Nashville Marriage Studio

John Gottman is an amazing marriage therapist who has observed that we can’t stop fights from happening. We’re going to screw up, make each other mad, and hurt one another on occasion. That’s pretty much unavoidable. It’s what happens after the hurts that matter.

Because you know that proverb that says failure is not falling down, but refusing to get back up? Yeah, that proverb was made for marriage and relationships. The problem isn’t that you guys hurt each other, it’s that you hurt each other and don’t take the time to put band-aids on the wounds. More importantly, most of us don’t know what a band-aid for a relationship wound even means.

Let me introduce a few pieces we all  need in our emotional first aid kit:

Humor
Good-natured humor can go a long way in healing wounds in the middle of a fight. A goofy smile or laughing at yourself is an easy way to give your relationship a positivity boost in the middle of a stressful situation. Smiles and laughter will relax both of you and change your perspective from enemy to friendship.

Questions
A great networking tip is to ask people to tell you about themselves. It gets you guys talking, makes the other person feel cared about/interesting, and makes you look like a generous person. In a fight, a big problem is that you’re both talking about your own thoughts/feelings/perspectives and there simply isn’t a whole lot of interest in what your partner thinks or feels. Asking your partner a question about their experience or thoughts after a fight is a wonderful way to send the message that you care.

Touch
I’m not suggesting you go for something intimate here, like a boob grab. No, no. Rubbing her shoulders or stroking his knee while having a stressful conversation, however, can soothe both of you physiologically and mentally. It’s a wonderful reminder to both of you that, “Yes, disagreeing sucks, and I still love you.”

What are some tools in your relationship tool box? Are you guys good at reconnecting after a fight? What are some behaviors you can change that will help make the repair easier/better?

This is a guest post from Omari Whyte, a financial representative from Innovative Financial Group. He’ll be providing us with great, thought-provoking advice when it comes to premarital finances for the next month or so. Not only will he be showing up on the blog, but his expertise (and humor) will be on display at the Bound Together Workshops.

I usually ask people to close their eyes and imagine the following. But with our current media of communication that is difficult. So read the following question and imagine:

Your are 65 and retired.
What are you wearing?
How do you spend your days? Nights?
What are you spending your money on?
Where are you spending your time?
Who are you spending your time with?

Now that you have a good idea of what your retirement is going to look like, are you sure that it is the same vision your spouse has for retirement? So many times couples never take the time to talk about what their retirement goals are. Being on the same page makes all the difference.

A good question to start with when deciding on your retirement goals is:

Do we retire because of health or wealth?
Most people in America retire because they simply can not work anymore. However, if you start early enough and plan you can retire because of the latter.

What do we plan to do with your money?
Pass it on- J.P. Morgan
Donate it- Bill Gates
Not have any- Most Americans

Most people have pretty conservative goals when it comes to retirement, however, not having a plan is what makes it so hard to accomplish.

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This is a guest post from Omari Whyte, a financial representative from Innovative Financial Group. He’ll be providing us with great, thought-provoking advice when it comes to premarital finances for the next month or so. Not only will he be showing up on the blog, but his expertise (and humor) will be on display at the Bound Together Workshops.

This is a guest post from Omari Whyte, a financial representative from Innovative Financial Group. He’ll be providing us with great, thought-provoking advice when it comes to premarital finances for the next month or so. Not only will he be showing up on the blog, but his expertise (and humor) will be on display at the Bound Together Workshops.

I’m always amazed by these reality shows like the Bachelor. They spent a lot of time on these shows claiming to get to know the person. They go on these fantastic dates and have these “deep” conversations, however they all seem to end the same. They get back to the real world and realize that there was something they didn’t know about their love one. Like they have 8 kids or works as a “special” dancer.

It seems to me that they never take the time to ask the hard questions. There are a few questions that I think every couple should ask when it comes to debt.

What is on your credit report?
www.annualcreditreport.com You can go here to find out what is on you credit report.

