Nashville Marriage Studio

Nashville Marriage Studio was created to help Nashville couples design the marriage they’ve always wanted. One way we do this is through premarital counseling. Premarital counseling allows a couple to learn valuable relationship skills, deepen their commitment to the relationship, and increase their confidence as they prepare to walk down the aisle.

As we enter the beginning of the traditional wedding season I will be “doing” premarital counseling with popular fictional couples that we all know and love.

Gosh they look happy.  It’s that premarital counseling at work, I tell ya.

So we’re wrapping up with Big and Carrie.  They have a clear idea of where their couplehood is strong, where it is weak, and how to fix things when stuff starts to break.  Now we’re going to talk about what their goals and expectations from the first year of marriage will be.

Goals
For many people, especially women, getting married is the only goal in mind when it comes to a relationship.  After a wedding a couple can feel lost and confused about where to go next with their relationship.  A relationship without goals will eventually result in boredom and frustration.  Goals create a sense of purpose and growth for many aspects of our lives (our careers, health, etc.) and this is especially true of our relationships and marriages.

Carrie and Big decide that their goal this year is to develop their emotional connection.  They define emotional closeness as having a better understanding of both their own feelings and each other’s feelings.  They decide to use their love of books as the stage for reaching this goal and will read one book a month together.  Weekly discussions about the book is their plan for engaging with each other emotionally.

Expectations
Each partner comes in to marriage expecting it to be a certain way.  However, it is not common for partners to discuss their respective expectations from the marriage.  Without talking about expectations it is easy to feel let down or as if your spouse is purposely trying to make you miserable when these expectations are not met.  Laying expectations out on the table allows the couple to discuss what they want and whether it is realistic or not.

When Carrie and Big discuss their expectations about marriage it becomes apparent that Carrie is expecting to spend significantly more time together than Big was planning.  Without this discussion Carrie would be left open to being hurt by perceived rejection by Big.  After talking about each other’s expectations, Carrie and Big are able to come together and decide a realistic amount of together time to expect during their first year of marriage.

Thankfully, Sex and the City: The Sequel will be out soon enough, and we’ll get to see how their premarital counseling helped out!

If you are a Nashville couple and would like more information on premarital counseling with the Nashville Marriage Studio, please contact me at marie.mckinney@gmail.com.

Nashville Marriage Studio was created to help Nashville couples design the marriage they’ve always wanted. One way we do this is through premarital counseling. Premarital counseling allows a couple to learn valuable relationship skills, deepen their commitment to the relationship, and increase their confidence as they prepare to walk down the aisle.

As we enter the beginning of the traditional wedding season I will be “doing” premarital counseling with popular fictional couples that we all know and love.

Every couple fights. We all know and accept this. However, many of us are terrified of conflict with someone we love. We hate the way arguing feels. The anger of being wronged. The guilt of doing something wrong. The fear that things might not turn out ok. Because of all these negative feelings many of us either avoid arguing or simply do it completely wrong.

My favorite session in premarital counseling is the one where the couple fights. They bring a problem in and begin to fight. From there we learn how to fight fair and how to communicate in a way that leaves you feeling closer than ever before.

Big and Carrie brought this fight in for their conflict resolution session:

Big is planning to move to Paris for work. He did not talk to Carrie about it beforehand. This left Carrie feeling disconnected and unimportant to Big. In this particular fight, however, Carrie is looking past her feelings and wants to focus on possible solutions. Big does not appear interested in finding ways to make their relationship work which sets Carrie off.
(This is part of an episode of SATC, so expect some naughty words.)

In premarital counseling we would offer the following tips for better conflict management for Big and Carrie:

Don’t Fight Mad
When Carrie throws the McDonald’s sandwiches (I heart McDonald’s and was particularly upset about this wasteful behavior) across the room that should have been a loud and clear signal that now is not the time to fight. Anger is a good emotion. It lets us know that something is wrong with a situation. We like anger. And Carrie has every right to feel angry when Big insists that she shouldn’t make decisions based on their relationship. All that being said, don’t try to have a discussion while you’re mad. Physiologically it’s impossible. You’re brain is being flooded with all sorts of hormones that make it really difficult to think critically about a situation.

