Nashville Marriage Studio

Halloween is my least favorite holiday.

Dressing your toddlers up like cows and puppy dogs is awesome. And I like the candy. But everything else pretty much bites. I hate scary movies and haunted houses. Heck, I can’t even listen to the radio commercials for haunted houses because I will pee my pants. Yes, I hate all things scary.

Well, tonight my husband thought it would be a good idea to watch Young Frankenstein since it’s Halloween and all. I reminded him I didn’t do scary, and he assured me this movie was more funny than scary. I like funny so I was down with the plan.

Young Frankenstein is now one of my favorite movies. It was great. Even better is that there’s a great relationship lesson hidden  in there, too. (Like I’d really use a post on here just to tell you about random movie reviews.)

So The Monster walks around grunting and scaring people. Standard monster stuff. At the end of the movie The Monster and Dr. Frankenstein do some sort of brain exchange thing. Now The Monster has some of Dr. Frankenstein’s intellect and he is able to explain a little about why he did what he did as a monster:

“I lived in hopes of meeting people who would..overlook my outward appearance and respect me…Do you understand what it means –never to see a kind or happy face? You could imagine then, perhaps, how such bitterness led me, at last, to the brink of another kind or life. I decided that if I couldn’t inspire love…which was my deepest hope…I would instead…cause fear.”
(source: God Among Directors)

If I couldn’t inspire love, I would instead cause fear.

Wow. The thing is that this isn’t true for just The Monster, it’s true for most any human.

We need to connect with others. Our lives depend on it. And we’ll do anything, even act like a monster, scaring everyone around us, to create that connection.

The problem for The Monster was that he couldn’t effectively communicate his need for love and acceptance. All he could do was grunt and walk around with extended arms. You, on the other hand, have the ability (and responsibility) to communicate your needs clearly to your partner. Opt out of using fear or anger for your connection needs.

Also, let’s opt out of scary silly holidays like Halloween. Who’s with me?

Let me map out where my mind has been the last week or so.

I wrote this post about how “Divorce is not in my vocabulary” is a crappy plan for a successful marriage.

If you’re a fan of Nashville Marriage Studio on Facebook (yes, you should go become a fan now) then you may have seen a few people comment on the post there. One of the comments suggested that not only should you consider “Divorce isn’t in my vocabulary” a crappy plan but you should also consider a prenup.

Interesting.

Prenups at face value seem to fly in the face of pretty much everything a marriage stands for. Prenuptial agreements seem to say “I promise to love you forever… but when that doesn’t work out I want $500,000 for every year we were married” (those Kardashian girls are brilliant).

When I asked peeps on Twitter and Facebook about their opinions on prenups I seemed to get a solid, “Hellz no”. No one got prenups and no one thought it was a good idea. You’re signing up to be married FOR LIFE, everyone said, and when you’re married FOR LIFE you do not talk about splitting your crap up (even though half of the weddings you went to this year are going to end in divorce).

I agreed until I started thinking about what marriage really required from us from a contractual standpoint. Everyone talked about marriage as if it was a done deal, a non-negotiable contract between two people to love and protect, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live…

Well, that’s what we say on the wedding day, but there doesn’t seem to be anything that actually binds us to whatever flowery words we chose for our vows.  In Tennessee, as in most states, you can get divorced for any or no reason whatsoever. Think about this: it’s probably easier to get out of your marriage than it is to get out of the contract with the gym you never go to.

What I’m trying to say is that we don’t like the idea of prenups because they suggest a lack of faith in the marriage when the marriage contract itself seems to have little to no faith in the marriage either.

Since the marriage contract won’t do much to keep you together, what steps are you taking to protect your bond?

When I was an undergrad Psychology student at Tennessee Tech I hated doing research because no one ever wants to participate. You could give people lots and lots of money and they would still avoid you and your study.

It bites.

So when Cristina emailed me looking for assistance in getting the word out for her DOCTORAL study at University of Virginia I had to oblige. If you’re engaged help the lady out. Please?

—

Engaged volunteers needed!

I am looking for volunteers for a study of attitudes towards marriage and parenthood among engaged couples. The study consists of a 25-30 minute online survey. To qualify for the study, you must be 20-35 years old, live in the U.S., and plan to marry or have a commitment ceremony within the next 365 days. You and your romantic partner must not have children, and this must be the first marriage for both of you.

You can:
-Help a doctoral candidate;
-Increase the pool of scientific knowledge;
-Support research on marriage and families;
and -Spend some time thinking about your relationship!

I am working with Dr. Charlotte J. Patterson, a Professor of Psychology at the University of Virginia. This study has been approved by the University of Virginia Institutional Review Board #2009025800. If you and/or your romantic partner are interested in participating or want further information, please email me at survey.couples@gmail.com. I will send you a link that you can use to access the study.

Thanks!
Cristina Reitz-Krueger
Doctoral Student University of Virginia
(434) 243-8558
survey.couples@gmail.com

The Bible tells a wife to submit to her husband in 1 Peter 3. Coming from a generation that regularly celebrates Girl Power (thank you, Spice Girls) this is a hard bit of scripture to swallow.

