Nashville Marriage Studio

My Hubby: Why is the ketchup in the refrigerator?
Me: Um, because that’s where it goes?
My Hubby: Oh…

It wasn’t until I got married that I realized that not everyone puts ketchup in the refrigerator. Honestly? I had never even thought about where the ketchup was located until it was pointed out I may be wrong and/or weird.

That’s the funny thing about growing up in a family. We all think we’re doing it the right/normal way. If you grew up with a single parent you think it’s normal to come home to an empty house after school. If you grew up with 5 siblings you think it’s normal to shout so that someone, anyone, would hear you. If you grew up with a little Asian woman as a mom with a propensity to refrigerate things you think it’s normal to put ketchup in the refrigerator. The environment we grow up in defines normal.

And then we enter a relationship, like marriage, and learn that all our ideas about normal aren’t always so… normal.

The single parent kid marries a kid from the Brady Bunch who thinks normal is being around others all. the. time. Whose idea of normal wins there?

The one with 5 siblings starts living with someone whose family only yelled when they were upset. Who gets to decide what shouting normally means?

The one who puts ketchup in the refrigerator marries a ketchup in the pantry kind of guy. Where do the groceries normally go now?

The hardest part of the first couple of years of marriage is redefining normal. The problems come when one or both sides decide they can’t let go of their idea of normal. Even bigger problems come when what is considered normal is actually harmful (emotional and/or physical abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, etc).

In the third session of premarital counseling we look at the families both of you come from. We probably won’t talk about how you store your condiments but we will talk about topics like how your family handled conflict or how you knew you were loved. Getting to know each other on this level can help ease future tension about what is, or isn’t, normal.

This is a guest post from Omari Whyte, a financial representative from Innovative Financial Group. He’ll be providing us with great, thought-provoking advice when it comes to premarital finances for the next month or so. Not only will he be showing up on the blog, but his expertise (and humor) will be on display at the Bound Together Workshops.

I’m always amazed by these reality shows like the Bachelor. They spent a lot of time on these shows claiming to get to know the person. They go on these fantastic dates and have these “deep” conversations, however they all seem to end the same. They get back to the real world and realize that there was something they didn’t know about their love one. Like they have 8 kids or works as a “special” dancer.

It seems to me that they never take the time to ask the hard questions. There are a few questions that I think every couple should ask when it comes to debt.

What is on your credit report?
www.annualcreditreport.com You can go here to find out what is on you credit report.

How much debt do we currently have?
The average college student comes out of school with 20k in student loans and 1k-3k in credit card debt. Then the first thing they do is buy a car and get married. Its important to know where both of you are. The worst thing is to find out 6 months into the marriage that your spouse is 20k in debt.

What are we going to do with the debt we have?
There are three things you can do with it many people chose the last thing:
Pay it off before we get married
Pay it off together
Leave it

Will we use credit cards?
People who use credit cards fall into one of three categories. The Good, Bad, and the Ugly.
Some people are disciplined enough to pay off their cards every month and never have a balance (The Good)
Some people carry only a small balance but only pay the minimum (The Bad)
And the majority of American are out of control with credit card debt (The Ugly)
Whether you use them or not is up to you but you should talk about it.

Will we borrow and/or loan money?
Nothing is worst than having a spouse that is always loaning money to family members.

Whatever you decide on with these questions isn’t as important as just having the conversation. Opening up a line of communication is important to financial success.

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Omari Whyte is a Financial Representative with Innovative Financial He has a passion for educating and empowering young people and entrepreneurs.  He is focused on building long-term relationships with his clients.  By building long term relationship he is able to put together solutions that change as life changes.

You can reach Omari through email (owhyte@askifg.com) or Twitter (@whytefr). Also, be sure to check out his blog!

Confession time.

I love Kendra Wilkinson. Absolutely adore her. She’s just so stinkin’ likable, ya know?

I’m also loving how honest Season 2 has started. The frustration of having a kid immediately after getting married. The body issues. The desire for romance. I’m also loving Hank Baskett. He should look into teaching a class on how to be a husband because he’s quite good.

Ok, I’ll end my love fest now, and let’s talk about this scene:

I love that they were able to capture this exchange on camera.

At 1:14, we get to see Kendra’s expression change as she is flooded with feelings of insecurity, sadness, hurt and anger.

Next, at 1:34, we get to watch Hank’s expression change from “I’m such a lucky guy” to “oh, crap, I’m in trouble and I have no clue why!”.

I love that they caught this on tape because I’m pretty sure that every relationship on the face of the planet has experienced this same scenario at one time or another.

These are fights that start simply because the wind seemed to blow the wrong way. For Kendra and Hank, I still can’t tell what set her off, maybe he spoke too sweetly to one of her friends. I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter the trigger, her feelings were hurt.

So Kendra feels insecure and hurt. She immediately withdraws from Hank by pulling her hand away and the emotional temperature in the car got much cooler, I’m sure.

