Nashville Marriage Studio

Well, the last Bound Together Premarital Workshop of 2009 is upon us.

Exciting, right?

You can find out how the whole thing goes down on this page.

And you can go ahead and register by going here.

And you can find out if this workshop will fit your needs by, well, reading a little bit further…

Most premarital workshops give you tons of basic information that is helpful to any two people in a committed relationship. Premarital education, like Bound Together, invites you to discover your personality, your fiance’s personality, your love languages, and how to handle “hot button” issues like sex and finances.

Bound Together sets itself apart from the crowd, though. Bound Together has been re-designed to help couples who have already experienced difficult times in their relationship. Maybe there is a fight that you keep having. Or something in your relationship’s past that causes you to worry about your future. Maybe one or both of you have never seen a healthy relationship up close and you want to learn those skills before committing to forever.

Bound Together will do more than help a couple talk about a budget. This workshop will help you understand why those fights hurt so bad. This workshop will teach you the skills to have fights where you feel closer and more bonded to one another.

This workshop could be the first step towards the relationship of your dreams.

Go here to register for the workshop and use the discount code “BLOG” for a 50% discount.

One session of premarital counseling consists of each partner coming in with a list of things they want more of in the relationship. This is a great exercise because often we are afraid to ask for what we want or we’ve never really thought about what we want.

The couple goes back and forth letting each other know what they want and it’s usually this session where the couple’s eyes are opened to how much better their relationship can be when they learn how to communicate effectively. It’s my favorite session with a couple hands down.

Want to know what every couple asks for? MORE DATE NIGHTS!

Most couples feel like they’re in a dating rut and this is even before the “I do’s” have been exchanged. So sad!

Nashville Marriage Studio wants to help couples overcome this problem, and we’re going to start suggesting date nights for all of you couples wanting to make your relationship a priority. Our first date night suggestion is The Bekah Hailey Band playing at The Rutledge on October 12th.

The Rutledge

Part of a really great date night is making sure you experience something new as a couple.

And what is better than experiencing new music together? Another great part of doing a music date night is that you can buy the cd (or whatever you young people listen to music on now) and it’s kind of like you get a soundtrack from your date night.

Does it really get any better than that?

If you’ve emailed me in the past year about counseling I want to let you know about an update in rates for counseling sessions:

Standard Counseling -

$60/session
Sessions are 50 minutes long.
The number of sessions a couple needs depends on the couple.

Premarital Counseling -

$30/session if you are not engaged yet OR have at least 4 months until your wedding day.
$50/session if you are getting married within 4 months
Sessions are 50 minutes long.
Premarital counseling consists of 8 sessions.

How to sign up

To schedule your first session of premarital counseling first talk to your fiancé. Is he or she interested in taking proactive steps to build a successful marriage?

If so, give me, Marie McKinney-Oates, a call (615.504.0634) or shoot me an email (marie.mckinney@gmail.com).
Here is the information I’m going to need to know to schedule your first appointment:
Your name:
Fiancé’s name:
Both of your ages:
Wedding date:
How long you’ve been together:
Do you live together?
Times that would be best to meet:

My real answer? All of them. But that’s like saying we should all take the stairs rather than the elevator. It’s a ‘duh’ answer that no one really does.

In all seriousness, all couples can benefit from premarital counseling but there are certain types of couples that truly get the most out of the experience and are able to really see their relationship grow.

Grounded in Reality

When you’re in the middle of planning a wedding and spending money left and right you have GOT to believe that this marriage thing is the right decision. If it isn’t then you’re not only walking into a disaster, but you’re paying big money to do so (seriously, the average cost of a Nashville wedding is in the $20,000 range).

Engaged couples are notorious for needing to believe that their relationship is so amazing that it makes Bella and Edward look like amateurs at love. Many times they end up spending most of their engagement ignoring areas in their relationship that may need work, instead deciding to keep a “head in the clouds” mentality about marriage.

Couples that do well in premarital counseling are realistic about everything that comes with marriage. They know that the first year is going to be hard purely because of all the adjustments that have to be made. They know that to build a great marriage you have to work on yourself and work together. The couples who get the most out of premarital counseling are totally realistic about the journey ahead of them and want to be prepared for it.

Creative

Creative couples are not only tons of fun to work with, but they’re wonderful at coming up with different ways to make marriage work for them. Creative or open-minded couples are able to see what marriage can be and look past the traditional stereotypes that come with being married (i.e. not exciting, settled, bored, etc). Many couples are content to have a boring marriage where you simply “exist” together and these couples don’t get much out of premarital counseling. Creative couples who are open and excited about defining what success is for their marriage and figuring out ways to make that success happen will get the most out of the counseling experience.

