Nashville Marriage Studio

Marriage is scary.

It’s a big decision. A decision that ties you to another person (and that person’s family) forever.

Forever.

Marriage is promising forever to someone. Not “until things get hard”. Not “as long as I feel butterflies in my stomach”. Not “as long as this is right for me”.

Marriage is a decision to promise to one person forever.

Before you decide to marry, before you say “I do”, look at this person. Look at all of this person. Not just the cute, feel good parts of this person. Look at all of the person.

Because you aren’t just promising to love the good parts of this person forever. You’re committing to their tendency to hoard. You’re committing to their laziness. You’re committing to their selfishness. You’re committing to their nagging requests for “quality time”.

Once we decide to marry someone it is easy to want to focus on how this person completes you and makes you happy. It helps lessen our anxiety about making such a big decision. If we let ourselves think about all the reasons marriage is scary, we might talk ourselves out of it, right?

Maybe. Or we just might save our marriage before it begins.

I think one of the biggest reasons marriages fail is because we desperately want to believe that we’re marrying some perfect being who is going to fulfill every need and desire we will ever have. And the first time we are confronted with the truth, that we’ve married an imperfect human, we’re shattered and convinced that we’ve made the wrong decision or the person we promised forever to has changed. Many decide this is the time to bail.

What if we went into this very serious promise seeing the entire person? Seeing the good and the bad. Promising to love the good and the bad. Would our desire to run be as strong if we were able to see it coming? Would we be able to remind ourselves, and each other, that we both knew what we were getting into when we made this promise?

The second session of premarital counseling is the “Anxiety Session”. We talk about all the things that make you anxious about marriage. Not to test you and see if you’re making a bad choice, but to make sure that you’re going into this with eyes wide open. This session is a way to give you a safe place to say “I’m scared…” and not have someone question if you’re really ready to get married, but instead to simply listen.

Marriage is scary, but don’t close your eyes.

It all started with a tweet. A tweet from Joy Wilson about boudoir photography.

I became intrigued. I am a huge advocate of boudoir photography for ladies in committed and loving relationships with men that have earned the right to see your, um, goodies. There are so many ways boudoir photography can enrich your relationship, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

First, back to tweets and Joy. Our Twitter conversation led to email which led to a lunch date to talk about all things love, relationships and boudoir. Joy was an absolute delight. An ABSOLUTE delight. I immediately felt like we were old friends and it wasn’t long before we were planning a full-fledged Boudoir as Marriage Enrichment event.

We are now teaming up to present Beloved Boudoir Photography…

As you can see, Joy Wilson is a wonderful photographer whose gift is not simply her ability to capture beautiful photos that will allow you and your man to enjoy your unique sexiness. No, she also has the gift of a personality that allows you to feel comfortable and beautiful enough to truly enjoy something that many of us think we’d never have the guts to do. That, my friends, is talent.

Like I said earlier, I believe that boudoir photography can enrich your relationship in so many ways. Let me explain:

• Men experience sexuality through what they can see. Porn is not a billion-dollar industry for nothing, people. There is so much lost for a man’s sexual experience when we rush to cover our bodies or insist that the lights be turned off. Boudoir photography is a wonderfully creative way to let him see you in all your crazy sexy glory.
• This allows you to see yourself as a sexual being. Too often us women limit our definition of sexual attractiveness to Giselle Bundchen. It’s difficult to believe that our men enjoy the sight of our bodies because we’re so hung up on a roll here or some cellulite there. Boudoir is a wonderful way to fall in love with your body and see yourself in a whole new light.
• Vulnerability is what seals the bond between a couple. We can’t truly understand intimacy until we’ve taken a risk to share a part of ourselves that is typically hidden from others. This type of gift can be a wonderful way to symbolize the trust you have in your man, trusting that he will treasure and love, not only these photos, but you.
• I’m offering a discount on premarital counseling or education for anyone who partakes in this event. You can get $25 off of the Bound Together Workshop or 10% off of premarital counseling.

If you would like more details about Beloved Boudoir Portraits email Joy at joy@joywilsonphotography.com and be sure to check out all of her amazing work at Joy Wilson Photography.

