Nashville Marriage Studio

I know that some of you are in relationships that feel like this plant right now.

Your relationship is dry. Unhealthy. Malnourished. Frail. Dying.

You’re ready to give up. You want to quit.

I don’t know you or your situation so I can’t really give any advice. What I can tell you is that the plant’s dry, dead, brittle look isn’t always for forever. Sometimes this is just the season in the plant’s life. The season right before the plant turns green and its flowers bloom.

Maybe your relationship isn’t dead. Maybe it’s just in the season right before it blooms.

Watching a celebrity deal with the ramifications of an affair excites pretty much everyone. We want to know when. We want to know with how many. We want to know why. And most of all we want to know how can we make sure something like this never happens to us.

It’s easy to assume that affairs happen because a person is a jerk that disrespects his wife and family. Or that she was lonely and just needed attention. Both can be true, however, Emily Bowen a therapist in Virgina, has specialized in understanding what is at the root of most infidelity. Below I’ve described the 5 different types of affairs. Maybe with a better understanding of what behaviors often lead to affairs we will be better prepared to avoid or recover from them.

Conflict avoidant
This couple is really nice.  So nice that they can’t say anything disagreeable.  Because what if she leaves me if I tell her her cooking stinks?  Will he quit loving me if I admit that I don’t like Star Trek?  All this hiding and lying creates loads of anxiety.  And one of the best ways to diffuse anxiety is to create a triangle, in this case a love triangle.  Hello, New Lover.  Goodbye, Anxiety.

Intimacy Avoidant
This couple fights.  All. the. time.  Partly because of repressed hostility towards their parents, but mostly because they are afraid of intimacy, or being vulnerable with another person.  Thoughts like, “I don’t want to be too close to you.  Closeness hurts.  I don’t want to hurt” happen here.  Having an affair is simply one more barrier to intimacy.

Sex Addiction
Yes, it’s real.  Ever heard that your brain is the greatest pharmacy in the world?  Every drug you could ever want exists in it.  Having sex is an easy way to release those natural feel good chemicals, and for some people a wonderfully secret way to numb the pain.  Because unlike alcohol or drugs, it’s a bit harder to tell when someone is “overdosing”.  Just like alcohol or drugs, you become tolerant to a certain level and require more and more to get a fix.  And sometimes that “fix” is in the form of some action on the side.

Split Self
You’re doing everything “right”.  You’re providing for the family or nurturing the kids.  Whatever your role, you’re getting things done.  In doing so, you’ve sacrificed some of your own needs.  Instead of admitting these needs to your partner and family, you seek to have them met elsewhere.  These affairs are typically very serious, and people in them struggle to give them up. 

Exit
Some people can’t just say what they want, and need justification from an external source.  This is the case with the exit affair.  Saying they just don’t want in anymore would be infinitely healthier, but having an external excuse (i.e. an affair) makes them feel justified.

 

Unless you are living under a rock, you’ve probably caught an episode or two of Glee, Fox’s latest hit.

If you’re a fan of Glee then you’re undoubtedly caught up in the drama of Will and Terri’s marriage.

It’s crazy.

Will’s the Glee teacher and Terri is his “pregnant” wife. And “pregnant” is in quotes because she’s so NOT pregnant. It’s a strap-on belly. And it still boggles my mind how he hasn’t figured this out yet.

I’m guessing she’s faking this pregnancy because she’s convinced her marriage depends on it. In her mind, Will wouldn’t be with her if it wasn’t for this baby.

So here’s Terri hiding this pitiful secret. A secret that we know she can’t keep forever. A secret that she believes she has to keep for the sake of her marriage.

And on some level we’re watching her and shaking our heads. How silly to think this might work. And how sad that you can’t trust your husband and marriage enough to be honest.

Now I have to ask…

Are you hiding from the person you love? Are you operating out of the false belief that if I show my partner this part of me I will lose their love/respect/commitment?

We laugh at Terri because her scenario is so outrageous. But what about the small lies? What about when you lie about the number of people you’ve slept with? Or when you say you love science fiction even when you thought R2D2 was a trashcan? Or when you say you spent $50 at Bass Pro Shop and you really spent $150?

