Couple Spotlight: It’s like magic

by Marie McKinney-Oates on January 27, 2012

Today we’re featuring Hanihe and Greg. They are dear friends of mine and (I might be biased) but they might be one of my favorite couples in the history of man. The only couple that could maybe compete is Topanga and Corey. Maybe.

They’ve been together for 6.5 years, married for 1.5, and I’m pretty sure they’ve known each other since pre-puberty. There is something seriously magical about them, and I hope you can learn something from what they share.

hanihe and greg

 

When did you know this person was The One?
Hanihe: I don’t know if there was a moment where I knew he was “The One,” but I remember the moment that I thought ‘I could totally marry him.’ We weren’t doing anything special. We were just in the car driving, and I think I started crying because it was pretty terrifying for me. The thought just entered my mind and never left.
Greg: I’m not sure I had a singular moment either. We knew each other first as friends before we started dating, so I knew a good amount about who she was. When our relationship shifted gears into dating, I really began to see all of our deeper connection points and how she was the complete compliment to my personality. I could never be without her humor, caring, or Hanihe-isms.

What is the most brag-worthy quality in your spouse?
Hanihe: That’s a softball. He is so very smart. When we play trivia, everyone wants to be on Greg’s team.
Greg: She’s driven in a way that I envy. In all of her college classes, an A was/is the only option. The fact that she is better at Call of Duty than a lot of guys I know places as a close 2nd.

What is your proudest accomplishment as a team?
Hanihe: You know, I don’t really know. I feel like we have some big accomplishments coming up. Hopefully in the next few years, we’ll have a kid (or 2!), pay off our cars and school loans.
Greg: Agreed. Our best is ahead of us.
Marie’s Note: Do you know how pretty their kids are going to be? Gah. 

What is the biggest hurdle you’ve overcome as a team?
Hanihe: To be honest, me. I wasn’t in a great relationship before I met Greg. I was captain of self-sabotage and didn’t really trust anyone. I tried really hard to push him away. The first major push I made, he called me on it. He said, “I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work.” Pretty observant for a guy who has only had one other girlfriend (in the 8th grade!)
Greg: Thus far, I think our biggest hurdle was making a long-distance relationship work while we were in college. It was only an hour separation, but it still took effort on both of our parts to see it through.

What was the best year of your relationship? Why?
Hanihe: Since we’ve been married. Living together and calling him my husband has been really great. I was pretty scared of marriage growing up because I come from a pretty dysfunctional family, but he showed me how great it can be to have a permanent teammate. I lost any remnants of crazy I had left.
Greg: I would say the last year has been the best. We’re constantly talking about our plans for the next few years, and it’s deeply gratifying to be building a home and life with her.
Marie’s Note: This part of their relationship is so evident. These two have each other’s back and it’s what I think makes their marriage magical. 

What was the hardest year of your relationship? Why?
2008. Hanihe went to Spain for a month, and Greg was working a lot of hours. We split for a while, and we were both pretty miserable. I think in the end, it showed us how much we meant to each other.

What is one thing a couple can start doing today to change their relationship?
I think we try our best to avoid causing resentment against each other. If we have a problem, we try to talk about it and make sure we know how the other feels. Things left unaddressed only fester. It’s just little things here and there, but we
make sure that each of us gets enough rest or down time to do the things they like.

What tips/advice do you have for couples going through a hard time (either with each other or just life in general)?
Hanihe: Remember that you are each other’s backup. Sure, we all have family and friends that we can rely on, but this is the person you’ve chosen as your partner in life. Don’t take the stresses of life out on each other; help each other through them. I think I’m at my best when Greg’s at his worst because I want to be his support.
Greg: Don’t save something to use as ammunition in an argument later. It’s petty. You’re better than that.
Marie’s Note: Yes, you are. 

Thank you, Hanihe and Greg!!!
Looking for a way to be proactive when it comes to your marriage? Try The Happily Ever After Plan and learn everything you need to know about yourself, your spouse and your relationship to make sure it lasts.
Check out more info about the course here and register for the course here!

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Date Nights are so 2011

by Marie McKinney-Oates on January 23, 2012

In an attempt to get a bit more personal/educational/we-actually-practice-what-we-preach, I thought I’d share a relationship insight that my husband and I recently stumbled across.

Now that we have a baby we are much more aware of the time we spend, or rather don’t spend, with each other. Babies are tiring. And when you’re done taking care of baby you really don’t feel like taking care of your marriage, or what it really feels like, your husband.

Because let’s be honest, the marriage ball is almost always dropped by the woman when a baby enters the picture. Husbands still love date night and spending alone time with their wife and getting, well, any attention at all. I know that my husband loves our son with a fierceness, but he’s admitted that he gets jealous of all the attention I give to the baby.

And on the wife’s side the ball is dropped because we’re really just one person with limited resources. We only have so much time and energy to give and we almost always choose to give it to the baby. You know, since he’s kind of dependent on us because he can’t walk and talk and stuff. So when the husband looks at us and asks, “What about me?” you kind of want to tear someone’s head off.