How much debt do we currently have?
The average college student comes out of school with 20k in student loans and 1k-3k in credit card debt. Then the first thing they do is buy a car and get married. Its important to know where both of you are. The worst thing is to find out 6 months into the marriage that your spouse is 20k in debt.

What are we going to do with the debt we have?
There are three things you can do with it many people chose the last thing:
Pay it off before we get married
Pay it off together
Leave it

Will we use credit cards?
People who use credit cards fall into one of three categories. The Good, Bad, and the Ugly.
Some people are disciplined enough to pay off their cards every month and never have a balance (The Good)
Some people carry only a small balance but only pay the minimum (The Bad)
And the majority of American are out of control with credit card debt (The Ugly)
Whether you use them or not is up to you but you should talk about it.

Will we borrow and/or loan money?
Nothing is worst than having a spouse that is always loaning money to family members.

Whatever you decide on with these questions isn’t as important as just having the conversation. Opening up a line of communication is important to financial success.

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Omari Whyte is a Financial Representative with Innovative Financial He has a passion for educating and empowering young people and entrepreneurs.  He is focused on building long-term relationships with his clients.  By building long term relationship he is able to put together solutions that change as life changes.

You can reach Omari through email (owhyte@askifg.com) or Twitter (@whytefr). Also, be sure to check out his blog!

Confession time.

I love Kendra Wilkinson. Absolutely adore her. She’s just so stinkin’ likable, ya know?

I’m also loving how honest Season 2 has started. The frustration of having a kid immediately after getting married. The body issues. The desire for romance. I’m also loving Hank Baskett. He should look into teaching a class on how to be a husband because he’s quite good.

Ok, I’ll end my love fest now, and let’s talk about this scene:

I love that they were able to capture this exchange on camera.

At 1:14, we get to see Kendra’s expression change as she is flooded with feelings of insecurity, sadness, hurt and anger.

Next, at 1:34, we get to watch Hank’s expression change from “I’m such a lucky guy” to “oh, crap, I’m in trouble and I have no clue why!”.

I love that they caught this on tape because I’m pretty sure that every relationship on the face of the planet has experienced this same scenario at one time or another.

These are fights that start simply because the wind seemed to blow the wrong way. For Kendra and Hank, I still can’t tell what set her off, maybe he spoke too sweetly to one of her friends. I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter the trigger, her feelings were hurt.

So Kendra feels insecure and hurt. She immediately withdraws from Hank by pulling her hand away and the emotional temperature in the car got much cooler, I’m sure.

You can’t avoid this most of the time. People’s feelings get hurt for random reasons, it’s life. How we handle these mood changes is the key.

It would be easy, and logical even, for Hank to become defensive (“I didn’t do anything, Kendra!”) or try to point how she was being irrational (“You’re just being moody and seeing things.”)

Instead, Hank starts asking questions (“What did I do?”). More than likely he isn’t going to get an answer, but he is setting an important tone. He’s saying that he’s open to hear what’s going on, and that he hasn’t closed the door. And as backwards as it may seem, Kendra pulling away from Hank was a bid for reassurance about their relationship, it’s her sign to him that she needs to know she’s number one. Hank opening himself to her with questions lets her know their connection is still intact and that he cares.

That’s where this scene ends, but as the show goes on Kendra cries to Hank that she doesn’t feel pretty and that it’s hard to be around her friends right now.  Beautiful use of “I-statements”, Kendra, beautiful. Her ability to recognize and own her feelings about the changes her body has gone through makes it so much easier for Hank to step in and voice his opinion on the topic. If she had started the conversation accusing Hank of doing a crappy job of telling her she was beautiful or being too nice to her friends there would be no emotional way for Hank to be emotionally available to Kendra because he’d be to busy defending himself against her attacks.

Hank has the freedom to reassure Kendra that she is the most beautiful woman in the world and he doesn’t want to be with anyone else in the world. This interaction? A success. A bond affirming success.