One of my favorite movies is The Story of Us with Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis. They’re a couple on the brink of divorce and throughout the movie they remember how they met and all the junk they’ve been through together and then fall back in love.

I’m crying just thinking about the movie. I’m a mess.

My love for that movie is probably why I love the first session of premarital counseling. This is the session where I get to hear the couple’s “story”. How they got together. Why he picked her. What made her flirt back. Whether they were friends first or had a torrid love affair. When they started talking marriage. Whether they broke up. How the proposal went down.

Not only does the story of a couple fascinate me, but I honestly believe that there is power in a couple’s story. Telling your story is a wonderful way to acknowledge that you are a team now. How you went from two separate individuals to a couple and, now as you prepare for marriage, your very own, albeit tiny, family.

The power of a couple’s story comes in how wonderfully joyful an engaged couple is while telling it. I’ve watched future brides light up when they hear their groom talk about how nervous he was to talk to the prettiest girl in the world. I see the smile creep across his face as he remembers his brazenness.

More importantly, I see how positive they are about their darker times. Some couples go through doubts or breakups before realizing that they’re ready for forever. And when they talk about these times they are filled with the hope of knowing that they can get through near anything together. They talk about breakups and focus on the lessons they’ve learned, rather than the bitterness that could easily eat away at their bond.

Couples, do anything and everything you can to cherish your story. Use premarital counseling to slow down and meditate on the journey that is bringing you to your wedding day. Put together a scrapbook filled with important events in your relationship. Find a videographer or grab a camera and record the two of you sharing your story together.

Because one day your story may be all there is holding you two together.

Peyton Manning is, in my opinion, the best thing to ever happen to football. He’s amazing. And his amazing-ness was almost reflected in a perfect season this year.

Yes, for those of you that don’t keep up with the magical world of the NFL, the Colts almost had a perfect season this year. They lost their 15th game to the Jets after deciding to rest their starters rather than risk injury.

I’m not going to lie. I was sad. Sad that Peyton and the Colts were so close to tasting the special sauce that is an undefeated season and that they let the dream slip by without being able to truly find out if they could have done it. Because once you go 14 games without losing fans start dreaming The Dream. The dream of joining the ‘72 Dolphins in perfect season history. The dream of laughing loudly in Bill Bellichick’s face. I mean…

Like I said, there was sadness because the dream of perfection was gone. The dreams of the Super Bowl, however, were not even close to gone, but perfection? Yes, perfection was dead.

And I think that same sadness happens after your first real fight as a  married couple. I’m not talking about that silly fight about who loves each other more. No, I’m talking about real fights.

That fight about finding pornography on the computer.

That fight about how much money is being spent at Target.

That fight about over feeling unappreciated and just wanting to quit.

You know. The real fights.

Real fights happen and destroy any dreams we have of the perfect marriage where everyone gets breakfast in bed and has sex twice a day.  Some of us have our first real fight and we’re ready to quit. We’ve lost the hope of the perfect marriage and give up. This phenomenon is why so many marriages end within the first 5 years, too many people expect perfect and then are confronted with reality and they don’t like it.

Have your first scary, “I don’t know if we’re going to make it” fight. It’ll be ok. It isn’t the end of your season. I promise.

*Go Colts.

*If the Saints should happen to win the Super Bowl I will be just as happy, though. I always appreciate history being made, and I heart “underdogs” (they aren’t REALLY underdogs. They had just as awesome of a season as the Colts).

Bound Together is a premarital education workshop that I offer for couples who are engaged or thinking about getting engaged.

I believe with all of my heart that if you have the time and finances to invest in premarital counseling you really should (considering the avg. wedding in Nashville costs $20,000 and 8 sessions of counseling ends up being $210 I’d like to think finances isn’t an issue for most). There are so many things to consider and talk about before you get married  and premarital counseling is a great way to have those conversations.

That said, I know and respect that some couples want to invest in their marriage, yet don’t have the time or money to do so right now. And that’s where the Bound Together Workshops come in.

Bound Together is a premarital education workshop where you’ll look at and learn to work with your personality and love language differences. You’ll learn how to avoid typical newlywed problems regarding sex and finances. We’ll also practice communication and conflict resolution skills that will help you feel closer and more in love (as if that’s possible, right?).

