Married Sex. The thought of it doesn’t exactly make you faint with excitement, does it?
As newlyweds, we all thought we could avoid the boredom that everyone attributes to Married Sex:
“Marriage is getting to do it whenever you want! Let the sexual revolution begin!”
“Our sexual energy is electric. We will never fall into a rut. Ever.”
“If you aren’t making magic in the bedroom something must be seriously wrong with you.”
And all the married people were like:
Because Married Sex can be, well, kind of boring. Be for real, if you could only eat filet mignon EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (or even just on Tuesdays when the kids are with your mom), you might be craving some variety. Even if that variety was Ramen or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And it’s not that filet mignon FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE isn’t amazing, it’s that we are human and we get bored.
“I love you” Sex
There are no strings attached with this sex, it’s simply sex because you love one another and you feel connected. Maybe you wrapped up a fun date night where the conversation flowed and you remembered all of the reasons you wanted to spend your lives together. Or you just made it through one of those hard patches that every marriage goes through and you looked up and saw your spouse never left your side and your heart felt like it was going to burst. “I love you” sex is the very best. Have as much of it as possible.
This is more about needs than it is about love. We are humans and we all have sexual appetites. Sometimes Married Sex is just about getting your needs met, and that’s ok! Actually, it’s a lot of fun knowing that your booty call doesn’t require getting in your car at 3 in the morning.
“Are we ok?” Sex
This is a little bit like “I love you” Sex, but it’s more of a question than it is a statement. Sometimes we need reassurance that our bond is intact, and many of us equate sex with connection. This is especially true for husbands since men are more likely to say “I love you” with an orgasm. If your husband has been in the dog house or has been getting mixed signals about whether he’s doing a good job as your husband, he might be wanting sex not so much because of his physical needs, but for his emotional needs. He wants to know you guys are connected, and sex is how he knows he knows he knows.
Reporting for Duty Sex
This is the Married Sex that we kinda sorta dread. It’s scheduled sex. It’s boring sex. It’s non-spontaneous. It’s all the sex, none of the passion. It’s the sex we have so that we don’t go ‘too long’ without it. I’m not the biggest fan of this sex (is anyone?), but I think it’s important for a healthy Married Sex life. Sex in a marriage is like training for a marathon, you aren’t always going to want to but you’ll probably always be glad you did because, if anything, it helps you get closer to a bigger goal which is feeling connected, in love, and holding hands while sitting in rocking chairs on your front porch when you’re 89. This shouldn’t be the only kind of Married Sex you’re having, but don’t feel bad if every once in a while you’d rather do the dishes than do the deed.
Invisible Elephant Sex
This sounds like something out of the Kama Sutra. It’s not. This is when you’re NOT having any Married Sex at all and no one is talking about it because you’re embarrassed/ashamed/hoping everyone will just go along and get along. I don’t know why you’re not having sex and pretending that it’s ok, but please put dealing with this issue at the top of your Marriage To-Do List. If anything, sex is a tool to help couples gauge their satisfaction in the marriage by looking at their satisfaction in the bedroom. Figure out how to talk about the Sexual Elephant in the Room (that’s an image, right?!?) and start sharing what you want your sex life to look like and coming up with a plan on how to get there!
In February we’re rolling out our first edition of the (FREE!) Marriage Studio Magazine. If you’re on any of our mailing lists you’ll get it on Monday, February 2, 2015. This month’s edition is all about Married Sex so if you enjoyed this post and want more tips/thoughts/ideas about improving your sex life make sure you sign up below!
On this episode of The Fights We Have we’re talking about a biggie: In-Laws
Find out how our couple, Brad and Angie, can find a solution and connection on a VERY touchy topic using the Iceberg/Glacier Fight Breakdown!
Super excited about this event with paperKuts studio!
We are going to explore the lost art of a handwritten note, and how introducing this art back into your marriage can be just what your love life needs.
When Kim called me to talk about the idea I immediately thought of John Wooden, former head coach of UCLA’s basketball team. This man is amazing in a million ways, but I would argue the love he had for his wife, Nellie, was his greatest legacy. She died 25 years before him and every month after her death he wrote her a love letter:
On Tuesday the best man I know will do what he always does on the 21st of the month. He’ll sit down and pen a love letter to his best girl. He’ll say how much he misses her and loves her and can’t wait to see her again. Then he’ll fold it once, slide it in a little envelope and walk into his bedroom. He’ll go to the stack of love letters sitting there on her pillow, untie the yellow ribbon, place the new one on top and tie the ribbon again.
