Nashville Marriage Studio

I think everyone realizes how important marriage is and is clamoring for a formula on how to make it work.  During graduate school we even received a list of all the variables that make you more likely to get divorced.  Here is a sampling from that list:

• If your parents are divorced.
• If you’ve ever been divorced.
• If you got married too young.
• If you got married too old.
• If you did not complete high school.
• If you have children prior to marriage.
• If you live together prior to marriage.
• If you come from different socioeconomic backgrounds.

The list goes on forever.  It goes on forever because we all want to believe that there is some way, some magic formula, that will guide us towards “Happily Ever After”.

I hate to break it to you, but there is no formula.  And the checklist above boils down to the idea that eHarmony is built on: The more similar a couple is the better their chances of making their relationship work.  And the only reason that is even a little bit true is because a couple that is similar has fewer opportunities to engage in conflict.  Less conflict is less wear and tear on a relationship.  But that’s about it.

Instead of trying to reduce the risk it takes to get married or commit to someone why not work on handling conflict better.  Or develop a better understanding of your partner’s love language.  Listen better.  Give your love the benefit of the doubt.  Kiss her forehead.  Stroke his ego.

Quit trying to make love safe.  It isn’t going to happen.

The first time that you begin to feel like you’ve come to a “rough patch” in the whole marriage/serious relationship thing ask yourself, “Is this standstill traffic and I need to find a new route, or is this just a congested stop sign that you guys need to simply ride out?”

I was driving home tonight and heard a sound coming from my engine that kinda sorta sounded like metal grinding on metal. But only kinda like that. And it only lasted for a split second.

My knowledge of cars is limited. Very limited. Like, the only thing I really know is how to pump gas. That and when something goes wrong check your dashboard to see what light has come on.

So I checked the dashboard where the “Check Engine” icon shined brightly. No duh, Dashboard.

The car was clearly broken, and do you know what I did? I decided that whatever was wrong wasn’t bad enough to make the car stop moving, so I should be fine.

And I strategically positioned my hands on the steering wheel so that my arm blocked my vision from the “Check Engine” light. Out of sight, out of mind. Problem fixed. Right?

Signs of a failing relationship are hard to miss. Constant arguing. Not as much sex. Working late because going home sucks. Talking to your friends about how miserable your marriage is.

We see the signs, know things are broken, yet we keep on going pretending nothing is wrong.

How’s your relationship doing? What signs are you seeing? What signs are you avoiding?

I’m part of Generation Y.  We’re a plucky group that has recently come of “marrying age” in a time when marriage may not be that desirable.  Sure, marriage might mean we become better bloggers, but is it worth it?  Between a horrible economy and a general trend towards doing “grown up” things, like marriage, later in life… is Gen Y really up for the marital challenge?  I would say yes… and no. 

Optimism
No one can rain on Gen Y’s parade.  We truly believe that we can do anything.  And for us, “anything” includes having a great marriage.  Gen Y believes this despite observing our parents’ mediocre relationships or constantly hearing that dreadful “50% of marriages end in divorce” statistic.  Rocking at marriage requires optimism, even if it is a tad delusional.

Developed a Personal Brand
The best marriages are between two people who have a solid understanding of who they are as individuals.  Two healthy wholes make a great marriage.  Gen Y-ers have this understanding because we are kind of obsessed with our personal brands.  We are obsessed because, well, we have to be.  Everyone Googles each other, and we need to control what is being seen by the masses.  More than that, we want careers that line up with our passions. We can’t have those careers if we don’t know what we’re passionate about, if we don’t know who we are.  Our marriages will rock because we spent our singlehood really figuring out who we are.

Team-Oriented
Everyone who talks about Gen Y talks about how “team oriented” we are because we grew up playing soccer.  Penelope Trunk even points out that we go to prom in groups.  We get teamwork.  We’ve been doing the “I’m not the center of the universe” dance for a while, and it’s this perspective that is going to allow us to rock marriage.

There are plenty of reasons Gen Y is set up to succeed, yet there is one particularly big reason we might suck…

Reality is Depressing
The first time we saw Laguna Beach we asked, “Is this real?”  We couldn’t tell.  We couldn’t tell because we’ve been on a steady diet of fake for years.  We’ve grown up thinking women should look like Victoria’s Secret Angels and our houses should be as cool as the ones on Cribs.  When our lives don’t turn out as cool or as exciting as L.C.’s we become depressed and think, “But this isn’t what I was expecting!”  The same can happen with marriage.  When our marriages aren’t as passionate as the couple from “The Notebook”, are we going to become let down and bail?

Of course, all of this is assuming we still subscribe to the outdated institution of marriage…

Ways to save your planet… and your relationship:

Carbon Offsetting and Criticism Offsetting – Use John Gottman’s 5:1 ratio to clean up the criticism in your relationship.