Come from divorced homes, are getting married younger than 22 or older than 35, lived together before they got married…

Coming from a divorced home, getting married young, living together, not graduating from college, all of these are predictors of a failed marriage in the United States. Some of us have all the right “stats” that say we are going to live happily ever after and that’s GREAT! Seriously, if the numbers are on your side then I hope life is everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more.

Now for the rest of us, we’re forced to deal with how all the baggage that Life handed us will play a role in our lives and marriages. The couples that get amazing results out of premarital counseling are the ones faced with tons of reasons why their marriage shouldn’t work. Premarital counseling gives them the skills and understanding that helps them understand how to stop letting their past creep into their present.

While I obviously support all couples seeking out relationship or premarital counseling, I also know that the ones that get the MOST out of it are typically realistic, creative, and bring in a few pieces of “baggage”.

Please email me at marie.mckinney@gmail.com if you’d like to schedule a premarital counseling session, or would like help finding a premarital counselor in Nashville that works for you!

I love the way it feels to be in love. The way it seems like nothing can go wrong and that everything in the world is beautiful.

It’s a wonderful feeling.

I also love flowery words. Heck, I’m married to a songwriter who can stir up powerful emotions inside of me with a few piano chords and some pretty lyrics.

I’m a sucker just like the rest of you.

I would like to put out a warning, though. The pretty words and the mushy gushy feelings are not what amazing marriages are built on…

Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey

Nick Lachey said that the first time he heard Simpson sing he “got chills” and told his bandmates, “I’m going to marry that girl one day.” (Buzzle.com)

“Nick Lachey asked me to marry him in a very romantic way and I said yes!!! He had been patiently waiting for me to grow up a little (which I needed). And I did! Now my life feels so perfect.” – Jessica Simpson, 2001

Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston

 
In their vows Brad Pitt promised to “split the difference on the thermostat” while Jennifer Aniston pledged to always make his “favorite banana milkshake.” (TheInsider.com)

“It’s very cool when you have your best friend at your side.” – Jennifer Aniston, 2001

“Dude, I’m all for [married life]. It’s exciting for us. We’ve both had time off so we’ve been enjoying our life – little vibe at home, little vibe at the beach.” – Brad Pitt, 2002

Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen

 ”There’s not hope for much when you’re that deep,” he says of his troubled past, “[Denise] has taught me more about myself than anybody I’ve ever been close to. I just feel so supported all the time.” – Charlie Sheen, People.com

“I knew that this is the one, but I wouldn’t tell him that. I didn’t want to scare him away by saying, ‘You’re my future husband!’ and have him run for the hills.” – Denise Richards, People.com

Beautiful words and loving feelings are a wonderful and necessary part of being in a healthy relationship. Just don’t buy into the idea that it’s all you need.

*I do not know why these marriages broke up or if they were depending on feelings to carry their marriage through. I simply used them as an illustration of beautiful words that resulted in less than fairy-tale endings.

There will come a time in every relationship where a couple will get stuck trying to make a decision:

She wants to follow a job. He doesn’t want to move.

She wants Chinese. He wants Mexican.

She wants to start trying to have kids this year. He wants to wait a couple more years.

She wants to put the extra money towards retirement. He wants to go to Las Vegas.

The stuck feeling comes because it is easy to assume one of two things are going to happen. Either one of you is going to get your way (one loser, one winner) or neither of you will get what you want (two losers and sometimes referred to as ‘compromise’).

This is sad because most conflict during decision making occurs because we’re stuck with this false assumption: All conflict results in a loser. Obviously, no one wants to be a loser so we fight harder and harder to get what we want without ever stepping back to ask, “How can we both win?”

How can we both win?

Couples, you need to be in the habit of asking this question. How can I get what I want AND you get what you want?

Let me introduce you to the Win-Win Waltz from Susan Heitler. I love this skill and this therapist.

The Win-Win Waltz has each of you focus on what your underlying concerns are about the decision. Let’s take the decision about having kids. She wants to start this year and he wants to wait a bit. On the front end this seems about as either/or as it gets, you’re either having kids or you’re not.

Asking about the underlying concerns we find out that she wants to have kids this year because her parents were older and she has always wanted to be a young, hip mom that could be active with her kids. She fears that waiting will mean that she’ll be too old to be the kind of mom she wants to be. He is hesitant about starting their family this year because he would really like to own a home first. For him being a homeowner means that they have stability and security, two things he wants before introducing kids to the world.

After identifying the underlying concerns, the couple would now list solutions that took both of their concerns into account, or ask the question “How can we BOTH win?”

