Nashville Marriage Studio

The next time you’re getting intimate with your woman remember these two words:

Slow cooker.

First, this is important because thinking about random things, like kitchen appliances, will help you… last longer. And that’s never a bad thing.

Second, it’s important because that’s what a woman in bed is. A slow cooker.

Day Long Process
The beauty of a slow cooker is that it cooks all day long while you do other things, like go to work or school. You throw some meat and vegetables into the slow cooker and after 8 hours you have a delicious ready-to-eat meal.

Your woman needs the same thing when it comes to her sex life. Foreplay for a woman is not the 15 seconds you spend appreciating her upper-half. No, no, no. The foreplay a woman remembers started the minute she woke up and consists of more than overtly sexual advances. We want to be warmed up slowly and over a long period of time. So make her a cup of coffee as she bolts out the door. Text her randomly throughout the day letting her know how much you miss her. Check the kids’ homework without her asking. After you’ve spent the entire day wooing her in all these small, “insignificant” ways then (and only then) can you make your move.

Continuity is Key
Slow cooking is a long and gradual process. Once you turn the slow cooker on you better keep it on. And if it turns off you might as well just start over.

One of the biggest mistakes men make in the bedroom is with the assumption that women are able to stop and go just like them. Guys can be in the middle of The Deed, interrupt The Deed to answer an important phone call from work, and turn right around ready to get back to The Deed like nothing happened.

WOMEN CAN’T DO THAT.

I’m not saying that our sex drive is less intense or that we don’t want it as badly as men do. I’m simply saying that our biology requires build-up and interrupting our build-up to find a condom* or change the music or check your Blackberry is not the way to make us happy. We don’t like interruptions because it isn’t always so easy for our bodies and minds to get back in the mood. If the lovemaking flow has to be interrupted do whatever you can to keep her mind focused on the task at hand. An easy way to do this is to keep her aroused verbally, talking about how much you want her or what you want to do next.

(*I’m a HUGE advocate for safe sex. Practice it. Just do your best to make sure everything you need is close by to insure as little interruption to the lovemaking flow as possible.)

Share Your Heart
To get a slow cooker to work you have to tell it what you’re thinking and dreaming about -

Ok. I’m kidding. A slow cooker doesn’t need to have an emotional connection with the chef, but a woman needs an emotional connection with her partner. A woman’s sex life is a physical representation of the emotional connection that exists. If you two aren’t talking, sharing, and connecting on an emotional level I’d say good luck on getting her to want to connect with you on a physical one.

So, what kitchen appliance are you in the bedroom???

Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit.
Proverbs 25:28
We understand the danger that comes with living in a country that is not able to defend itself. As Americans, most of us have no real experience with this reality, but we can imagine the fear that must exist when another country invades and begins attacking.

We definitely understand this concept when it comes to our homes. We know not to let just anyone in. To lock our doors at night. We treasure the safety that comes from walls that are intact.

This proverb is an important reminder that our emotional boundaries are just as important as our physical ones. We allow our peace of mind to be robbed when we do not have the proper walls in place. One important boundary is between ourselves and others, being sure that we’re being true to who we are and not being crushed by the opinions and desires of those around us. Another important boundary is between our thoughts, actions and feelings. It is easy to hand off responsibility for our actions with the excuse that it felt like the right thing to do at the time. Knowing and owning that sometimes blurry line between our feelings and actions is empowerment at its core.

I love Thanksgiving. It’s hands down my favorite holiday of the year.

Naturally, when the name of the day has the word ‘thanks’ in it we gravitate towards reflecting on all the things and people we’re thankful for in our lives. (This is a great post by Nashville wedding planner Emily Humphries of Simply Yours on what she’s thankful for this year.)

I would like to steer us in a different direction this year… towards the Turkey.The official slang definition of turkey is “a person considered inept or undesirable“.

It’s easy to spend the majority of the year focusing on how our spouse has been a Turkey. Like, when he forgets to take the trash to the corner 2 weeks in a row. Or when she insists you take out the trash right when the Indianapolis Colts make yet another amazing comeback against the Patriots.

