This is history in the making. Nashville Marriage Studio has started AND completed a blog “series”.
Someone call News Channel 5. For realz.
We’re changing it up, though, and forgoing the video. I’m starting to feel pretty narcissistic having my face plastered all over the front of my blog…
Premarital counseling myth #5 – My grandparents have been married 80 years and THEY didn’t get premarital counseling.
Yes, I’m aware of this. And I’m sure that your grandparents have an amazing relationship that we all want to have one day. However, our grandparents got married in a completely different time and culture.
First of all, marriage used to be necessary for survival. One spouse worked while the other tended to the home and children. They had to make it work because for many marriage wasn’t just about love, it was about surviving. Divorce was not an option if you wanted food on your plate and a roof over your head.
Second, divorce was looked down upon. Like REALLY looked down upon. If you didn’t want to become essentially a leper in your community you figured out a way to make it work.
Third, we had stronger and bigger communities. Our grandparents didn’t expect to have all their emotional needs met by their spouse because they were surrounded with friends and family able to provide emotional support.
Modern marriages do not have these “luxuries”. We don’t need each other the way that we used to (although, this recession may be changing that). We no longer have a society that considers divorce the ultimate sin (which is a good thing, in my opinion). And many times our “close” family consists only of our spouse (and maybe kids) which means that we are expecting a lot more emotional support from one person.
The modern marriage is the first time in history that couples are getting married solely for love and connection rather than tradition or survival. Keeping the modern marriage alive requires a totally different skill set than what our grandparents needed. We need to have a clearer understanding of who we are as individuals and firm understanding of how to handle conflict in order to make it work.
I have been debating whether or not to include this myth because I don’t want to offend anyone. I don’t THINK I’ll offend anyone, but what do I really know?
Here’s the deal, for various reasons plenty of people believe that only Christians seek out premarital counseling. My basic argument is that a couple should not write off counseling because of this. If you don’t have a Christian worldview don’t assume that only pastors offer premarital counseling. There are plenty of great counselors in town that can provide premarital counseling with or without the Christian (or any religion for that matter) piece included.
*I say this in the video, but I’ll reiterate here, I am a Christian, and at the same time I believe that my spiritual views do not have to be included in your premarital process.
We’re still breaking down some myths that many of us have about premarital counseling…
Today we’re going to look at the myth that “happy” couples don’t need premarital counseling because they’re, well, happy! And in love. And CAN’T WAIT to walk down that aisle.
Completely understood. But get your premarital counseling anyways, and here’s why…
I mention the wedding planner Emily Humphries of Simply Yours Weddings & Etc. (thank goodness I got her name right in the video… it was between Emily and Katie… don’t know why, but WHEW!) and you guys should definitely go check her out!
Myth #2 is that premarital counseling is too expensive. Yes, it can get pricey (individual sessions with a couple are $50 each and the Bound Together Workshop is $100), but when you consider what you’re getting out of the transaction it makes it totally worth the price.
In this video I’ll explain why premarital counseling is worth the price…
Lots of us have preconceived ideas about things we don’t know much about. Many times these ideas are wrong.
I’m going to take a look at some common myths about premarital counseling and give you a better idea of what the truth is.
Our first myth is the idea that premarital counseling is all about telling the couple all the reasons their relationship sucks. Not true and in this video I’ll let you know why…
Imagine that you really need to get in touch with someone. You’ve been stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire. You need to let someone know so they can come pick you up.
You start dialing. You get a busy signal. You send a text message. It goes ignored. You start a fire to send smoke signals…
No one is responding to your cry for help.
You start crying. You try fixing the tire on your own until you quickly realize the only thing you remember from Scouts is how to send smoke signals. You stomp around. You try to get the attention of a passing trucker. Trucker looks scary. You try to UN-get the attention of the passing trucker…
Can you feel the frustration? The abandonment? The fear of being left to die alone?
Yes, it’s dramatic. However, I don’t know if anything better captures how it feels to be in a relationship with a Hider.
You men Hiders know who you are. Hiders think that if they can ignore the problem it will go away. Pretend you didn’t see her pouting when you decided to go golfing instead of sticking around to help clean the garage. Yeah. Let me know how that works out for you.
And the time you’ve spent hiding, not returning her proverbial phonecall, is causing more fear, more doubt, and more anger to get stirred up. She may have been slightly irritated when you picked up your golf clubs, but when you ignored her cries for reassurance? Yeah, she got emotional and she’s going to keep getting louder and louder until she knows she has been heard. It’s as simple as that.
Hiders, quit ignoring your partner’s call for love, affection or security. Pick up the phone.
Your Budget. The best way to save money on your wedding? Only get married once! Premarital counseling or premarital education will help decrease the likelihood of divorce 30%.