Most of the lies we tell are born out of the fear that our partner can’t handle the truth. Decide this week to end that fear. Have a conversation this week about what motivates each of you to lie, what makes you afraid of telling the truth? Are there certain areas you’re more prone to lie about? Is there something your partner does (a tone of voice, a facial expression, a stated belief) that confirms your belief that if they knew “the truth” your relationship would be over?

The truth won’t necessarily be easy, but it is necessary.

Independence is considered something that is given up when you decide to get married. Your freedom to go and do what you please is deemed over and done. No longer are you allowed girl’s nights or buying motorcycles just because you want to. There are no more fun trips backpacking through Europe or chasing down your dream job. Marriage is simply a polite form of slavery, right?

I say, No. Not at all. Or at least it doesn’t have to be. Marriage does not have to be the boring marriages our parents had where we settle into suburbia and call it a day. If you choose, marriage can mean a biker buddy for your new motorcycle. Or someone to help carry the load as you backpack through Europe. Marriage can be an in-house cheerleader as you make your dream job a reality.

Marriage is the freedom to choose the life you want AND the opportunity to bring along your best friend.

Assume.  It makes an a$$ out of you and me.

  Assuming you know what your partner is thinking is the first ingredient for relational disaster.

Assuming means you’re crossing a line that you aren’t allowed to cross.  It’s saying that you know what is going on in your partner’s head and heart.  And you don’t.  Unless you ask.

Assuming suggests that you two aren’t communicating so well.  Communication is fundamental for a successful relationship.

9 times out of 10 you’re assuming the worst.  Assuming he’s cheating, instead of assuming he’s telling everyone how amazing you are.  Assuming she only cares about herself, instead of assuming she’d do anything to make you happy if you’d just ask.

If you absolutely HAVE to assume.  Assume the best.  Your partner (probably) deserves the benefit of the doubt.

I was driving home tonight and heard a sound coming from my engine that kinda sorta sounded like metal grinding on metal. But only kinda like that. And it only lasted for a split second.

My knowledge of cars is limited. Very limited. Like, the only thing I really know is how to pump gas. That and when something goes wrong check your dashboard to see what light has come on.

So I checked the dashboard where the “Check Engine” icon shined brightly. No duh, Dashboard.

The car was clearly broken, and do you know what I did? I decided that whatever was wrong wasn’t bad enough to make the car stop moving, so I should be fine.

And I strategically positioned my hands on the steering wheel so that my arm blocked my vision from the “Check Engine” light. Out of sight, out of mind. Problem fixed. Right?

Signs of a failing relationship are hard to miss. Constant arguing. Not as much sex. Working late because going home sucks. Talking to your friends about how miserable your marriage is.

We see the signs, know things are broken, yet we keep on going pretending nothing is wrong.

How’s your relationship doing? What signs are you seeing? What signs are you avoiding?

Have you ever pulled into your parking space at work and thought, “How on earth did I get here?” You immediately become aware that because of your familiarty with the drive to the office you zoned out. Didn’t pay attention. Went on autopilot.

Then a small amount of fear hits your heart when the thought “I could have died!” fully forms. Driving while practically asleep is a recipe for disaster. No one wants to be woken up by Mack truck.

Nearly everyone has experienced the autopilot sensation when driving a familiar route. It’s easy to quit being present to a moment that happens every single day. At the same time. In the same way.

Going on autopilot is not reserved for our daily commute. No, our relationships are put on autopilot, too. She asks you to take the trash out. He say later. She insists on now. He tells her to quit nagging. She questions how much he really loves her.  It’s a conversation they have had many times, a well-worn road in their relationship.  Once one or both “wake up” they are in the middle of an argument wondering “How on earth did we get here?”

The fear of going on autopilot in a conversation isn’t as scary as doing so while driving.  The repurcussions don’t seem as tragic.  Until you’re packing your things after one too many fights about whose turn it is to do the dishes.  Or you’re in divorce court because all your conversations were about who spent too much money.  All of a sudden you are hit with a Mack truck.  And it feels horrible.

You are driving this thing called a relationship.  Wake up before it’s too late.