Which is where date nights come in for us. We were not good at date nights while we were childless. We’re both homebodies and preferred Chinese take out to getting gussied up for a night on the town.  We had more than enough time to connect when it had been too long. But now that we are parents time is a scarce resource so we started carving out nuggets of time during the week (or months if the schedules got too crazy) to try and have husband and wife time.

It started off as Friday nights dropping the baby off with grandparents (if you don’t have grandparents around go find some friendly senior citizens and adopt some, they’re amazing) and having dinner. The problem was that Friday was a day that I worked and would have not seen the baby most of the day and I hated not spending time with him in the evening. Also, I had worked and was tired from it. This led to date nights filled with questions like, “Are we done yet?” or “Can we go pick the baby up now?”. Needless to say it wasn’t exactly what the hubs wanted to hear during Us Time.

We went a few months like this. Me eating dinner as fast as I could so that we could pick up baby, him getting pretty annoyed that I was so uninterested in reconnecting. The tension was growing for sure.

And then all of a sudden I had an epiphany!

Why was it always date night? What about date mornings?

I was way more refreshed in the morning, I wouldn’t feel so rushed to get back to little man and just to be real knowing what time of day you’re most likely to be “in the mood” is an important piece of info when it comes to planning time together. My husband didn’t think it would change anything. He was sure I’d still be in a rush to get home and guess what?

HE WAS WRONG! (Not going to lie, that might be my favorite marriage phrase ever… just kidding!)

We had our first date morning this past Saturday and IT WAS FABULOUS. Sure we had to wake up early on a Saturday to get little man to the grandparents but it was wonderful spending the morning and afternoon relaxed and present with the hubster. And he loved that he finally got more attention than normal.

Takeaways:
1. Your wife loves you, she’s just tired.
2. Your husband isn’t trying to be annoying, he just misses you.
3. Think about 3 times during your week when you are most refreshed. Give one of those times to your spouse.

 

Looking for a way to be proactive when it comes to your marriage? Try The Happily Ever After Plan and learn everything you need to know about yourself, your spouse and your relationship to make sure your love lasts.
Check out more info about the course here and register for the course here!

Need a weekly marriage pick-me-up? Or just some books or tools to help your marriage rock?
Join the Marriage Studio’s weekly (and free!) newsletter here!

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Couple Spot Light: High School Sweethearts to Newlyweds

by Marie McKinney-Oates on January 20, 2012

I think hearing about real marriages from real couples who have dealt with real issues is a great way to sort through your own issues and find answers that can help you.The first couple in the spotlight are Amanda and Ben Butterworth. They are are 27 and 29, respectively, and have been together for nearly 13 years and married for 1.5 years. Thirteen. THIRTEEN. More than half of Amanda’s life! Insanity.

They were gracious enough to answer some of my questions and I loved their answers. I hope this isn’t offensive, but their advice sounds like it’s coming from a much older couple. They seem very mature and I’m sure that is why they have been able to stay together for THIRTEEN YEARS. Seriously…amazing.

Ok, on with the Couple Spot Light of Amanda and Ben…

Amanda and Ben

How long have you been together?
Together for 13 years in March, and married for 1.5 years.When did you know this person was The One?
We cant really pinpoint an exact moment when we knew- we just knew we didnt want to be apart! And as teenagers not wanting to break up and date other people says a lot for a couple and their desire to be together long term

What is the most brag-worthy quality in your spouse?
Ben: His commitment,devotion and dedication to everything he does and everyone in his life

Mandy: She gives me my independence, allows me to pursue my hobbies without complaining; she gives me space to be me when I need it.

 What is your proudest accomplishment as a team?
Our home and the life we’ve started together-the fact that we succeeded at following through with a plan we had set forth as teenagers to finish college, allow our savings to grow and become stable before starting our life together (and its paid off!)

What is the biggest hurdle you’ve overcome as a team?

When Ben graduated high school and went on to college, making it the first time we were doing separate things and the unknown that lie ahead of us and our relationship.


What was the best year of your marriage? Why?
(answered this one and the next one in terms of our relationship instead of marriage due to the lack of years married haha)

The first year we were married was our best year because it felt like a time when we both grew so close, we fought less than we ever had, it seemed as if since we were married, that we knew we had to grow and learn more about each other and work on the little things that annoyed the other person!

What was the hardest year of your marriage? Why?
The hardest time in our relationship was learning to be independent when we were both in college at the same time but in two different cities about 2 hours apart.This taught us patience and proved that absence does make the heart grow fonder! It was beneficial though in hindsight because we were able to grow as individuals and spend time on ourselves while still being in a committed relationship.What’s one thing a couple can start doing today to change their marriage?
Pay attention to each other, talk often, have separate time apart for your own personal fun, breath and think before saying something that could scar that person forever.

What tips/advice do you have for couples going through a hard time (either with each other or just life in general)?
We would say to be honest and open, dont be afraid to tell each other how you feel even if its not what they want to hear. you must be equals no matter what. Always be on the same team and loyal, putting your spouse first.

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