Tip: When you feel like throwing a hamburger take a time-out. AND if someone throws a hamburger at you catch it let them know that you two will continue this conversation in a designated amount of time.

Ask Questions
Right after she throws the hamburger (seriously breaks my heart) Carrie screams “You don’t even care!” I will admit that Big’s actions do not seem to be in line with someone who is “in it to win it” when it comes to the relationship, however Carrie is not in Big’s head. She does not know what he is thinking, and she has no right to tell him what he is thinking. Telling him what he thinks will only cause him to feel defensive. Defensiveness will either lead to more shouting or to him shutting down.

Carrie desperately wants to know Big cares. This means she needs to ask him questions in order to get this information. A better way to get the information she wants would be to say, “Right now, I don’t feel important to you. What makes it so hard to commit to me?”

Tip: Asking questions, rather than telling the other person what they’re thinking, will lead to better discussions. It is key, however, that you’re spirit of questioning is one of an “information gatherer” and not an “evidence of how much you don’t love me gatherer”.

Reflective Listening
Eventually Big says “This isn’t about ‘us’, this is about work!” Not such a hot way to phrase that. It just reinforces Carrie’s idea that she isn’t a factor in his life. At any point in this conversation Big could have started reflecting back what he heard Carrie saying. For example, after Carrie screamed that Big didn’t care Big could have said, “Carrie, I hear you saying that you feel unimportant to me and that you think I don’t care about our relationship. Is that right?”

Speaking like this feels weird and unnatural at first, but it does wonders for both partners. When Big takes the time to really process what Carrie is saying he would begin to feel less defensive and more empathetic towards her. When Carrie hears her words repeated from Big she is given the gift of feeling heard. Trust me, it’s an amazing gift.

Tip: Reflective listening is hard and weird, but oh, so worth it. A framework to use is – “I hear you saying (fill in what you heard). That must feel (how would it feel if you were in your partner’s shoes?). How much of that did I get right?” This takes lots of practice because it is so not how we normally talk.

The fight session is so seriously so much fun. And learning how to fight is a million times more valuable than trying to never fight.

If you are a Nashville couple and would like more information on premarital counseling with the Nashville Marriage Studio, please contact me at marie.mckinney@gmail.com.

Nashville Marriage Studio was created to help Nashville couples design the marriage they’ve always wanted. One way we do this is through premarital counseling. Premarital counseling allows a couple to learn valuable relationship skills, deepen their commitment to the relationship, and increase their confidence as they prepare to walk down the aisle.

As we enter the beginning of the traditional wedding season I will be “doing” premarital counseling with popular fictional couples that we all know and love.

Preparing for marriage requires going in with both eyes wide open. Or at least as open as possible. It is easy to become so in love with the idea of “happily ever after”, especially when planning a wedding, that you lose sight of the reality that you are two imperfect people coming together to form an imperfect union.  Knowing what your Relationship Weaknesses are will help you avoid that “caught off-guard” feeling that typically comes with your first marital rough patch.

Carrie and Big have investigated what makes their relationship strong, now let’s take a look at areas where they can expect to struggle.

Emotional Intimacy
Big has emotional intimacy issues.  Huge ones.  And Carrie, honestly, isn’t much better since she insists on wanting he who is never available.  Becoming “too close” scares both of them and they have a habit of sabotaging the relationship so that it will return to a distance they feel comfortable with.  This weakness will probably be present in varying degrees for the rest of their relationship.  Learning to say “I’m afraid of getting too close”, rather than act out and cause damage, will mitigate this weaknesses effect on their bond.