Now that you’re all kinds of psyched about going to the Bound Together workshop (or premarital counseling!) here are the details about the event -

Dates for 2010

March 12 & 13
June 11 &12
September 17 & 18
November 19 & 20

Location

StudioWed Nashville at 1200 Villa Place, Apt. 402, Nashville, TN 37212

Time

Each event starts on Friday night from 6pm to 8pm. We’ll wrap it up on Saturday from 9am to  12pm.

Fee

$100/couple

Who can attend

Any couple that is engaged or thinking about getting engaged. This is also great for newlyweds who wish they’d gotten premarital prep, but didn’t.

Participation will satisfy requirements for you Certificate of Completion of Premarital Education for you TN marriage license. And what I mean is that you get a $60 discount on your marriage license. Yes, saving your marriage AND your budget.

We’ve all witnessed it. The husband who gets ridiculed by his wife in public for having a low paying job. The girlfriend who won’t let her boyfriend play poker with the guys. Jon and Kate in all those episodes where she berates him for not wiping the kids’ noses correctly AND HE JUST TAKES IT.

It’s every guy’s worst fear. That getting married, or settling down with one woman, will mean that his proverbial balls will end up in the proverbial jar.

And sometimes us ladies want it that way. We crave control and sometimes we do that by emasculating the men in our lives. Well, I’m here to give you 5 reasons to put the jar (and the knife) away…

5 Reasons to Keep His Balls OUT of The Jar:

1. It’s not attractive. Look at Jon up there with the sulking shoulders and angry eyes. Guys are not attractive when their spirit has been trampled on. No matter what your guy looks like, he will always be a million times more attractive when he’s enjoying life and feeling supported and affirmed by your relationship.
2. We wouldn’t put up with it. Seriously, how many girls would put up with a guy telling them they had to scrap their monthly book club meeting because he wanted her to watch him play World of Warcraft? Not many. We’d call him a control freak and roll our eyes. If he can’t do it to you, then why should you do it to him?
3. They have feelings, too. I know this is a shocker, but guys have feelings too. And it hurts him when you make fun of him for being a slob or having weird taste in music. Just because he doesn’t burst into tears every time you make a jab doesn’t mean he isn’t crying on the inside. Yes, I’m serious.
4. He isn’t a girl. He’s never going to really enjoy jeans shopping or dissecting the latest Lindsay Lohan gossip with you. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that you guys are doomed because you don’t share common interests. No, it just means you’re with a dude and dudes are more interested in things that blow up and UFC fighting. It’s just the way we were made. Instead of trying to get your man to enjoy girl things, why don’t you cultivate your relationship with your girlfriends?
5. You’ll trust him more and he’ll love you more. Whenever you take away your man’s right to be, well, a man you’re also eating away at the trust you have in the relationship. How can you know he really loves you if you basically forced him to be sweet/spend time with you, right? Not only that, but a man who has ownership of his balls is immensely more loving towards his woman because he knows that he’s doing so on his own terms, not because he’s been whipped. Men despise that whipped feeling.

Here’s a test to help you determine whether you are “marriage material”:

You are on the toilet. You are about to “finish up”. An empty roll of toilet paper is staring back at you. You (choose one):

• Cry. Why is this happening to me? Is there no God?
• Get mad. Why didn’t the last person fix this? When are people going to learn some freakin’ bathroom etiquette?
• Waddle. Waddle to wherever more toilet paper is and get on with life.

Waddlers, congratulations! You’re ready for marriage! One of the most important skills for a successful partnership, like marriage, is being solution-oriented rather than blame-oriented when life happens. You’re first response to conflict is “What can I do to make this situation better?” not “Who can I blame so that I don’t have to be responsible?“. This is awesome and you’re going to be an awesome spouse.

Too many people are in unhappy marriages and relationships and aren’t taking any responsibility for the unhappiness. They’re just sitting there on the proverbial toilet crying, angry and ’soiled’. When unhappy couples finally come to counseling do you know what their goals are? For the therapist to change their partner. Because they didn’t contribute to any of their problems. Baloney.

