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What Kind of Married Sex Are You Having?

Posted by on Jan 27, 2015 in Nashville Marriage Counseling, Sex | 0 comments

Married Sex. The thought of it doesn’t exactly make you faint with excitement, does it?

As newlyweds, we all thought we could avoid the boredom that everyone attributes to Married Sex:

“Marriage is getting to do it whenever you want! Let the sexual revolution begin!”

“Our sexual energy is electric. We will never fall into a rut. Ever.”

“If you aren’t making magic in the bedroom something must be seriously wrong with you.”

And all the married people were like:

Because Married Sex can be, well, kind of boring. Be for real, if you could only eat filet mignon EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (or even just on Tuesdays when the kids are with your mom), you might be craving some variety. Even if that variety was Ramen or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And it’s not that filet mignon FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE isn’t amazing, it’s that we are human and we get bored.

“I love you” Sex

There are no strings attached with this sex, it’s simply sex because you love one another and you feel connected. Maybe you wrapped up a fun date night where the conversation flowed and you remembered all of the reasons you wanted to spend your lives together. Or you just made it through one of those hard patches that every marriage goes through and you looked up and saw your spouse never left your side and your heart felt like it was going to burst. “I love you” sex is the very best. Have as much of it as possible.

Primal Sex

This is more about needs than it is about love. We are humans and we all have sexual appetites. Sometimes Married Sex is just about getting your needs met, and that’s ok! Actually, it’s a lot of fun knowing that your booty call doesn’t require getting in your car at 3 in the morning.

“Are we ok?” Sex

This is a little bit like “I love you” Sex, but it’s more of a question than it is a statement. Sometimes we need reassurance that our bond is intact, and many of us equate sex with connection. This is especially true for husbands since men are more likely to say “I love you” with an orgasm. If your husband has been in the dog house or has been getting mixed signals about whether he’s doing a good job as your husband, he might be wanting sex not so much because of his physical needs, but for his emotional needs. He wants to know you guys are connected, and sex is how he knows he knows he knows.

Reporting for Duty Sex

This is the Married Sex that we kinda sorta dread. It’s scheduled sex. It’s boring sex. It’s non-spontaneous. It’s all the sex, none of the passion. It’s the sex we have so that we don’t go ‘too long’ without it. I’m not the biggest fan of this sex (is anyone?), but I think it’s important for a healthy Married Sex life. Sex in a marriage is like training for a marathon, you aren’t always going to want to but you’ll probably always be glad you did because, if anything, it helps you get closer to a bigger goal which is feeling connected, in love, and holding hands while sitting in rocking chairs on your front porch when you’re 89. This shouldn’t be the only kind of Married Sex you’re having, but don’t feel bad if every once in a while you’d rather do the dishes than do the deed.

Invisible Elephant Sex

This sounds like something out of the Kama Sutra. It’s not. This is when you’re NOT having any Married Sex at all and no one is talking about it because you’re embarrassed/ashamed/hoping everyone will just go along and get along. I don’t know why you’re not having sex and pretending that it’s ok, but please put dealing with this issue at the top of your Marriage To-Do List. If anything, sex is a tool to help couples gauge their satisfaction in the marriage by looking at their satisfaction in the bedroom. Figure out how to talk about the Sexual Elephant in the Room (that’s an image, right?!?) and start sharing what you want your sex life to look like and coming up with a plan on how to get there!

In February we’re rolling out our first edition of the (FREE!) Marriage Studio Magazine. If you’re on any of our mailing lists you’ll get it on Monday, February 2, 2015. This month’s edition is all about Married Sex so if you enjoyed this post and want more tips/thoughts/ideas about improving your sex life make sure you sign up below!

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Bring Back the Art of the Love Note

Posted by on Jan 19, 2015 in Events | 0 comments

love notes paperkuts

Super excited about this event with paperKuts studio!

We are going to explore the lost art of a handwritten note, and how introducing this art back into your marriage can be just what your love life needs.

When Kim called me to talk about the idea I immediately thought of John Wooden, former head coach of UCLA’s basketball team. This man is amazing in a million ways, but I would argue the love he had for his wife, Nellie, was his greatest legacy. She died 25 years before him and every month after her death he wrote her a love letter:

On Tuesday the best man I know will do what he always does on the 21st of the month. He’ll sit down and pen a love letter to his best girl. He’ll say how much he misses her and loves her and can’t wait to see her again. Then he’ll fold it once, slide it in a little envelope and walk into his bedroom. He’ll go to the stack of love letters sitting there on her pillow, untie the yellow ribbon, place the new one on top and tie the ribbon again.
Rick Reilly, “A Paragon Rising Above the Madness”

Their love story is legendary simply because he took the time to say, with pen and paper, that she matters to him. That she is his best girl. That he can’t wait to see her again.

Don’t you want a legendary love story?

In a lot of ways our text messages to each other serve the same purpose. Quick notes during the day to let your spouse know they matter. But what would happen if we went the extra mile and put it down on paper? Would our spouse feel extra special? Would they treasure this souvenir of love a little bit more?  Would they pass it down for generations to come?

Think about that: The Wooden children and grandchildren have mementos of the love that bore them. Will our kids have that?

In the same way that we need to make sure all the photos we take eventually get off our hard drives and into a photo album, I think we need to make sure the love notes we text get off our phones and into a stack of real love letters tied with a yellow ribbon.

Come join us on Friday, January 30th at paperKuts studio to explore the art of the handwritten note AND hear from mentor couples that already practice this beautiful act of love! Reserve your spot by emailing or calling Kim today! kim@paperkutsstudio.com | 615-885-0231


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