You can’t avoid this most of the time. People’s feelings get hurt for random reasons, it’s life. How we handle these mood changes is the key.

It would be easy, and logical even, for Hank to become defensive (“I didn’t do anything, Kendra!”) or try to point how she was being irrational (“You’re just being moody and seeing things.”)

Instead, Hank starts asking questions (“What did I do?”). More than likely he isn’t going to get an answer, but he is setting an important tone. He’s saying that he’s open to hear what’s going on, and that he hasn’t closed the door. And as backwards as it may seem, Kendra pulling away from Hank was a bid for reassurance about their relationship, it’s her sign to him that she needs to know she’s number one. Hank opening himself to her with questions lets her know their connection is still intact and that he cares.

That’s where this scene ends, but as the show goes on Kendra cries to Hank that she doesn’t feel pretty and that it’s hard to be around her friends right now.  Beautiful use of “I-statements”, Kendra, beautiful. Her ability to recognize and own her feelings about the changes her body has gone through makes it so much easier for Hank to step in and voice his opinion on the topic. If she had started the conversation accusing Hank of doing a crappy job of telling her she was beautiful or being too nice to her friends there would be no emotional way for Hank to be emotionally available to Kendra because he’d be to busy defending himself against her attacks.

Hank has the freedom to reassure Kendra that she is the most beautiful woman in the world and he doesn’t want to be with anyone else in the world. This interaction? A success. A bond affirming success.

Points to remember:
1) Don’t be afraid or think anything is “wrong” when the emotional climate in your relationship suddenly changes. It’s normal.
2) When the climate changes do everything you can to keep the defensive walls down and instead choose to ask questions about the feelings.
3) When it’s your feelings that have gone sour take some time to identify what the feelings really are (loneliness, abandonment, insecurity are some big ones) and share this with your spouse.
4) After hearing the feelings that are swirling around in this person you love’s head and heart let this person know you understand and ask how you can best help.
5) Your bond will be enhanced and you’ll feel closer.

This is a guest post from Omari Whyte, a financial representative from Innovative Financial Group. He’ll be providing us with great, thought-provoking advice when it comes to premarital finances for the next month or so. Not only will he be showing up on the blog, but his expertise (and humor) will be on display at the Bound Together Workshops.

If you have even seen Viva La Bam this is where I first saw the concept of “rope running.”

I see this time and time again but it is usually with married couples and it is in the form of communication. A lot of couples start out bound together in mind, body, and spirit. And when the preacher says “I do” they start running full speed in opposite directions.

A majority of the time it is not a conscious decision it’s due to a lack communication. No matter what your goals are it is much easier to succeed if you are going in the same direction.

Take the time to talk with your partner about your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Guys that might mean missing a football game or two and ladies that might mean missing Project Runway.

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Omari Whyte is a Financial Representative with Innovative Financial He has a passion for educating and empowering young people and entrepreneurs.  He is focused on building long-term relationships with his clients.  By building long term relationship he is able to put together solutions that change as life changes.

You can reach Omari through email (owhyte@askifg.com) or Twitter (@whytefr). Also, be sure to check out his blog!

Marriage is scary.

It’s a big decision. A decision that ties you to another person (and that person’s family) forever.

Forever.

Marriage is promising forever to someone. Not “until things get hard”. Not “as long as I feel butterflies in my stomach”. Not “as long as this is right for me”.

Marriage is a decision to promise to one person forever.

Before you decide to marry, before you say “I do”, look at this person. Look at all of this person. Not just the cute, feel good parts of this person. Look at all of the person.

Because you aren’t just promising to love the good parts of this person forever. You’re committing to their tendency to hoard. You’re committing to their laziness. You’re committing to their selfishness. You’re committing to their nagging requests for “quality time”.

Once we decide to marry someone it is easy to want to focus on how this person completes you and makes you happy. It helps lessen our anxiety about making such a big decision. If we let ourselves think about all the reasons marriage is scary, we might talk ourselves out of it, right?

Maybe. Or we just might save our marriage before it begins.

I think one of the biggest reasons marriages fail is because we desperately want to believe that we’re marrying some perfect being who is going to fulfill every need and desire we will ever have. And the first time we are confronted with the truth, that we’ve married an imperfect human, we’re shattered and convinced that we’ve made the wrong decision or the person we promised forever to has changed. Many decide this is the time to bail.

What if we went into this very serious promise seeing the entire person? Seeing the good and the bad. Promising to love the good and the bad. Would our desire to run be as strong if we were able to see it coming? Would we be able to remind ourselves, and each other, that we both knew what we were getting into when we made this promise?

The second session of premarital counseling is the “Anxiety Session”. We talk about all the things that make you anxious about marriage. Not to test you and see if you’re making a bad choice, but to make sure that you’re going into this with eyes wide open. This session is a way to give you a safe place to say “I’m scared…” and not have someone question if you’re really ready to get married, but instead to simply listen.

Marriage is scary, but don’t close your eyes.