Nashville Marriage Studio

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My mom says the worst part of being pregnant is looking down and realizing that what’s inside is coming out.  HAS to come out.  No questions asked.

Yikes.

Labor pain is terrifying, and most women will do pretty much anything to avoid it.  Hello, Epidural.

One common way to lessen the pain of childbirth is to focus on something other than the pain.  Sometimes it’s simply concentrating on an object in the room, on your birthing coach, or on a pleasant memory.  You know, “going to your happy place”.  Rumor has it that this technique actually works.

So, if “going to your happy place” can somehow lessen the pain caused by a watermelon forcing it’s way out of an opening NOT the size of watermelon could it not help the next time you and your significant other get into a screaming match over who is squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong end?

I think so.

We fight because our feelings have been hurt.  We feel disrespected, unloved, unsafe, not cared for… The list goes on forever.  We want to focus on the pain.  We want to focus on all the ways this person has hurt us because we think that somehow this will make the pain go away.  Or at least help us feel better.

What if, instead of focusing on how you obviously married the biggest loser in the world, you focused on one of your relationship’s happy places?  What if you recalled the night of your first kiss?  Or the day he brought you chicken soup because you were sick.  Or the time she searched all over eBay for the Yoda action-figure that would complete your collection.

It’s not natural to think of your partner’s positive qualities when you’re beyond pissed, but neither is thinking about mai tais on the beach while you’re pooping out babies.

Hee, hee, hooooo…..

This is where you want to go…

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So what’s your plan for getting there?

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The hardest person in the world to be married to is the one who thinks they have nothing to learn, that there is no way for them to improve or grow.

If you are this person, then please do everyone a favor and take yourself out of the “I want to get married” pool.  It’s better this way.  Trust me.

The problem is that a person who knows everything does not have an attitude of experimentation. Experimentation is so important for the success of your relationship.  And not just in the bedroom.

Experimenting with your relationship can take many different forms.  Maybe it’s starting the day with a hug all week.  How does that change your relationship? Maybe it’s making a point to look your significant other in the eye when she’s talking.  Does that change how much she nags? What would happen if you asked for what you wanted instead of pouted?  Were you more or less likely to get what you wanted?

Being open to experimentation means that you acknowledge that you don’t know everything.  A couple that experiments together trusts each other. Experiments communicate curiosity about your partner and your relationship. It means that you’re open to changing, to growing and to learning.

How can you experiment with love this week?

Here are some places to find Nashville Marriage Studio this month…

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In the last post I suggested letting your man know you enjoyed his moves, and I ended with a warning not to fake an orgasm.

I would like to repeat myself.

Do NOT fake orgasms.

Yes, he needs to hear your moans and feel your body to respond to his touch.  He does not, however, need to be lied to, especially within the context of one of the most intimate times in a couple’s relationship.  And here’s why:

Um, you aren’t getting what you want when you fake it

I once made out with a guy and made the mistake of randomly expressing pleasure when he touched my hip.  I don’t know why I did it to begin with, but I know that every time we made out from then on his “go to” move was squeezing my hip.  Not exactly pleasurable, but I kept up the charade for a while because I felt bad for “misrepresenting” myself. 

So I got months of hip massages because I faked pleasure.  All faking an orgasm does is reward bad behavior.  Don’t do it!  Instead, move his hands to where you want them and suggest something that sounds fun to you.  Once he starts doing something you like then start moaning.

Fake orgasms destroy intimacy.

A solid, committed relationship is built on intimacy.  Not physical intimacy, necessarily, but that closeness that comes with knowing you can be your complete and uncensored self with another person.  When you pause and look at how often we have to put up fronts with the people in our world you will realize what a true gift it is to have this partnership where you can let your guard down.  Physical intimacy should be a celebration of the closeness and vulnerability that exists in your relationship.  Faking an orgasm destroys that intimacy because it is, essentially, hiding a part of yourself from this person. 

