My husband and I had a pretty heated argument a few weeks ago. In the midst of it my husband stayed relatively calm and collected which only seemed to infuriate me. I wanted him to react, I wanted him to understand how badly I had been hurt. I did the only thing I felt I knew how to do at the time…
I went for the jugular. I said something that I knew, without a doubt, would hurt him.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t helpful. It was not loving. But I did it anyways because I quit thinking about our bond and about the man I loved and had promised to take care of, and instead all I cared about was feeling better and having my point heard.
I waited for him to retaliate. I waited for him to throw a blow that would equal mine, but he didn’t. He simply said that he knew I was hurting and that he was sorry.
Once I calmed down I asked him why he has never, in the two years we’ve been married, retaliated when I’ve been mean and he said, “On our wedding day I promised to love you and take care of you. That promise doesn’t go away just because you’re being mean.”
Touche, my friend, touche. And thank you.
What are some vows you’ve made that you’re finding difficult to keep?
Here in Nashville we’re being told to conserve water because the floods have taken out one of our water treatment facilities.
(btw, this poster is a great way to show support for Nashville…get yours here)
The first couple of days of the mandated water conservation were kind of a, well, bust. We heard that we should cut our water intake by half but I’m guessing most of us just thought the mayor was talking to… someone else?
At one point our water reserves dipped below 50% which had the city begging us to take them seriously. Cut your water usage, they pleaded.
And Nashville listened.
A week later our reserves have doubled to 88% (keep taking short showers and no car washes quite yet), and I have to say that I’m quite impressed with my fellow Nashvillians. I mean, that was pretty fast and I didn’t hear even a whisper of a complaint.
I’ve been wondering if we will be able to keep it up. If we’d find that it isn’t that unbearable to take 2 minute showers instead of 15 minute ones. Or staying committed long after the flood of 2010 to catching our unused water rather than letting it run down the drain. Would it be possible for this horrible event to produce more water conscious Nashvillians?
And then I started thinking crazy thoughts…
How did we go from halfheartedly listening to becoming water conserving ninjas? More importantly, how could we use the same process to cut down on the criticism, negativity, defensiveness or contempt in a relationship?
Identify the Crisis
Most change happens in response to a crisis. Running out of clean water would have been a pretty big deal and we would have felt the effects immediately. We wanted to avoid that so we turned the faucets off.
What will happen if the criticism and negativity continues in your relationship? Recognizing how your relationship can be affected (breaking up, divorce, being miserable) can be easy motivation to change your behavior.
Define the Desired Behavior
Sam Davidson wrote a great article about what half your water usage actually looked like. It was hard to know whether you were doing a good job cutting back on water when you weren’t really sure how much water you normally used. When people made concrete suggestions (take Navy showers, don’t flush every time someone peed, or hold off on washing clothes for a while) it made it a lot easier to conserve.
You have probably paid the same level of attention to the amount of negativity in your relationship as the amount of water you use while brushing your teeth. Both go relatively unnoticed. Once you start paying attention to where most of the negativity occurs (being annoyed when you walk in from work, grumpiness due to hunger) you’ll be able to decide on concrete behaviors that will make a difference.
Supportive Community Soon after the flood a rumor started that Metro Nashville would be cutting off water. This rumor caused some people to get scared and fill bath tubs up with water which further drained Nashville’s reserves. It could have easily been a disaster if everyone operated out of this fear because then there really would have been no water. Instead of depleting our water reserves, we calmed down and made jokes about being stinky together.
It’s always easier to change a behavior when we have the support of a group making the same change. Surround yourself with a community that values relationships and wants to curb the criticism, too.
Become a criticism conservation ninja. Today.
John Gottman is an amazing marriage therapist who has observed that we can’t stop fights from happening. We’re going to screw up, make each other mad, and hurt one another on occasion. That’s pretty much unavoidable. It’s what happens after the hurts that matter.
Because you know that proverb that says failure is not falling down, but refusing to get back up? Yeah, that proverb was made for marriage and relationships. The problem isn’t that you guys hurt each other, it’s that you hurt each other and don’t take the time to put band-aids on the wounds. More importantly, most of us don’t know what a band-aid for a relationship wound even means.
Let me introduce a few pieces we all need in our emotional first aid kit:
Humor
Good-natured humor can go a long way in healing wounds in the middle of a fight. A goofy smile or laughing at yourself is an easy way to give your relationship a positivity boost in the middle of a stressful situation. Smiles and laughter will relax both of you and change your perspective from enemy to friendship.
