Nashville Marriage Studio

Finances are the number one reason people decide to get divorced.  Except that now we’re in a recession and maybe people aren’t as quick to get divorced.  Either way marriages are hard and talking about money rarely helps.

We don’t like talking about money because it’s personal.  Admitting to your future spouse that you have $30,000 in credit card debt can feel like admitting you have an STD.  Neither is fun and you end up feeling kind of ashamed about it.

Talking about money with your future spouse is also scary.  If I tell her that I don’t want to combine our finances because she has tons of debt, will I hurt her feelings?  If I insist that we get a joint account will he think I’m being too pushy?

The problem is that NOT talking about money is exactly how you become the couple in divorce court citing finances as your ultimate deal breaker.  Let’s avoid that, shall we?

Encouragement
The way the cards typically fall one of you is (more than likely) going to be naturally better with money.  If you are the financial wizard in the relationship you automatically have a upper hand in the money conversation.  Use this power carefully.  Remind your better half that they have your unconditional love and support no matter how badly they screw up.  If they know, and believe, this they are much more likely to talk honestly about money with you.

Joint vs. Separate
Have this conversation.  Please.  People come into marriages with expectations that they never say out loud because they assume their better half is on the same page.  Assumptions kill relationships.  Don’t assume.  Talk.  Tell the other person what you expect when it comes to combining the finances because resentment will build if/when your unexpressed expectations are not fulfilled.

Mint.com
I love this place and would recommend it to ALL couples.  Millenials do all their banking online and Mint.com basically gathers all that banking in one centralized place.  Not only that, but you can easily see where your money is being spent .Which is a great tool for keeping up with your  Dave Ramsey inspired budget.

Don’t let money kill your love.

I love the process of an idea becoming a building.

I love that one day someone decided she wanted to build a library.  I love that she told an architect about her dream and he designed a building.  Then an architect showed a contractor the plans.  A contractor rounded up the tools and people necessary to begin building the library.  In a matter of time a library exists.  Her dream is reality.

It’s amazing to see a dream go from nothing to something.

You have a dream for your marriage.  You want it to be adventurous.  Or you want it to be stable.  Or you want it to be romantic  Or you want it to be a place to rest.  You want something.  Dream.

You know what it takes to get there.  Or what needs to be avoided to get there.  Marriages that feel like sanctuaries require honesty.  We can’t rest if we can’t trust.  Plan.

Construction sites don’t take days off.  Every day a little more work is done.  A little more foundation.  A little more drywall.  A little more paint.  Until whatever you’re building is done.  Till your building is done, though, it’s a little work everyday.  Same with marriage.  Say something nice every day.  Let your partner know one thing you want from him or her every day.  Build.

Every marriage is building something.  What are you building?

Seth Godin’s book “The Dip” talks about the importance of defining the terms of quitting before you begin.  If you don’t you’ll be the runner who gives up on the marathon because her legs are starting to get tired.  If you don’t you’ll be the inventor who gives up because  5 attempts at the remote control doggie door fail.

Define the dip for your marriage before it even starts.  Define what “enough” is so that you’ll know it when you see it.  Define the dip so that you won’t be discouraged by the inevitable fatigue and failure that comes with the marital territory.  Define the dip so that you won’t be tricked into quitting before you really want to.

There are times when a couple needs to quit the marriage.  A point where it isn’t worth trying anymore.  Define those times before you start.

Lots of us talk about coming from “dysfunctional families”. Sometimes this means that we were raised by divorced parents. Or that you saw abuse as a child. Or you were abused as a child. Or you had a mom that always forgot to pick you up from school. No matter what family you come from you probably think that your family is dysfunctional.

Thinking we come from dysfunction scares us. We start to believe that we are damaged goods. Then we tell someone we want to spend the rest of our lives together, and we pause. Will our baggage stop us from having the marriage we want? Will we make the same mistakes our parents made?

The thing is, none of us come from perfect families. We’re all messed up. That’s just the way it is.
More importantly, you survived that “dysfunctional family”. You made it out. Don’t ever underestimate the strength and courage this requires.

And now that you’ve survived your family you can make that marriage of your dreams a reality. Recognize your family’s shortcomings, where things weren’t healthy. Now make a decision. Decide that this won’t happen in your new family. Get help from a pastor or counselor if you need it, and decide that the dysfunction ends here. You survived, now decide.

Marriage requires survivors.

My husband and I fight about tons of stuff. This is normal. And expected. However, one thing I never thought we’d fight about was politics. We dated for nearly 3 years and never once talked about politics. He didn’t even like to watch the news, much less care about who the next Supreme Court Justice would be. The worst part was we assumed we knew what the other’s political beliefs were. He assumed that since I was a Christian I was also a Republican. And I assumed that since he was more liberal in his religious views that he was a Democrat.

Boy were we wrong.

We probably could have gone the rest of our lives without this difference becoming an issue. After all, we went 3 years without thinking about it. The problem, however, was that we were married in 2008. The year of one of the most important presidential elections in history.

Before we knew it we were arguing nearly every night about immigration laws, gun control, and economic stimulus packages. In some ways I think we both looked at each other and wondered, “Who is this person?”

They tell you to talk about everything in premarital counseling. They insist that these topics that don’t feel like an issue today will more than likely be an issue tomorrow. But you’re not going to believe them. Just like my husband and I didn’t believe politics would be such a huge issue in our relationship.