Every couple has had their fair share of Turkey moments. Take some time to laugh about these moments and say sorry for the times you were a turkey. Most importantly, remind your partner of all the times they were NOT a turkey this year, times you were really proud or THANKFUL to have him/her in your life. And at the end of the day, remember you made it through past Turkey behavior and will surely make it through future Turkey moments as well!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Sometimes it’s weird to me that we humans have so many books on sex. I mean, rabbits and cats don’t seem to have any problem figuring out what’s up so why is it so hard for us? Aren’t we supposed to be the smart ones here on earth?

Well, we are smart which means we’ve made things very complicated. And by complicated I mean that for us humans sex is often much more than a physical need. For most healthy human beings, sex is just as much about our emotional and spiritual needs.

And that’s where the books come in. To help us figure out why it isn’t always as simple as This Part going into That Part.

The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women is hands down my favorite book on the subject on the making of the love. Before reading this book I had assumed that for a man sex was simply something he enjoyed and wanted to do as often as possible. Like smoking a cigar. This book helped me understand how very wrong I was. Men use sex to answer really important questions like “Is she happy?”,”Am I doing my job as a man?” or “Are we connecting?”. You can only imagine what it does to a man when his woman is unresponsive or dismissive towards his sexual/intimacy needs.

It also helped me gain a better understanding of what I, as a woman, wanted out of sex. Women often use sex to guage how desirable their men find them. Sometimes this is a bad thing (Ladies, KNOW that thou art hot), but it’s also natural. We aren’t going to be in the mood if we feel like we’re simply the means to an orgasmic end.

Understanding what both of you need out of your sex life can make it
significantly more fulfilling.

 
Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage is another great one, especially if you’re a Christian looking for an honest conversation about the purpose of sexuality in a relationship. Lots of Christian books that discuss sex are vague at best, letting the reader know that God wants you to enjoy sex… but not TOO much. Aye.

In my opinion, Christians have not done the best job of developing healthy sexual beings. The message that sex is a shameful and dirty act until you sign a marriage certificate is confusing at best. I think this book does a great job of talking openly and honestly about sex with a population that often has no idea what to do with the subject.

Since Dr. Leman is a marriage counselor he spends time talking about how our sexual history (or lack thereof) affects our attitudes towards sex. It’s so important for couples to realize that we’re bringing so much more into the bedroom than just body parts. We’re bringing every thought our parents exposed us to about sex, every one night stand, every sexually abusive act, every insecurity we’ve had about performance or appearance. All of it is in the bedroom with you and acknowledging this is a great way to be both physically and emotionally naked/vulnerable with your partner.

Those are my two suggestions… anyone else know of any great books on how to “do the deed”?

1. Eat at a strange restaurant

   Life is going to throw you many curve balls and many things will not go as expected. You’re not always going to feel comfortable and you’re not always going to know what to do. Eating at a strange restaurant is a great way to find out how you and your partner handle unfamiliar situations. Are either of you frustrated by not knowing where to sit? Is it easy to go with the flow when you realize the entire menu is in Vietnamese?

2. Visit the each others’ hometowns

   Where you come from is important information to share with your partner. Understanding your partner’s past means you’re better prepared for your future as a couple. As your partner gives you a tour of his or her hometown find out what type of child he was and ask about her favorite memories. Discovering who your partner was can give you clues to who they will become.

3. Learn something new

   Marriage is just as much about committing to growth as it is committing to each other. The person you stand before on your wedding day is not the same person you will celebrate your 50th anniversary with. That person will be older, wiser, and have had millions of new experiences. You’re going to grow and change and one of the challenges of marriage is to grow and change together. Take a class together, cooking, salsa, painting, hockey, and begin setting a foundation of a relationship nourished by growing together.

4. Visit a place of worship that neither of you belong to

   I don’t know why, but for some couples it’s hard to have open honest discussions about religious beliefs. Most young people aren’t particularly religious and find it hard to believe that they will ever care about where they will worship. However, once people start having kids and dealing with various crises the question of religion often comes into play and leaves many couples caught off guard. Attend a worship service that is unfamiliar to both of you and spend the afternoon discussing your thoughts about what you experienced. Making it a worship service neither of you are attached to makes it more likely that your conversation will be more honest.

5. Take pictures with Santa Claus

   The holiday season is notoriously stressful. One of the best ways to handle stress is by laughing and being silly. Taking pictures with Santa Claus is a sure way to practice being silly in the midst of stress, a marriage skill we could all develop better.

It didn’t take long to convince my husband we needed GPS for our cars.

