Married Sex. The thought of it doesn’t exactly make you faint with excitement, does it?
As newlyweds, we all thought we could avoid the boredom that everyone attributes to Married Sex:
“Marriage is getting to do it whenever you want! Let the sexual revolution begin!”
“Our sexual energy is electric. We will never fall into a rut. Ever.”
“If you aren’t making magic in the bedroom something must be seriously wrong with you.”
And all the married people were like:
Because Married Sex can be, well, kind of boring. Be for real, if you could only eat filet mignon EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (or even just on Tuesdays when the kids are with your mom), you might be craving some variety. Even if that variety was Ramen or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And it’s not that filet mignon FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE isn’t amazing, it’s that we are human and we get bored.
“I love you” Sex
There are no strings attached with this sex, it’s simply sex because you love one another and you feel connected. Maybe you wrapped up a fun date night where the conversation flowed and you remembered all of the reasons you wanted to spend your lives together. Or you just made it through one of those hard patches that every marriage goes through and you looked up and saw your spouse never left your side and your heart felt like it was going to burst. “I love you” sex is the very best. Have as much of it as possible.
This is more about needs than it is about love. We are humans and we all have sexual appetites. Sometimes Married Sex is just about getting your needs met, and that’s ok! Actually, it’s a lot of fun knowing that your booty call doesn’t require getting in your car at 3 in the morning.
“Are we ok?” Sex
This is a little bit like “I love you” Sex, but it’s more of a question than it is a statement. Sometimes we need reassurance that our bond is intact, and many of us equate sex with connection. This is especially true for husbands since men are more likely to say “I love you” with an orgasm. If your husband has been in the dog house or has been getting mixed signals about whether he’s doing a good job as your husband, he might be wanting sex not so much because of his physical needs, but for his emotional needs. He wants to know you guys are connected, and sex is how he knows he knows he knows.
Reporting for Duty Sex
This is the Married Sex that we kinda sorta dread. It’s scheduled sex. It’s boring sex. It’s non-spontaneous. It’s all the sex, none of the passion. It’s the sex we have so that we don’t go ‘too long’ without it. I’m not the biggest fan of this sex (is anyone?), but I think it’s important for a healthy Married Sex life. Sex in a marriage is like training for a marathon, you aren’t always going to want to but you’ll probably always be glad you did because, if anything, it helps you get closer to a bigger goal which is feeling connected, in love, and holding hands while sitting in rocking chairs on your front porch when you’re 89. This shouldn’t be the only kind of Married Sex you’re having, but don’t feel bad if every once in a while you’d rather do the dishes than do the deed.
Invisible Elephant Sex
This sounds like something out of the Kama Sutra. It’s not. This is when you’re NOT having any Married Sex at all and no one is talking about it because you’re embarrassed/ashamed/hoping everyone will just go along and get along. I don’t know why you’re not having sex and pretending that it’s ok, but please put dealing with this issue at the top of your Marriage To-Do List. If anything, sex is a tool to help couples gauge their satisfaction in the marriage by looking at their satisfaction in the bedroom. Figure out how to talk about the Sexual Elephant in the Room (that’s an image, right?!?) and start sharing what you want your sex life to look like and coming up with a plan on how to get there!
In February we’re rolling out our first edition of the (FREE!) Marriage Studio Magazine. If you’re on any of our mailing lists you’ll get it on Monday, February 2, 2015. This month’s edition is all about Married Sex so if you enjoyed this post and want more tips/thoughts/ideas about improving your sex life make sure you sign up below!