Infidelity
Lots of cheating went on between Big and Carrie in all its various forms.  The rule “Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior” does not disappear after you say “I do”.  Their infidelity is rooted in their problems with emotional intimacy, however, its presence decreases the level of trust in their relationship.  Low levels of trust make relationships darn near impossible.

Passion
Like anything else, our strengths can also be our weaknesses.  Big and Carrie connect so well physically that it can become easy to use it as a sort of crutch.  Instead of truly resolving issues they depend on sexual intimacy as a way to feel close to one another.  This weakness is tricky since it has it’s healthy side to it as well.  Big and Carrie will have to make a point to be very concious of their motivations for seeking out physical connection:  are we doing this because we want to be close, or is this our way of avoiding real issues?

If you are a Nashville couple and would like more information on premarital counseling with the Nashville Marriage Studio, please contact me at marie.mckinney@gmail.com.

Nashville Marriage Studio was created to help Nashville couples design the marriage they’ve always wanted. One way we do this is through premarital counseling. Premarital counseling allows a couple to learn valuable relationship skills, deepen their commitment to the relationship, and increase their confidence as they prepare to walk down the aisle.

As we enter the beginning of the traditional wedding season I will be “doing” premarital counseling with popular fictional couples that we all know and love.

Big & Carrie

Mr. Big and Carrie are of Sex and the City fame. He is super wealthy and she is the ultimate fashionista. They are the tortured “on-again, off-again” couple that left us screaming at the television set whenever he pulled that “I can’t commit” junk. Despite all of the drama, however, we were all convinced that they were definitely meant to be.

Guiding Big and Carrie through premarital counseling would begin with determining their Relationship Strengths.

Everyone has relationship strengths, but few couples take time to recognize them. Identifying relationship strengths will help you navigate the hard times with more stability when you can use these strengths as a sort of lifeboat.

Big & Carrie’s Relationship Strengths:

Humor
These two know how to laugh together. They have used their humor to not only have fun together, but they also use it to diffuse the intensity of arguments. Taking time to laugh during a heated conversation can be a very healthy way to connect (as long as it’s done in moderation).

Passion
They were on a show that revolved around the topic of sex. Passion was not a problem for these two. Their shared appetite for physical intimacy is great for their relationship because it is a tried and true path to bonding for these two.

Individuality
Hands down their biggest strength is that they are two separate individuals. Big is successful in his businesses and Carrie is a professional writer. Each has found their own way in their world and developed their own identities. Having a solid knowledge of their selves means their couplehood will be stronger because of it.

The next part of premarital counseling for this lovely, though fictional, couple will be determining their Relationship Weaknesses.

If you are a Nashville couple and would like more information on premarital counseling with the Nashville Marriage Studio, please contact me at marie.mckinney@gmail.com.

There is something about a home with broken windows that screams, “You’re not safe here!”  Because how can you feel safe if anyone can enter at anytime they choose?  It’s near impossible.

Photo by Dan Tantrum

The same is true for our relationships.  Relationship boundaries, like windows and fences, allow us to feel safe.  Feeling safe in a relationship allows the couple’s bond to strengthen and grow. 

Put safety first in your relationships:

Speak for yourself
The only experience you can truly know and speak for is your own.  Telling your partner what he or she is thinking is a common way to violate a boundary.  Sentences that start with “You always…” or “You think…” should be avoided at all costs. 

Ask Questions
Instead of telling your partner what he or she is thinking why not ask?  Asking questions about your partner’s thoughts or feelings on a topic is like ringing the doorbell to their heart and asking to come in.  The courtesy will be much appreciated.

Encourage
Some of us grew up in homes where we did not feel safe emotionally or physically due to various types of abuse.  Our past has made it hard to feel safe anywhere.  If this is the case for your relationship make it a daily habit to remind each other that this relationship is a safe place.  Along with practicing healthy boundaries, the daily encouragement will help you two focus on the task of creating a safe place to love each other.

How do you practice safe loving in your relationship?  What parts of your relationship don’t allow you to feel very safe?