Lying in the bedroom helps no one.

Ladies, let’s talk about sex for a moment.

Many of us have this preconceived notion that guys are all about sex, all of the time.  We think he’s always looking for a way to get into our pants.  We believed Harry when he told us men couldn’t have platonic female friends because they wanted to have sex with all women.  And being particularly nice one evening is always written off as having the ulterior motive of getting some action later on.

If you’re dating a 17 year old boy, then maybe the above is true, and you’re probably right. All he wants to do is get you in bed.

If you’re with a man, though, I would think twice before jumping to the same tried and true male stereotypes.

Men enjoy sex when their woman enjoys sex.  Seriously.  Turning you on, turns him on.  He wants to know that you enjoy his touch and that he can please you.

So much of a man’s identity is tied up in his sexuality.  For many men, losing their virginity is the first time they learn to identify themselves as men. It’s only natural then that a significant part of how they see themselves comes from how they please their women.

Let your appreciation for how good he makes you feel known to him.  Moan a little louder.  Initiate your next sexual experience.  Ask him to do that thing you love so much tonight.  Beg him for more.

Appreciating his sexuality, this core part of him, will change your relationship and how he interacts with you.

***I am NOT saying to fake an orgasm or to lie in the bedroom. No, no, no.  Just don’t let what you enjoy go un-praised.

My favorite session of premarital counseling is the Communication one.

After spending weeks talking about emotional baggage and marital anxiety, it’s finally time to start learning how to grow closer as a couple.  The first exercise we do is one where both partners come in with a list of things they want more of in the relationship.  Each couples shares their desires using “I-statements” and active listening.  Through this activity couples learn some really important things to help their relationship a successful one…

Couples Learn the Power of Positivity

Asking for what you want rather than what you don’t want is an easy way to give your relationship a boost of positivity.  Even simple things like, “I don’t want…” create unnecessary negativity.  Not only does asking for what you want promote positive feelings it paints a more vibrant picture of what you need from the relationship.

Partners Are Empowered and Have Higher Self-Esteem

Letting your partner know what you want allows you to feel empowered and as if you have control over how fulfilling your relationship is.  It is an amazing moment when you realize that you can get what you want without having to pout or wait aimlessly. 

Hearing exactly what would please your partner also develops a higher self-esteem.  Think about it, remember those classes where the teacher seemed to constantly keep you in the dark on how to prepare for a test?  Compare that teacher with the one who was open and willing to talk about what was required to do well.  Your self-esteem and attitude towards the open and clear teacher was probably significantly higher than your attitude towards the one who seemed dead set on you failing.  Knowing what your partner wants helps you feel good about yourself and your relationship.

Everyone Wants To Go On A Date Night

I’m not sure that there is a more common request during these sessions than “I would like for us to go out more”.  Both genders and nearly every couple requests this first.  MAKE TIME WITH YOUR SWEETIE A PRIORITY.  It’s important.  And it seems like it’s what everybody wants.

If you’re interested in premarital counseling sessions with Nashville Marriage Studio, please contact Marie at marie.mckinney [at] gmail [dot] com.

What shape is this?

Many of us would say ‘rectangle’ because, well, it’s close enough.  And our brains don’t do well with the ambiguous so we force things into ideas, images, and situations that we’re familiar with, whether they match or not.  So when you look at this collection of random lines, because that’s all it really is, you fill in the blanks until you can see the rectangle, a shape you recognize.

It’s our brain’s desire to “fill in the blanks” that can lead to some of the biggest problems in a relationship.  We get clues from our partner: a frown, a short answer, a quiet demeanor.  We take these clues and try to arrange them in a way that makes more sense. 

That frown obviously means her feelings have been hurt.

The quiet demeanor means that he’s ok with going to my parents’ house for dinner.  He’d say something if he wasn’t happy, right?

The problem with relying on clues to understand our partner is that sometimes we’re wrong.  Shocking.  I know.