Your Kids. You may not have kids yet, and the idea of parenthood might make you throw up a little bit, but premarital counseling is good for the entire family! Learning how to fight fair and work as a team means that you are going to teach your kids the same thing without even thinking about it.
Make it to the 5th anniversary. Most divorces happen within the first 5 years of marriage. 5 years! Our commitment to love and honor another person forever MIGHT last half a decade. This is not good.
Confidence. There is nothing worse than celebrating during your wedding day with a pit in your stomach wondering, “Are we doing the right thing?” Or coming back from the honeymoon and thinking, “Uh-oh.” Premarital counseling allows you to get a really good idea of who you are marrying and clarify your thoughts about why you’re getting married.
Great Sex. You’re going to be talking more and fighting less which happens to be the perfect recipe for curl-your-toes love making on the honeymoon.
It’s cheap! Most pastors require that a couple do premarital counseling with him or her and that’s typically free. Other forms of premarital counseling cost approximately $500, which is less than 1% of a typical Nashville wedding budget. Seriously, isn’t your marriage worth it?
One of my favorite marriage “facts” comes from John Gottman, a renowned marriage and family therapist. He has observed that successful marriages seem to operate on a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction. The amount of fighting doesn’t seem to matter as long as there are 5 times as many good interactions as bad ones.
I loved this nugget relationship goodness because it seemed to bring some cold hard numbers to a field that is characterized by its touchy feely-ness. Finally, the world of relationships had a metric that could be used!
And then I realized that this ratio was saying something even more powerful. This ratio says good couples fight. Good couples have negative interactions!
How many of us have this dream of being in a relationship where all of our needs were being met? Where we never fight? Where everything is perfect all the time?
Yeah, I’ve had that dream, too. But it’s not a reality. Great couples don’t avoid conflict, or wait to be satisfied in their relationship when all the fighting is done. No, great couples realize that’s a waste and a lie.
Being in a relationship with someone will bring conflict. There is no way to avoid this. It’s a fact. What great couples are able to avoid, however, is letting that conflict and negativity over run their relationship.
Quit trying to avoid fights, and start being intentional about creating as many positive interactions in your relationship as possible.
Want to know if you’re in a great relationship? Simple. How much sushi do you eat?
That’s right. The amount of sushi a couple eats can increase a relationship’s success rate by 350%*.
Ok, before you go off to buy a lifetime supply of California Rolls listen up…
Quit playing it safe
Everyone loves statistics about marriage and relationships. We eat this stuff up because love is scary and unpredictable. We will do and believe anything that tells us that we can have any amount of certainty when it comes to matters of the heart. Stop it. Love requires risk, not a calculator.
Couples with strong bonds take risks
So the statistic about sushi-eating couples isn’t what would be considered ‘true’ in the technical sense of the word, but the spirit of the statistic is true. That has to count for something, right?
The thing is most of us aren’t going to take risks (and, yes, eating RAW FISH is a risk) unless we can see a safety net. We quit jobs when we’ve got new ones lined up. We raise our hands in class when we’ve read the material. We try to pick up girls we THINK we have a chance with. We jump when we think we won’t fall.
Bonding tightly with another human being, knowing they have your back no matter what, is the best safety net of all. Couples with strong bonds believe there is no risk too great for their love.
Even eating raw fish.
*As far as I know, sushi consumption does NOT help your relationship. Just want to be clear on that.
Most relationships are in the middle of fairly predictable dance.
He’s happy. She’s happy. He makes a wrong move. Maybe he forgot it was the anniversary of their first date. She pouts. He ignores her. She cries. He apologizes. She’s happy. He’s happy.
The dance starts all over again.
If you pay attention ,you and your partner probably fight about the same handful of infractions. Maybe one of you has abandonment issues and can’t stand anything that feels like you’re being left alone. Maybe you need control of the relationship and resent any time that you can’t have it. What starts the fighting dance in your relationship?
What steps do you take to communicate your frustration, anger, or hurt? Do you use pouting to ease your way into the fight, to give everyone a “head’s up”? Do you get quiet until the feelings pass because it’s not worth bringing up? Do you calmly explain your pain to your partner?
How does your partner react when you bring up the conflict? Does she get quiet? Does he try to avoid you until you look like you’ve forgotten why you’re upset? Does anyone ever have the balls to simply ask, “What’s wrong?”
How do you know the fight is over? Does it simply happen when everyone is tired of yelling? Do you know it’s over when one of you can crack a joke? Or are you the couple that enjoys a round of the ever popular “make up sex”?
Pay attention to your relationship’s dance. Are there any moves you really enjoy? Any that you’d like to see change?