Questions
A great networking tip is to ask people to tell you about themselves. It gets you guys talking, makes the other person feel cared about/interesting, and makes you look like a generous person. In a fight, a big problem is that you’re both talking about your own thoughts/feelings/perspectives and there simply isn’t a whole lot of interest in what your partner thinks or feels. Asking your partner a question about their experience or thoughts after a fight is a wonderful way to send the message that you care.
Touch
I’m not suggesting you go for something intimate here, like a boob grab. No, no. Rubbing her shoulders or stroking his knee while having a stressful conversation, however, can soothe both of you physiologically and mentally. It’s a wonderful reminder to both of you that, “Yes, disagreeing sucks, and I still love you.”
What are some tools in your relationship tool box? Are you guys good at reconnecting after a fight? What are some behaviors you can change that will help make the repair easier/better?
I love Kendra Wilkinson. Absolutely adore her. She’s just so stinkin’ likable, ya know?
I’m also loving how honest Season 2 has started. The frustration of having a kid immediately after getting married. The body issues. The desire for romance. I’m also loving Hank Baskett. He should look into teaching a class on how to be a husband because he’s quite good.
Ok, I’ll end my love fest now, and let’s talk about this scene:
I love that they were able to capture this exchange on camera.
At 1:14, we get to see Kendra’s expression change as she is flooded with feelings of insecurity, sadness, hurt and anger.
Next, at 1:34, we get to watch Hank’s expression change from “I’m such a lucky guy” to “oh, crap, I’m in trouble and I have no clue why!”.
I love that they caught this on tape because I’m pretty sure that every relationship on the face of the planet has experienced this same scenario at one time or another.
These are fights that start simply because the wind seemed to blow the wrong way. For Kendra and Hank, I still can’t tell what set her off, maybe he spoke too sweetly to one of her friends. I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter the trigger, her feelings were hurt.
So Kendra feels insecure and hurt. She immediately withdraws from Hank by pulling her hand away and the emotional temperature in the car got much cooler, I’m sure.
You can’t avoid this most of the time. People’s feelings get hurt for random reasons, it’s life. How we handle these mood changes is the key.
It would be easy, and logical even, for Hank to become defensive (“I didn’t do anything, Kendra!”) or try to point how she was being irrational (“You’re just being moody and seeing things.”)
Instead, Hank starts asking questions (“What did I do?”). More than likely he isn’t going to get an answer, but he is setting an important tone. He’s saying that he’s open to hear what’s going on, and that he hasn’t closed the door. And as backwards as it may seem, Kendra pulling away from Hank was a bid for reassurance about their relationship, it’s her sign to him that she needs to know she’s number one. Hank opening himself to her with questions lets her know their connection is still intact and that he cares.
That’s where this scene ends, but as the show goes on Kendra cries to Hank that she doesn’t feel pretty and that it’s hard to be around her friends right now. Beautiful use of “I-statements”, Kendra, beautiful. Her ability to recognize and own her feelings about the changes her body has gone through makes it so much easier for Hank to step in and voice his opinion on the topic. If she had started the conversation accusing Hank of doing a crappy job of telling her she was beautiful or being too nice to her friends there would be no emotional way for Hank to be emotionally available to Kendra because he’d be to busy defending himself against her attacks.
Hank has the freedom to reassure Kendra that she is the most beautiful woman in the world and he doesn’t want to be with anyone else in the world. This interaction? A success. A bond affirming success.
Points to remember:
1) Don’t be afraid or think anything is “wrong” when the emotional climate in your relationship suddenly changes. It’s normal.
2) When the climate changes do everything you can to keep the defensive walls down and instead choose to ask questions about the feelings.
3) When it’s your feelings that have gone sour take some time to identify what the feelings really are (loneliness, abandonment, insecurity are some big ones) and share this with your spouse.
4) After hearing the feelings that are swirling around in this person you love’s head and heart let this person know you understand and ask how you can best help.
5) Your bond will be enhanced and you’ll feel closer.
This is a guest post from Omari Whyte, a financial representative from Innovative Financial Group. He’ll be providing us with great, thought-provoking advice when it comes to premarital finances for the next month or so. Not only will he be showing up on the blog, but his expertise (and humor) will be on display at the Bound Together Workshops.
If you have even seen Viva La Bam this is where I first saw the concept of “rope running.”
I see this time and time again but it is usually with married couples and it is in the form of communication. A lot of couples start out bound together in mind, body, and spirit. And when the preacher says “I do” they start running full speed in opposite directions.