Points to remember:
1) Don’t be afraid or think anything is “wrong” when the emotional climate in your relationship suddenly changes. It’s normal.
2) When the climate changes do everything you can to keep the defensive walls down and instead choose to ask questions about the feelings.
3) When it’s your feelings that have gone sour take some time to identify what the feelings really are (loneliness, abandonment, insecurity are some big ones) and share this with your spouse.
4) After hearing the feelings that are swirling around in this person you love’s head and heart let this person know you understand and ask how you can best help.
5) Your bond will be enhanced and you’ll feel closer.

This is a guest post from Omari Whyte, a financial representative from Innovative Financial Group. He’ll be providing us with great, thought-provoking advice when it comes to premarital finances for the next month or so. Not only will he be showing up on the blog, but his expertise (and humor) will be on display at the Bound Together Workshops.

If you have even seen Viva La Bam this is where I first saw the concept of “rope running.”

I see this time and time again but it is usually with married couples and it is in the form of communication. A lot of couples start out bound together in mind, body, and spirit. And when the preacher says “I do” they start running full speed in opposite directions.

A majority of the time it is not a conscious decision it’s due to a lack communication. No matter what your goals are it is much easier to succeed if you are going in the same direction.

Take the time to talk with your partner about your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Guys that might mean missing a football game or two and ladies that might mean missing Project Runway.

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Omari Whyte is a Financial Representative with Innovative Financial He has a passion for educating and empowering young people and entrepreneurs.  He is focused on building long-term relationships with his clients.  By building long term relationship he is able to put together solutions that change as life changes.

You can reach Omari through email (owhyte@askifg.com) or Twitter (@whytefr). Also, be sure to check out his blog!

In the past wedding planning has typically been left up to the bride. It was HER day and the groom should just try his best to show up on time.

That’s no longer the case. Modern couples are now working together to create weddings that  showcase the styles and preferences of both the bride AND the groom. (Check out some great examples of couples creating unique wedding experiences TOGETHER at Ashley’s Bride Guide here, here and here.)

I love that couples are taking the time to design weddings that truly represent them, and would challenge them to use their wedding planning process to begin to build the skills necessary for a successful relationship.

One area where your wedding planning will set a foundation for married life is how you deal with wedding finances. Most couples find themselves financing some, if not all, of the wedding costs. More than likely, the wedding will be your first time making financial decisions as a couple that are bigger than deciding who is going to tip the pizza guy.

Use the process of planning a wedding to begin building these healthy financial habits:

Discuss Spending & Saving Habits- 

When you’re dealing with thousands of dollars and the beginning of a life together the inevitable question emerges: Should we spend this on a wedding or put a downpayment on a house?

How each of you answers this question could be a good indicator of which end of the spectrum you are on, spender or saver. Most couples are made up of two people who balance each other out financially, one spends a little more and the other saves a little more. Often couples don’t find out who is who until they’ve been married a year and are frustrated with how the finances are being handled (or mishandled).

As you plan your wedding take the time to evaluate you and your fiance’s attitudes towards money. Is money meant to be saved in case of a rainy day? Should all superfluous items and activities be avoided no matter what? Or is money meant to be enjoyed and used? Do you believe whole-heartedly in the religion of Immediate Gratification?

Discussing how to use your wedding budget is a great way to see what types of habits each of you bring to the relationship and how they will mesh after the ceremony.

Ability to Handle Conflict -

More than likely money is going to be a limited resource in your marriage (unless your Ivanka Trump Kushner). Limited resources almost always lead to conflict. I don’t care about how in love you are, there will be financial conflict in your marriage.

This conflict is going to be seen in many ways as you plan your wedding. There will be conflict over how to spend the money. There will be conflict over how much to spend on various aspects of the wedding day. There will be conflict over who is paying for what and how much various family members will contribute. There will be conflict over what you want and what you can actually afford. The list of conflict will go on forever when it comes to money.

How are you going to handle it?