Me: Honey, can we get GPS-

Husband: I already know the perfect one. It’s on my Best Buy wish list. I’ll order it now.

Wow. If only he took out the trash that quickly…

I wanted the GPS because I was tired of writing directions down on fast food receipts. There had to be a better way. And GPS proved to be that better way.

GPS has also proved to be just the spice that my husband and I needed in our relationship. The GPS has the power to make everything feel like an adventure. Even going to my parents’ house for dinner. We will spend the additional 5 minutes telling the GPS where we’re going (the home I grew up in and could get to IN MY SLEEP) because hearing our little GPS lady say “Turn right in 5.2 miles” makes us feel like we’re on a roadtrip.

What are some little, never-woulda-thunk-it ways that you’ve added a little adventure/spice/romance/humor to your relationship lately?

In the past wedding planning has typically been left up to the bride. It was HER day and the groom should just try his best to show up on time.

That’s no longer the case. Modern couples are now working together to create weddings that  showcase the styles and preferences of both the bride AND the groom. (Check out some great examples of couples creating unique wedding experiences TOGETHER at Ashley’s Bride Guide here, here and here.)

I love that couples are taking the time to design weddings that truly represent them, and would challenge them to use their wedding planning process to begin to build the skills necessary for a successful relationship.

One area where your wedding planning will set a foundation for married life is how you deal with wedding finances. Most couples find themselves financing some, if not all, of the wedding costs. More than likely, the wedding will be your first time making financial decisions as a couple that are bigger than deciding who is going to tip the pizza guy.

Use the process of planning a wedding to begin building these healthy financial habits:

Discuss Spending & Saving Habits- 

When you’re dealing with thousands of dollars and the beginning of a life together the inevitable question emerges: Should we spend this on a wedding or put a downpayment on a house?

How each of you answers this question could be a good indicator of which end of the spectrum you are on, spender or saver. Most couples are made up of two people who balance each other out financially, one spends a little more and the other saves a little more. Often couples don’t find out who is who until they’ve been married a year and are frustrated with how the finances are being handled (or mishandled).

As you plan your wedding take the time to evaluate you and your fiance’s attitudes towards money. Is money meant to be saved in case of a rainy day? Should all superfluous items and activities be avoided no matter what? Or is money meant to be enjoyed and used? Do you believe whole-heartedly in the religion of Immediate Gratification?

Discussing how to use your wedding budget is a great way to see what types of habits each of you bring to the relationship and how they will mesh after the ceremony.

Ability to Handle Conflict -

More than likely money is going to be a limited resource in your marriage (unless your Ivanka Trump Kushner). Limited resources almost always lead to conflict. I don’t care about how in love you are, there will be financial conflict in your marriage.

This conflict is going to be seen in many ways as you plan your wedding. There will be conflict over how to spend the money. There will be conflict over how much to spend on various aspects of the wedding day. There will be conflict over who is paying for what and how much various family members will contribute. There will be conflict over what you want and what you can actually afford. The list of conflict will go on forever when it comes to money.

How are you going to handle it?

Will you go bridezilla on everyone until you get what you want (i.e. be a bully)? Will you stay quiet, convincing yourself that you didn’t REALLY want that amazing designer gown that your fiance said was a waste of money (i.e. become indifferent)? Will you go along with everyone else’s plan and quietly build up resentment (i.e. become bitter)? Or will you figure out a way to address each conflict with maturity and the attitude that there can be two winners no matter the situation?

How you two handle conflict before the wedding will probably be the way you handle conflict after the wedding, how satisfied are you with your conflict resolution skills? Are you happy with these habits being carried into your future together? The habits you develop in this area of your relationship will prove to be the deciding factor in whether you make it or not.

Establishing a Budget-

Establishing a wedding budget TOGETHER will be one of the best things you can do while planning. It will keep you focused and feeling empowered during the entire process. It is easy for events like a wedding to take on a life of its own. Budgets let you decide how big the wedding is allowed to get.

The best part of a budget, in my opinion, is that it gives you and your fiance a common punching bag when the conflict over money gets heated. Instead of being upset at your fiance because you can only spend $2,000 on a photography package you can be upset at the budget. Too often couples begin to demonize each other instead of the problem when times get hard. Budgets allow you two to begin practicing the art of  staying on the same team and externalizing the problems you face.

What have/did you learn about your partner while planning your wedding? How do you handle financial conflict in your relationship?