So instead of focusing on the fact that he doesn’t want kids right now, they’ll focus on making an environment where he’ll feel better having kids. Maybe they’ll both commit to saving money so he feels secure about starting a family. And while they save money they could also begin doing the activities that she sees a young hip mom doing. Maybe they’ll go to the zoo more often or go on camping trips as a way to prepare for the active family life she’s hoping for.

Learning how to make decisions together is a sure way to have a relationship made up of two winners.

Personality differences often bring us together (“He’s so punctual. I need that in my life. Swoon.”).

They are also what tear us apart (“If he yells at me for being late one more time I’m going to lose it!”).

At the Bound Together Workshop we figure out who you are and what you’re bringing into the relationship. After that we look at how well all that’s going to mix with the personality of the cute little thing sitting next to you.

In this Slideshare Presentation we look at how Introverts and Extroverts mix in a relationship…

If your lover can’t sing this song about you, or you can’t sing this song about your lover something needs to change.

“Stand By Me”

This song and many others can be found at the awesome website playingforchange.com.

Photo Credit: Austin ampersand Zak

The Marry Blogger is a great guy with a great blog on, what else, marriage. Recently, our posts seemed to complement each other. He wrote about the amazing marriage milestones he had recently witnessed. At the same time, I was dispelling the idea that your marriage can survive using the same tools your grandparents used.

The Marry Blogger asked in the comments of my post what some of the tools were that relationships of today needed, and I’m going to “merrily” (I crack myself up) answer that question now.

• Active Listening – Oh my goodness, if there was a skill I could magically give every couple it’s this one. The ability to not just hear the sound waves that your partner is emitting, but to actually LISTEN and COMPREHEND and UNDERSTAND what your partner is saying. Active listening is staying engaged with what your partner is saying, NOT planning how to respond to what you THINK your partner will say. Active listening is repeating back to your partner what you heard so that you know you’re talking about the same thing. Active listening is being open and available for your partner, without the defensiveness and stonewalling that normally happens.
• Community – Very few of us have roots. We grew up in one town, went to college in another, and started our careers in yet another. Our constant moving means that no matter where we are we feel like ‘outsiders’. Unfortunately, belonging to a community is insanely important to our well-being. We were designed for community. Part of what makes marriage so attractive is that community, the belief that this person will be a constant, a family for life. What makes it difficult, though, is that we now expect to have all of our social support provided by this one person. This is not realistic. Or healthy. Together join a community, whether it is a church, a wine tasting club, or simply making a point to find friends so that your relationship won’t be overly burdened with each other’s social needs.
• Fight Regularly – It is absolutely essential that married people today fight and fight regularly. Our grandparents “never fought a day in their life” because there wasn’t a point. You were going to stay married no matter what so fighting was useless. Divorce is a reality for us, and we need to quit acting like it isn’t (hello, “Divorce is not in my vocabulary” people). People get divorced for tons of reasons (finances, sex, parenting, etc.), and the underlying problem is that many of us are so terrified of conflict that we hold it in. We hate the idea of “rocking the boat”. We hold it in until we get so fed up that we blow up. Hello, Jon Gosselin. Once we reach that point we aren’t able or willing to work on what used to be a small issue. Learn to fight regularly so that those small conflicts don’t turn into massive deal breakers.

Those are just a few of the tools the modern marriage needs to succeed today.

A few weeks ago I had a reader comment and ask for advice on how to find a premarital counselor, so I’m here to help…

Finding a premarital counselor is rarely at the top of a couple’s to-do list when it comes to wedding planning. If you’re the kind of couple that makes marriage preparation a priority here are some tips to finding a great premarital counselor for you:

• A Professional – I love it when couples find mentor relationships to help them see a great relationship in action. It’s so important to do this! However, for your premarital counseling you really want to find someone who has been trained to see what relationship problems may exist for you two in the future and knows how to help you avoid these problems. Look for professional counselors, therapists,  or pastors.
• Chemistry – You need to get along with whoever you pick to be your premarital counselor. You need to feel comfortable enough to talk about really personal issues like the family you grew up in, your past relationships, sex and finances. Don’t waste your time with a counselor or pastor you don’t feel comfortable with.
• Definition – How does the premarital counselor define a successful marriage? If your counselor says a healthy marriage is simply staying together or never arguing and you guys believe it’s about being emotionally intimate or adventurous with each other, you might want to keep looking. Agreeing on what your goals for counseling are will make the process a million times more beneficial.

If you’d like a list of premarital counselors that Nashville Marriage Studio recommends, please email Marie at marie.mckinney@gmail.com.