A majority of the time it is not a conscious decision it’s due to a lack communication. No matter what your goals are it is much easier to succeed if you are going in the same direction.
Take the time to talk with your partner about your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Guys that might mean missing a football game or two and ladies that might mean missing Project Runway.
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Omari Whyte is a Financial Representative with Innovative Financial He has a passion for educating and empowering young people and entrepreneurs. He is focused on building long-term relationships with his clients. By building long term relationship he is able to put together solutions that change as life changes.
Peyton Manning is, in my opinion, the best thing to ever happen to football. He’s amazing. And his amazing-ness was almost reflected in a perfect season this year.
Yes, for those of you that don’t keep up with the magical world of the NFL, the Colts almost had a perfect season this year. They lost their 15th game to the Jets after deciding to rest their starters rather than risk injury.
I’m not going to lie. I was sad. Sad that Peyton and the Colts were so close to tasting the special sauce that is an undefeated season and that they let the dream slip by without being able to truly find out if they could have done it. Because once you go 14 games without losing fans start dreaming The Dream. The dream of joining the ’72 Dolphins in perfect season history. The dream of laughing loudly in Bill Bellichick’s face. I mean…
Like I said, there was sadness because the dream of perfection was gone. The dreams of the Super Bowl, however, were not even close to gone, but perfection? Yes, perfection was dead.
And I think that same sadness happens after your first real fight as a married couple. I’m not talking about that silly fight about who loves each other more. No, I’m talking about real fights.
That fight about finding pornography on the computer.
That fight about how much money is being spent at Target.
That fight about over feeling unappreciated and just wanting to quit.
You know. The real fights.
Real fights happen and destroy any dreams we have of the perfect marriage where everyone gets breakfast in bed and has sex twice a day. Some of us have our first real fight and we’re ready to quit. We’ve lost the hope of the perfect marriage and give up. This phenomenon is why so many marriages end within the first 5 years, too many people expect perfect and then are confronted with reality and they don’t like it.
Have your first scary, “I don’t know if we’re going to make it” fight. It’ll be ok. It isn’t the end of your season. I promise.
*Go Colts.
*If the Saints should happen to win the Super Bowl I will be just as happy, though. I always appreciate history being made, and I heart “underdogs” (they aren’t REALLY underdogs. They had just as awesome of a season as the Colts).
The debacle that is happening for NBC and their late-night lineup has left many people wondering how the whole thing will play out. Is Jay getting his show back? Is Conan going to be Palin’s new sidekick on Fox? Will someone, please, figure out how to bring Johnny Carson back from the dead?
We soon realized that Jay would, essentially, be getting The Tonight Show back and many wondered how Conan would take the news. He could have been a diva. He could have claimed it wasn’t fair and hurled insults at NBC.
Except, he didn’t. Conan issued a response filled with respect, disappointment and integrity and The Internet fell even more in love with our favorite dorky, red-head.
After reading his statement about the loss of his show, here are 3 things teaches us about handling conflict with complete class:
Use of I-statements Conan is in conflict with NBC. In his statement, he uses the word “I” 23 times and “NBC” 5 times. It may not seem important, but this simple tactic(talking about yourself rather than the person you’re in conflict with) is an easy way to remove any trace of an attacking or aggressive stance towards the other person. By talking about his thoughts and feelings, rather than how NBC screwed up or are a bunch of idiots, makes you more open to listening and less defensive.
Focus on the problem at hand
You know how you have those fights that start because someone forgot to put the milk back in the fridge and end as a walk down Memories That Make Me Hate You Lane? Conan had every reason in the world to let NBC know how much they suck. He could have pointed out every way that he has been wronged in the past decade or so. He could have, but he didn’t. Instead he focused solely on the problem at hand, the destruction of The Tonight Show brand and his desire not to participate. Focusing on one problem at a time decreases confusion and, again, helps all parties feel safe and not attacked.
Touch of humor
Conan ends his statement with,
“I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.”
This may not make you bust a gut with laughter, but it probably made you smile. Sometimes in a conflict we take ourselves and the fight way too seriously. More than likely whatever you two are fighting about isn’t life or death. A lighthearted, slightly self deprecating, joke is always a wonderful way to ease the tension of an argument. It’s also a great way to inject a little positivity into the conversation while still trying to find a solution.
So maybe Conan lost his job as a comedian, but maybe he could try teaching a conflict resolution workshop or two.
I know that some of you are in relationships that feel like this plant right now.
Your relationship is dry. Unhealthy. Malnourished. Frail. Dying.