I have questioned many Christian women about this, why on earth would a woman submit to a man. Why did God give us the crappy end of the marriage deal?

The wisest answer I ever received was from a high school English teacher. She reminded me about what else God says about marriage:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25)

“Whenever I meet a man who loves me like Christ,” she answered, “I’ll have no problem submitting to him.”

I can work with that answer.

A few months ago I started the Real Life Couple series to highlight couples that were examples of good love behavior.

Here is the first (and only) post from this series. The couple is great. Go check it out.

Now it’s time for the second…

Two nights this week I found myself volunteering in my community. Monday night I was at the Nashville Adult Literacy Council helping adults practice reading. Tuesday night I found myself at Haywood Hills Baptist Church during their community computer class.

Both nights I ended up working with older couples, and both nights the couples happened to be from Egypt. On Monday I helped the husband practice his reading while his wife waited in the lobby, and Tuesday I helped a different older Egyptian couple figure out how to use a mouse. Both couples were so grateful and absolutely delightful to work with. I had a blast.

Not only did I have a great time, but I was inspired by these Real Life Couples. Can you imagine moving to another country to “start over” that late in life? I can’t. I mean, no one travels when they’re old, right? That’s why all of us 20-somethings are obsessed with traveling the globe because, dude, once you hit 30 they take your passport away. It’s true.

Seriously, these couples left Egypt where they were music teachers and accountants to essentially start over here in a America. I have no clue how these couples met or how they resolve their conflicts, but I’m very impressed with the fact that they’re still going on VERY SCARY adventures with one another despite society’s rules about how you’re supposed to enter senior citizenship (quietly and in a rocking chair).

Love like an Egyptian and tell society to shut up.

Do you know how to tell if a dog has been abused before?

One way to find out is to raise your arms. If a dog has been hit before the simple act of raising your arm can be all he needs to believe that he is about to be hit and he’ll react accordingly.

This means that if you’re around a dog that has connected a raised hand with abuse, you could nonchalantly stretch your arms out while you yawn and (unintentionally) cause the dog to cower in fear.

You didn’t want to make the dog cower, but you did. And if you were unaware of the dog’s history you might even be really confused as to why the dog is so scared.

The same thing might be happening in your relationships.

Have you ever been in a fight with a significant other that left you thinking, “What the heck…”? You probably pushed a button.

We develop buttons throughout our entire life. Most buttons connect us to painful or scary memories in our past. Like the dog, we see a raised hand and immediately connect it with the only memory we have of  a raised hand: violence and abuse.

Maybe your history includes your parents sitting you down for a “serious talk” when they told you they were getting divorced. If this news devestated you then the words “serious talk” might send you into panic mode because you’re positive it will be bad news. Your button has been pushed.

Maybe you were teased about a speech impediment as a child and when your significant other asks you to repeat yourself you immediately become insecure and brace yourself for the teasing you are sure will insue. Your button has been pushed.

Many of a couple’s worst fights happen because of pushing buttons we don’t even know our partner has. We unintentionally cause pain, fear, or anger with actions that are innocent yet so powerful.

Important conversation to have:
What buttons do you bring to the relationship? What events or words are connected to past hurts for you? What are your spouse’s buttons? How have you inadvertently hurt the person you love by pushing their button?

The Bible defines love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. I thought about adding more to it, but it’s pretty self-explanatory.

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.

It does not demand its own way.

It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New Living Translation

I got Crush It by Gary Vaynerchuk in the mail yesterday and had it finished in no time. Partly because it was short, and partly because it is awesome.

One thing that I stress with couples is to do something that they love and find purpose in. Spending your time hating your job will wreak havoc on your health and relationships. Invest time and energy in developing a career that fits you.

So here’s my video blog book review. Enjoy!

Crush It, in my opinion, is a great book to help you jumpstart a life (and relationship) filled with passion.

It boggles my mind when I talk to couples about how they plan to make their marriage a success and this is what I hear,

“Well, divorce isn’t in my vocabulary”.

Really? That’s your plan? To not talk about the terrible d-word? That’s all you’ve got?

That’s like Moses trying to get to the Promised Land and answering his people with “Lost isn’t in my vocabulary”.

Or the friendliest girl in high school saying, “Teenage Pregnancy isn’t in my vocabulary”.

Or buying a house that’s worth half a million dollars when you make $7/hour and insisting, “Foreclosure isn’t in my vocabulary”.

The words you decide to include in your vocabulary don’t mean squat when your actions are pointing in another direction. Without action steps all you really have is wishful thinking.

If you’re insistent about building a successful relationship simply by cutting words out of your dictionary, let me suggest a few  more to get rid of:

criticism, negativity, defensiveness, resentment, bottled up feelings, lust, nagging, hiding from problems, selfishness, avoidance, aggression, lying, gossiping, belittling, shutting down, poor boundaries, people pleasing, abusing…

Get rid of those words, too, and maybe the “Divorce isn’t in my vocabulary” plan will work.

Maybe.