She Got It from Her Momma
My Hubby: Why is the ketchup in the refrigerator?
Me: Um, because that’s where it goes?
My Hubby: Oh…
It wasn’t until I got married that I realized that not everyone puts ketchup in the refrigerator. Honestly? I had never even thought about where the ketchup was located until it was pointed out I may be wrong and/or weird.
That’s the funny thing about growing up in a family. We all think we’re doing it the right/normal way. If you grew up with a single parent you think it’s normal to come home to an empty house after school. If you grew up with 5 siblings you think it’s normal to shout so that someone, anyone, would hear you. If you grew up with a little Asian woman as a mom with a propensity to refrigerate things you think it’s normal to put ketchup in the refrigerator. The environment we grow up in defines normal.
And then we enter a relationship, like marriage, and learn that all our ideas about normal aren’t always so… normal.
The single parent kid marries a kid from the Brady Bunch who thinks normal is being around others all. the. time. Whose idea of normal wins there?
The one with 5 siblings starts living with someone whose family only yelled when they were upset. Who gets to decide what shouting normally means?
The one who puts ketchup in the refrigerator marries a ketchup in the pantry kind of guy. Where do the groceries normally go now?
The hardest part of the first couple of years of marriage is redefining normal. The problems come when one or both sides decide they can’t let go of their idea of normal. Even bigger problems come when what is considered normal is actually harmful (emotional and/or physical abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, etc).
In the third session of premarital counseling we look at the families both of you come from. We probably won’t talk about how you store your condiments but we will talk about topics like how your family handled conflict or how you knew you were loved. Getting to know each other on this level can help ease future tension about what is, or isn’t, normal.