There are so many variables in life that you cannot control. Presidential elections that put a spotlight on your political beliefs happen. Having children and having to decide what church to attend happens. Relocating to follow one spouse’s career happens.

Things change. How are you going to adjust?

I am currently in the middle of a hardcore marathon of Grey’s Anatomy. Besides ruining my anniversary, I’m finding that Grey’s is a wonderful source of inspiration for relationship topics.

I’m in the middle of Season 2 and Addison and McDreamy are trying to work through her infidelity. She argues that it was simply a ploy for attention. They are both high profile surgeons trying to balance life and work, and the affair was simply a sign of an imbalance.

It got me thinking. How do we manage our time between our careers and our personal life, especially when we’re married?

When you’re dating the lines seem to be a little clearer. There are designated date nights and goodbye kisses on the porch. What about after tying the knot? Or even just moving in together. And this other person is there all. the. time.

This other person’s constant presence, seeing them in the morning, eating dinner with them, and the check-in phone calls all create this illusion that you’re spending time together. There is a difference between spending time around your spouse and spending time with your spouse.

Balancing work and life is hard for everyone. And it’s especially hard for married couples. And it’s even harder for married Millenials. Because Millenials a) think they can do everything and b) love to stay busy.

Here’s a nice guide to making time for your spouse:

Spend at least 15 minutes a day talking.

Spend one evening a week together, also known as the “date night”.

Spend one weekend a month with each other.

Spend one week a year on a vacation. Just the two of you.

Make time.

I once had a professor talk about how she had a very precise way that she wanted the towels folded.  No, a precise way that she needed the towels folded.  Unfortunately, her husband was never able to meet her towel folding standards.  She complained of spending time every evening refolding towels that he had messed up.  Messed up towels drove her nuts.  More than anything, she wanted him to leave her towels alone.

And then he passed away.  She told us that she would give anything to for him to mess the towels up one last time.

How does your spouse annoy you?    How is the behavior endearing?  What annoying habits would you be surprised to “miss”?

 Maybe you storm out of the room in a huff.  Or one of you snores.  Or one of you cheated.  Sometimes it’s one person that keeps making the mistake and that person gets labeled the “bad guy” in the relationship. 

Being labeled the “bad guy” isn’t good for the relationship.  The “good guy” doesn’t feel motivated to change because it’s not their problem.  And the “bad guy” doesn’t feel motivated to change because it’s always their problem.  Instead of feeling like you’re on the same team with someone you love, you feel like you’re in a face off with someone you hate.

Bad Guy vs. Good Guy

Relationships that feel like face-offs won’t, and can’t, last.  Relationships that feel like teamwork will last.  And you’ll have more fun.

Quit looking for someone to blame.  Instead treat problems like a soccer ball that you kick between the two of you.  It isn’t “his problem” or “her problem”, it’s OUR PROBLEM.  How is storming out of the room hurting both of you?  If one of you cheated, how are both of you responsible for the situation (and, yes, both of you are)?

And if snoring is the problem, well, that is one person’s fault.  Sorry.  Get some nasal strips.  And be thankful that’s your biggest problem!

When I first moved in with my husband, I quickly learned that his cat did not like me.  At all.  Don’t get me wrong, the cat liked me fine when we were dating.  When I was leaving every night.  But now that I was around all the time?  And was sleeping on his side of the bed?  The cat was no longer a fan.

I tried everything to win the cat’s love.  I tried talking to him.  Cuddling with him.  Giving him treats.  All I got was a cold shoulder and an occasional hiss.  I was miserable.  And, to be honest, a little afraid that my husband would ask me to leave.

Then one day my husband made a suggestion, “Why don’t you start to clean his litterbox?”

Was this a joke?  You want me to clean the litterbox?  Clean the litterbox for an animal that HATES ME?  I don’t think so, Buddy.

Unfortunately, I was desperate, and I wanted that stupid cat’s love more than I wanted to remain a litterbox cleaning virgin.  The next day I cleaned the litterbox.

I cleaned the litterbox for a week, and do you know what happened?  That cat quit hissing.  And biting.  And one evening, while my husband was out, he climbed into my lap and let me pet him.

“I’m finally speaking your love language!” I squealed as we cuddled on the couch.  Finally, we were going to become friends.  And I wasn’t going to be asked to leave.  Life was good.

Have you ever found yourself spending lots of time and energy trying to communicate your love for someone only to be met with coldness?  Or hissing.  Are you trying to communicate in a way that makes sense to YOU?  Or a way that makes sense to THE PERSON YOU LOVE? 

Say “I love you” in a language your partner understands.  Even if it isn’t exactly your definition of love.

Nashville Marriage Studio was created to help Nashville couples design the marriage they’ve always wanted. One way we do this is through premarital counseling. Premarital counseling allows a couple to learn valuable relationship skills, deepen their commitment to the relationship, and increase their confidence as they prepare to walk down the aisle.

As we enter the beginning of the traditional wedding season I will be pointing out Nashville wedding vendors whose wedding tips/advice can double as marriage advice.  Enjoy!

Over at A Delightful Day Event Planning, a Nashville wedding planning company, they are promoting the importance of wedding day insurance

If your wedding day needs insurance, what about your marriage?  No, I’m not talking about a pre-nup.  I’m talking about premarital counseling.  Premarital counseling can help boost your confidence that you and your fiance have the skills to make it through the rough patches. 

Yes.  There will be rough patches. 

Do what you can now to protect yourself later.