’m 26 years-old, and I honestly can’t remember being in relationships that didn’t involve The Internet.

My first conversation with who would end up being my first boyfriend was on AOL Instant Messenger.

In college, arguments with the (same) boyfriend were aired for all to see through those wonderful Away Messages (“NumNum007 is away and crying herself to sleep because her boyfriend is a JERK!”… yeah, I was that girl.)

I Googled the man who I would end up marrying before we went on our first date. I told him about it on the third date (“You GOOGLED me!?!… Well, what did you find?”).

I’ve blogged most of my love life. I’ve given my significant other the top spot on my Myspace page and been in every possible relationship status there is (single, in a relationship, it’s complicated, engaged and married).

Not only that, but I’ve watched all of my 20-something friends do the same thing. I know that a relationship is blooming when profile pics go from one person to two. And that a marriage is in trouble when the relationship status disappears from their profile.

For Gen Y social media has always been a part of our love lives, and maybe that’s why I thought it was weird that anyone would need a guide on how to handle Facebook and your marriage.

Most of the advice is pretty standard. Let people know what your relationship status is. Don’t say mean things about your spouse. Use The Internet to say nice things about one another (even though I side more with Project M on this one and think that Internet PDA is kinda awkward).

There was some advice, however, that seemed odd in my opinion. Like, don’t ‘friend’ old flames or former crushes. And to keep your conversation with the opposite sex as public and as minimal as possible. Personally, my high school sweetheart, every guy I dated in college and the boy I had a crush on all through elementary school are all friends of mine on Facebook. I regularly see updates on them in my feed. And? I think it’s ok. I mean, I don’t privately message any of them to get their advice on fights I’m having with my husband, but it’s kinda fun to know how many kids they have or where their job took them.

The other piece of advice was to give each other access to all of your social media accounts. On some level, I respect the transparency. However, I and many of those I asked on Facebook and Twitter wondered where the trust was. This is definitely one of those questions without a right answer and that a couple needs to talk about and agree to. Dorie Morgan gave one of my favorite answers when she suggested, “[we] have each other’s passwords but treat it like having each other’s social security #… emergencies only”.

Has the issue of Facebook, Twitter or email been a problem in your relationship? Are young people just so used to the presence of The Internet in our lives that we don’t think that much of it? Are people who are less familiar with having all of their social interactions available online rightfully cautious? What are The Rules when it comes to The Internet?