You’re ready to give up. You want to quit.
I don’t know you or your situation so I can’t really give any advice. What I can tell you is that the plant’s dry, dead, brittle look isn’t always for forever. Sometimes this is just the season in the plant’s life. The season right before the plant turns green and its flowers bloom.
Maybe your relationship isn’t dead. Maybe it’s just in the season right before it blooms.
In the past wedding planning has typically been left up to the bride. It was HER day and the groom should just try his best to show up on time.
That’s no longer the case. Modern couples are now working together to create weddings that showcase the styles and preferences of both the bride AND the groom. (Check out some great examples of couples creating unique wedding experiences TOGETHER at Ashley’s Bride Guide here, here and here.)
One area where your wedding planning will set a foundation for married life is how you deal with wedding finances. Most couples find themselves financing some, if not all, of the wedding costs. More than likely, the wedding will be your first time making financial decisions as a couple that are bigger than deciding who is going to tip the pizza guy.
Use the process of planning a wedding to begin building these healthy financial habits:
Discuss Spending & Saving Habits-
When you’re dealing with thousands of dollars and the beginning of a life together the inevitable question emerges: Should we spend this on a wedding or put a downpayment on a house?
How each of you answers this question could be a good indicator of which end of the spectrum you are on, spender or saver. Most couples are made up of two people who balance each other out financially, one spends a little more and the other saves a little more. Often couples don’t find out who is who until they’ve been married a year and are frustrated with how the finances are being handled (or mishandled).
As you plan your wedding take the time to evaluate you and your fiance’s attitudes towards money. Is money meant to be saved in case of a rainy day? Should all superfluous items and activities be avoided no matter what? Or is money meant to be enjoyed and used? Do you believe whole-heartedly in the religion of Immediate Gratification?
Discussing how to use your wedding budget is a great way to see what types of habits each of you bring to the relationship and how they will mesh after the ceremony.
Ability to Handle Conflict -
More than likely money is going to be a limited resource in your marriage (unless your Ivanka Trump Kushner). Limited resources almost always lead to conflict. I don’t care about how in love you are, there will be financial conflict in your marriage.
This conflict is going to be seen in many ways as you plan your wedding. There will be conflict over how to spend the money. There will be conflict over how much to spend on various aspects of the wedding day. There will be conflict over who is paying for what and how much various family members will contribute. There will be conflict over what you want and what you can actually afford. The list of conflict will go on forever when it comes to money.
How are you going to handle it?
Will you go bridezilla on everyone until you get what you want (i.e. be a bully)? Will you stay quiet, convincing yourself that you didn’t REALLY want that amazing designer gown that your fiance said was a waste of money (i.e. become indifferent)? Will you go along with everyone else’s plan and quietly build up resentment (i.e. become bitter)? Or will you figure out a way to address each conflict with maturity and the attitude that there can be two winners no matter the situation?
Establishing a wedding budget TOGETHER will be one of the best things you can do while planning. It will keep you focused and feeling empowered during the entire process. It is easy for events like a wedding to take on a life of its own. Budgets let you decide how big the wedding is allowed to get.
The best part of a budget, in my opinion, is that it gives you and your fiance a common punching bag when the conflict over money gets heated. Instead of being upset at your fiance because you can only spend $2,000 on a photography package you can be upset at the budget. Too often couples begin to demonize each other instead of the problem when times get hard. Budgets allow you two to begin practicing the art of staying on the same team and externalizing the problems you face.
What have/did you learn about your partner while planning your wedding? How do you handle financial conflict in your relationship?
Ok. So the video is kind of weird. But I can’t listen to this song without thinking how true this is for some couples. We scream, yell and torture our partners all because deep down underneath it all we’re terrified of being left alone and somewhere along the way we learned that all this pain meant love.
My favorite lines are: Can’t you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don’t mean it
I mean it, I promise
Not only do I love this song and its spot on description of some types of relationships I love that there is a book that tells you how to get past all the unnecessary nastiness. That’s right. There’s a way to fix a relationship that resembles the movie Misery.
If you can in any way see your relationship in this song I would highly suggest reading Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. No one gets to the heart of relationship problems the way Dr. Sue Johnson does. No. one.
*That link is an affiliate link. Just so you know.
Omari Whyte is a Financial Representative with Innovative Financial He has a passion for educating and empowering young people and entrepreneurs. He is focused on building long-term relationships with his clients. By building long term relationship he is able to put together solutions that change as life changes.
. No one gets to the heart of relationship problems the way Dr. Sue Johnson does. No. one.