Here are some steps you can take today to become personally accountable in your relationship:

1. Identify a problem in your relationship.
2. Identify how YOU contribute to the problem (other than abusive situations, there is some way that you’re contributing to this problem).
3. Do something to correct your portion of the problem.
4. Do something regardless of what your spouse is doing/not doing. 
5. Pick up a copy of John Miller’s QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: Practicing Personal Accountability at Work and in Life a GREAT book on personal accountability. Read it together.

Start taking responsibility today.

I can’t remember where I first saw this video, but I do remember crying. Because OMG is there anything sweeter than a dog so happy to see her daddy back from Afghanistan? I think not.

After I got done crying I started thinking about how happy this dog was to see her owner. How odd that really is. Someone that you trust and depend on steps out of your life for 6 months without nary an email and when he comes back you’re rolling over onto your back so he can scratch your belly? Preposterous.

But in a dog’s world it makes sense. It makes sense because dogs love in an extraordinary way. In a way that puts us humans to shame. Because dogs are able to give the people in their lives the benefit of the doubt. The soldier was gone for months and this dog could have assumed that he had found a new best friend or that he had forgotten about her or that he had run out on her. It would have been easy to make those assumptions and to have then punished her human master accordingly.

But she didn’t. Instead she gave him the benefit of the doubt and unleashed months of pent up love on his butt. And it was awesome in all its tear-inducing glory.

Who in your life do you need to give the benefit of the doubt to?

Inspiration boards. They’re like the most important part of the wedding planning process, particularly for social media savvy brides.

Inspiration boards allow a couple to create a visual focal point for their wedding day. And they’re pretty. Brides like pretty.

These boards can be much more than just pretty pictures. These inspiration boards can be the key to keeping your sanity.

There are two types of brides: Maximizers and Satisficers.

Maximizers are the perfectionist brides who find it extremely difficult to make a final decision. These brides are bogged down wondering if they’re getting the best value or getting the exact detail that they desire. Because they are constantly wondering if they’ve made the best decision they often feel unsure about the choices they’ve made.

Satisficers, on the other hand, have already decided what is important to them and what it will take to satisfy their wedding needs. When they see a bouquet that is the right size & price or a bridesmaid’s dress in the correct shade of lilac they have no problem making a decision or purchase because these brides are confident that their needs are being met.

The satisficer brides are often the happy ones. Confidence and knowing what you want will do that for you.

Inspiration boards (and a great wedding planner) help you clearly define what you want out and allow you to know it when you see it.

1. Eat at a strange restaurant

   Life is going to throw you many curve balls and many things will not go as expected. You’re not always going to feel comfortable and you’re not always going to know what to do. Eating at a strange restaurant is a great way to find out how you and your partner handle unfamiliar situations. Are either of you frustrated by not knowing where to sit? Is it easy to go with the flow when you realize the entire menu is in Vietnamese?

2. Visit the each others’ hometowns

   Where you come from is important information to share with your partner. Understanding your partner’s past means you’re better prepared for your future as a couple. As your partner gives you a tour of his or her hometown find out what type of child he was and ask about her favorite memories. Discovering who your partner was can give you clues to who they will become.

3. Learn something new

   Marriage is just as much about committing to growth as it is committing to each other. The person you stand before on your wedding day is not the same person you will celebrate your 50th anniversary with. That person will be older, wiser, and have had millions of new experiences. You’re going to grow and change and one of the challenges of marriage is to grow and change together. Take a class together, cooking, salsa, painting, hockey, and begin setting a foundation of a relationship nourished by growing together.

4. Visit a place of worship that neither of you belong to

   I don’t know why, but for some couples it’s hard to have open honest discussions about religious beliefs. Most young people aren’t particularly religious and find it hard to believe that they will ever care about where they will worship. However, once people start having kids and dealing with various crises the question of religion often comes into play and leaves many couples caught off guard. Attend a worship service that is unfamiliar to both of you and spend the afternoon discussing your thoughts about what you experienced. Making it a worship service neither of you are attached to makes it more likely that your conversation will be more honest.

5. Take pictures with Santa Claus

   The holiday season is notoriously stressful. One of the best ways to handle stress is by laughing and being silly. Taking pictures with Santa Claus is a sure way to practice being silly in the midst of stress, a marriage skill we could all develop better.