Pick Up Litter and Say You’re Sorry - Relationships become littered with “bad behavior”, so take time to put that bad behavior in it’s right place by saying sorry. But don’t just say sorry, act sorry. Great post on this topic here.

Education – Get educated on how to have a better relationship with books like Susan Heitler’s The Power of Two and the Rosberg’s The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women.

Recycle and Reuse… the Good Memories – Good times have existed in your relationship, use those memories and recreate the magic in today!

This is my very first video blog for Nashville Marriage Studio. I hope you guys enjoy it!

Note: There is a point where I introduce my cat, Nala, because I think you can see him. But it turns out you can’t. So I look a little weird. But what’s really new with that, right?

My challenge to you is to think of one good thing about your partner every time you use that evil toothpaste to brush your teeth. For some this could be 3 good thoughts about your partner a day. For others this could mean only 1 good thought about your spouse each day. And some kickin’ breath. Not that I’m judging.

Brush your teeth. Love your partner.

Seth Godin is awesome.  At marketing.  And starting businesses.  And writing books.  And I’m sure many other things.

After I read his book The Dip: A little book that teaches you when to quit (and when to stick) I decided that he is also awesome at love relationships.  And doesn’t even know it.

Do you know how good it feels to know something Seth doesn’t?  Amazing.

The Dip is the best book of inadvertent relationship advice that I’ve ever read.  In my entire life.  It’s great.  Because every relationship, EVERY RELATIONSHIP, is going to go through The Dip. 

Research says that marriages are most likely to end within the first 3 years.  The Dip comes for every relationship and some trudge through, and some don’t.  I’m not going to make a judgment on whether to quit or stick, but knowing that the Dip is the necessary payment for an awesome marriage in the future makes it a little easier to accept.

Here is a Jeopardy answer for you:
Partaking in this sacred ceremony is asking your community, your family and friends, to join you in celebrating your union.  The two of you have decided to make it official and want to share with those nearest and dearest to you.

Alex, what is Marriage?  Wrong.

Try “What is Facebook’s “In a Relationship” status?”  Especially when you’re linked to your love.

Ever since living together lost its sinful nature, the only thing separating the Cohabitants from the Marrieds was the wedding.  The Marrieds made their commitment officially known through a grand introduction to society.  Like a debutante.  Yes, marriage is like a debutante ball for relationships.  You and your partner are saying, “Look at us! We are joining the ’till death do us part’ crowd and we want all of you to know.  And isn’t this a pretty dress?”

And then Facebook came along and turned even the time honored tradition of marriage on its head.  Because who needs a lavish party or $20,000 of debt to let everyone know you’re together?  Now, with just a couple of clicks of the mouse you two lovebirds are essentially married.

Joint Decision
The “In a Relationship” status change is a decision best made together.  It may even be your first big decision as a couple.  Remember, nothing will creep an individual out faster than finding a relationship status change without proper discussion (“He wants to be ‘In a Relationship’?!? What on earth?”).  Just like deciding to get married takes lots of consideration and communication, so does making a status change.

Community Involvement
Blazing your “In a Relationship” status to the entire world is a big deal.  And with Boomers joining  Facebook at record speeds it’s important that whoever you’re linking yourself to relationally be someone you’re fine with bringing home to mom and dad.

Public Humiliation
The Facebook relationship status also sets you up for possible relationship humiliation.  Ok, humiliation is a bit strong.  But if you two decide that you can’t stay together, even for the kids’ sake, people will be reading your business like you’re on the cover of US Weekly.  And everyone will notice because there is nothing more intriguing as relationship status change in the mini-feed.

With living together before marriage being socially acceptable and Facebook making our relationships legitimate in the eyes of our community, has marriage officially become an outdated social construct?

Have you ever pulled into your parking space at work and thought, “How on earth did I get here?” You immediately become aware that because of your familiarty with the drive to the office you zoned out. Didn’t pay attention. Went on autopilot.

Then a small amount of fear hits your heart when the thought “I could have died!” fully forms. Driving while practically asleep is a recipe for disaster. No one wants to be woken up by Mack truck.

Nearly everyone has experienced the autopilot sensation when driving a familiar route. It’s easy to quit being present to a moment that happens every single day. At the same time. In the same way.

Going on autopilot is not reserved for our daily commute. No, our relationships are put on autopilot, too. She asks you to take the trash out. He say later. She insists on now. He tells her to quit nagging. She questions how much he really loves her.  It’s a conversation they have had many times, a well-worn road in their relationship.  Once one or both “wake up” they are in the middle of an argument wondering “How on earth did we get here?”

The fear of going on autopilot in a conversation isn’t as scary as doing so while driving.  The repurcussions don’t seem as tragic.  Until you’re packing your things after one too many fights about whose turn it is to do the dishes.  Or you’re in divorce court because all your conversations were about who spent too much money.  All of a sudden you are hit with a Mack truck.  And it feels horrible.

You are driving this thing called a relationship.  Wake up before it’s too late.