That frown could be what she looks like when she’s thinking.  The short answer could be that he was distracted.  And that quiet demeanor could be that he’s thinking of the right way to say, “Eating at your parents’ house makes me want to die”.

This problem becomes even worse when we begin to operate as if we’re correct, without finding out for sure.  When we react to others as if we “know” what they’re thinking we are essentially trespassing into our Significant Others’ mind, and that’s not fair.  This trespassing, regardless of whether there is any intended malice, almost always triggers defensiveness and hostility. 

A simple way to stop yourself from filling in the blanks incorrectly is to ask questions.  Lots and lots of questions.

Unless you are Monica Gellar, you probably don’t get your jollies from cleaning.  Yes, the best feeling in the world is a clean home, but cleaning house does not typically make the list of “10 Things I Can’t WAIT To Do!”

I love this advice from Alice.com on how to keep the house straight in under 10-minutes a day.  By promising to keep the chores short and to the point we’re much more likely to get them done because they no longer come with that daunting feeling.

Our relationships also need this daily clean-up.  Often we let minor greivances and annoyances “clutter” the relationship.  Instead of dealing with these issues as they come up we let them pile up until we can’t take it anymore.  By the time we get to the “I can’t take it anymore” feeling we’re not in the mood to fix anything.

It’s when we get to that point that many of decide to get rid of the relationship rather than work on it.  At this point there are too many problems to make it worth it so we throw the whole relationship away instead.

Expressing your concerns as they happen can be scary.  What if I’m making too big of a deal out of this?  I’m not that bothered by it, right?  What if all we end up doing is fighting?

These questions are compeltely valid.  It’s scary and it can feel petty to talk about issues nearly everyday.  The beauty, however, is in the fact that these issues are small today.  These issues are not deal breakers… yet. 

Making a point to clean up the relationship regularly will help you avoid throwing away a perfectly good relationship.

Mind readers.  It sounds so romantic, doesn’t it?

I mean, can you imagine a relationship with someone who knew everything you were thinking? 

Someone who could pick out the perfect birthday present without having to drop pesky hints.

Or know that you needed a hug or some physical lovin’ without you having to ask.

Or would apologize for hurting your feelings before you spent the evening pouting.

It sure would be great.

Unfortunately, the fantasy of finding your mind reader is just that, a fantasy.

We want to think that someone reading our mind is a sign of what a great match we are.  But a relationship that depends on someone reading your mind will not last.  Trust me.

Healthy, mature relationships that stand the test of time rely on honest and open communication.  Not mind reading.  And here’s why…

Communication is the only realistic way to let someone in

No one can ever know what you’re thinking except for you.  Your thoughts and feelings are private until you choose to let someone in.  Thinking you will ever find someone who “gets” you so well that you don’t ever have to talk is setting yourself up for disappointment.  Letting someone know how you feel is the only way to get into someone else’s head.

Communication is the best way to get what you want

Telling someone what you want is the best way to get what you want.  On the surface this seems like a pretty obvious statement, but so many couples, especially those chasing down the mind-reading fantasy, want their significant other to “just know”.  The longer you wait for someone to intuit what will make you happy, the longer you’re going to wait to be happy. 

Telling someone what you want accomplishes two things: 1)  You get exactly what you want which makes you feel great, and 2) you give someone precise directions on what you want which makes them feel good, too (everyone loves performing a job well-done).

Communication builds intimacy and trust

Do you know what telling someone what you want or how you’re feeling does?  It builds intimacy and it communicates trust.  We don’t let our guard down with everyone and we certainly don’t go around telling everyone our dreams and fears.  No, our inner world is only shared with those that we feel safe with.  Sharing your thoughts and feelings tells your significant other, “I feel safe with you and I trust you to accept all of me, my thoughts & feelings included”.  Knowing that this person accepts you, the good and bad, is what will get you through your hard times.

Mind reading is fine for average relationships, however, communication is what you’ll need for an amazing one.