Will you go bridezilla on everyone until you get what you want (i.e. be a bully)? Will you stay quiet, convincing yourself that you didn’t REALLY want that amazing designer gown that your fiance said was a waste of money (i.e. become indifferent)? Will you go along with everyone else’s plan and quietly build up resentment (i.e. become bitter)? Or will you figure out a way to address each conflict with maturity and the attitude that there can be two winners no matter the situation?

How you two handle conflict before the wedding will probably be the way you handle conflict after the wedding, how satisfied are you with your conflict resolution skills? Are you happy with these habits being carried into your future together? The habits you develop in this area of your relationship will prove to be the deciding factor in whether you make it or not.

Establishing a Budget-

Establishing a wedding budget TOGETHER will be one of the best things you can do while planning. It will keep you focused and feeling empowered during the entire process. It is easy for events like a wedding to take on a life of its own. Budgets let you decide how big the wedding is allowed to get.

The best part of a budget, in my opinion, is that it gives you and your fiance a common punching bag when the conflict over money gets heated. Instead of being upset at your fiance because you can only spend $2,000 on a photography package you can be upset at the budget. Too often couples begin to demonize each other instead of the problem when times get hard. Budgets allow you two to begin practicing the art of  staying on the same team and externalizing the problems you face.

What have/did you learn about your partner while planning your wedding? How do you handle financial conflict in your relationship?

Halloween is my least favorite holiday.

Dressing your toddlers up like cows and puppy dogs is awesome. And I like the candy. But everything else pretty much bites. I hate scary movies and haunted houses. Heck, I can’t even listen to the radio commercials for haunted houses because I will pee my pants. Yes, I hate all things scary.

Well, tonight my husband thought it would be a good idea to watch Young Frankenstein since it’s Halloween and all. I reminded him I didn’t do scary, and he assured me this movie was more funny than scary. I like funny so I was down with the plan.

Young Frankenstein is now one of my favorite movies. It was great. Even better is that there’s a great relationship lesson hidden  in there, too. (Like I’d really use a post on here just to tell you about random movie reviews.)

So The Monster walks around grunting and scaring people. Standard monster stuff. At the end of the movie The Monster and Dr. Frankenstein do some sort of brain exchange thing. Now The Monster has some of Dr. Frankenstein’s intellect and he is able to explain a little about why he did what he did as a monster:

“I lived in hopes of meeting people who would..overlook my outward appearance and respect me…Do you understand what it means –never to see a kind or happy face? You could imagine then, perhaps, how such bitterness led me, at last, to the brink of another kind or life. I decided that if I couldn’t inspire love…which was my deepest hope…I would instead…cause fear.”
(source: God Among Directors)

If I couldn’t inspire love, I would instead cause fear.

Wow. The thing is that this isn’t true for just The Monster, it’s true for most any human.

We need to connect with others. Our lives depend on it. And we’ll do anything, even act like a monster, scaring everyone around us, to create that connection.

The problem for The Monster was that he couldn’t effectively communicate his need for love and acceptance. All he could do was grunt and walk around with extended arms. You, on the other hand, have the ability (and responsibility) to communicate your needs clearly to your partner. Opt out of using fear or anger for your connection needs.

Also, let’s opt out of scary silly holidays like Halloween. Who’s with me?

What shape is this?

Many of us would say ‘rectangle’ because, well, it’s close enough.  And our brains don’t do well with the ambiguous so we force things into ideas, images, and situations that we’re familiar with, whether they match or not.  So when you look at this collection of random lines, because that’s all it really is, you fill in the blanks until you can see the rectangle, a shape you recognize.

It’s our brain’s desire to “fill in the blanks” that can lead to some of the biggest problems in a relationship.  We get clues from our partner: a frown, a short answer, a quiet demeanor.  We take these clues and try to arrange them in a way that makes more sense. 

That frown obviously means her feelings have been hurt.

The quiet demeanor means that he’s ok with going to my parents’ house for dinner.  He’d say something if he wasn’t happy, right?

The problem with relying on clues to understand our partner is that sometimes we’re wrong.  Shocking.  I know.

That frown could be what she looks like when she’s thinking.  The short answer could be that he was distracted.  And that quiet demeanor could be that he’s thinking of the right way to say, “Eating at your parents’ house makes me want to die”.

This problem becomes even worse when we begin to operate as if we’re correct, without finding out for sure.  When we react to others as if we “know” what they’re thinking we are essentially trespassing into our Significant Others’ mind, and that’s not fair.  This trespassing, regardless of whether there is any intended malice, almost always triggers defensiveness and hostility. 

A simple way to stop yourself from filling in the blanks incorrectly is to ask questions.  Lots and lots of questions.

Mind readers.  It sounds so romantic, doesn’t it?

I mean, can you imagine a relationship with someone who knew everything you were thinking? 

Someone who could pick out the perfect birthday present without having to drop pesky hints.

Or know that you needed a hug or some physical lovin’ without you having to ask.

Or would apologize for hurting your feelings before you spent the evening pouting.

It sure would be great.

Unfortunately, the fantasy of finding your mind reader is just that, a fantasy.

We want to think that someone reading our mind is a sign of what a great match we are.  But a relationship that depends on someone reading your mind will not last.  Trust me.

Healthy, mature relationships that stand the test of time rely on honest and open communication.  Not mind reading.  And here’s why…

Communication is the only realistic way to let someone in

No one can ever know what you’re thinking except for you.  Your thoughts and feelings are private until you choose to let someone in.  Thinking you will ever find someone who “gets” you so well that you don’t ever have to talk is setting yourself up for disappointment.  Letting someone know how you feel is the only way to get into someone else’s head.

Communication is the best way to get what you want

Telling someone what you want is the best way to get what you want.  On the surface this seems like a pretty obvious statement, but so many couples, especially those chasing down the mind-reading fantasy, want their significant other to “just know”.  The longer you wait for someone to intuit what will make you happy, the longer you’re going to wait to be happy. 

Telling someone what you want accomplishes two things: 1)  You get exactly what you want which makes you feel great, and 2) you give someone precise directions on what you want which makes them feel good, too (everyone loves performing a job well-done).

Communication builds intimacy and trust

Do you know what telling someone what you want or how you’re feeling does?  It builds intimacy and it communicates trust.  We don’t let our guard down with everyone and we certainly don’t go around telling everyone our dreams and fears.  No, our inner world is only shared with those that we feel safe with.  Sharing your thoughts and feelings tells your significant other, “I feel safe with you and I trust you to accept all of me, my thoughts & feelings included”.  Knowing that this person accepts you, the good and bad, is what will get you through your hard times.

Mind reading is fine for average relationships, however, communication is what you’ll need for an amazing one.

There is something about a home with broken windows that screams, “You’re not safe here!”  Because how can you feel safe if anyone can enter at anytime they choose?  It’s near impossible.

Photo by Dan Tantrum

The same is true for our relationships.  Relationship boundaries, like windows and fences, allow us to feel safe.  Feeling safe in a relationship allows the couple’s bond to strengthen and grow. 

Put safety first in your relationships:

Speak for yourself
The only experience you can truly know and speak for is your own.  Telling your partner what he or she is thinking is a common way to violate a boundary.  Sentences that start with “You always…” or “You think…” should be avoided at all costs. 

Ask Questions
Instead of telling your partner what he or she is thinking why not ask?  Asking questions about your partner’s thoughts or feelings on a topic is like ringing the doorbell to their heart and asking to come in.  The courtesy will be much appreciated.

Encourage
Some of us grew up in homes where we did not feel safe emotionally or physically due to various types of abuse.  Our past has made it hard to feel safe anywhere.  If this is the case for your relationship make it a daily habit to remind each other that this relationship is a safe place.  Along with practicing healthy boundaries, the daily encouragement will help you two focus on the task of creating a safe place to love each other.

How do you practice safe loving in your relationship?  What parts of your relationship don’t allow you to feel very safe?