Rick Reilly, “A Paragon Rising Above the Madness”
Their love story is legendary simply because he took the time to say, with pen and paper, that she matters to him. That she is his best girl. That he can’t wait to see her again.
Don’t you want a legendary love story?
In a lot of ways our text messages to each other serve the same purpose. Quick notes during the day to let your spouse know they matter. But what would happen if we went the extra mile and put it down on paper? Would our spouse feel extra special? Would they treasure this souvenir of love a little bit more? Would they pass it down for generations to come?
Think about that: The Wooden children and grandchildren have mementos of the love that bore them. Will our kids have that?
In the same way that we need to make sure all the photos we take eventually get off our hard drives and into a photo album, I think we need to make sure the love notes we text get off our phones and into a stack of real love letters tied with a yellow ribbon.
Come join us on Friday, January 30th at paperKuts studio to explore the art of the handwritten note AND hear from mentor couples that already practice this beautiful act of love! Reserve your spot by emailing or calling Kim today! email@example.com | 615-885-0231
There are 2 kinds of marriage advice in this world:
- Marriage is amazeballs and it’s Valentine’s Day all day, every day at your house.
- He has cheated on you 42 times and you want to know if you should leave.
There seems to be very little advice for those of us in the middle, in the real world. So I’m going to start showing you how to walk through the boring, not-a-big-deal-but-totally-a-big-deal fights that married couples have using the Glacier Fight Breakdown. Because the sooner you can figure out what you’re REALLY fighting about the better.
In this episode we’re talking about a couple, William & Kate, and a fight they are having about money. Enjoy!
In November Mark joined our local Planet Fitness. He has always been a trim and athletic guy. And then he met me, and I introduced him to fast food and Netflix marathons. #WifeyFTW
So he joins the gym and he’s ready to shed the pounds he’s gained since we got married. I know that I’m the biggest reason he has gotten to this place so I decide that I’m going to help him. Because I am a good person and I don’t want my husband to die of Netflix-induced obesity.
I do what any good wife would do, and I submit a challenge for his approval:
We can’t have sex again until both of us lose 10 pounds.
I truly believe I’m brilliant. It’s the perfect combination of motivation (everyone loves Hint, Hint), and torturing a spouse as a form of entertainment (“Nope, you may be a resident of the proverbial yard, but you will not be having any of thine milkshake”). Again, I’m brilliant.
But I forgot about a couple of things:
First, we were headed into the holidays. I don’t know if you’ve encountered this, but it’s hard to lose weight between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And if you tell me that you did manage to lose weight during the holidays while eating your awesome all-protein diet, well:
Second, I became like a dude in the sex department. Like any normal person the minute sex was deemed off limits it became ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT.
No, seriously. Where I had been pretty average in the desire department and often choosing more sleep over nookie, I became like a 16-year old boy. I wanted to talk about sex, I was thinking about sex, and I was insisting we have sex. Which had Mark all:
And then he was immediately like:
Needless to say, we did not lose any weight during the holidays, but our sex life has been brought back to life. I had totally forgotten how much fun it is to tease and flirt with my husband in a way that communicated that he is my sexy beast, and not just a “good husband and father.” Yes, he wants to be considered a good husband and father, but there was this rawness in our relationship that seemed to die once we became parents. And even though it was completely by accident (true story: I might have even suggested the challenge because it would take something off of my to-do list during the stress of the holidays), I’m super happy we stumbled upon it once again.
How do you make sure your sex life stays on its A-game? Please share your tricks with the world!
If you’re like most couples you might be coming out of the holidays with fresh battle wounds. You might be thinking that marriage is for the birds and that there is no way all of this fighting is worth it.
You are probably right.
Here’s the thing:
- Holidays are stressful.
- Stress is toxic to a relationship.
- Relationships (can) suck during the holidays.
We are headed into the New Year where everyone is figuring out how to detox their lives. We want to eat better. We want to work out more. We want to spend money more wisely.
I want to challenge you to have better fights this year.
The first step to detoxing your love life and have better, more fulfilling fights is to know what you’re actually fighting about.
Yes, you have to know what you are fighting about.
Most people think they know what they are fighting about. You think you’re fighting about in-laws or money or who forgot to pick the kid up from daycare.
But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
You have to know what you are really fighting about. Let’s look at some of the most common fights couples have and dig a little bit deeper:
“We always fight about the in-laws.”
Most couples fight about the in-laws. Even if you have beautiful and wonderful people to call your in-laws, it can be a tricky dance to figure out where the families that raised both of you ends and the family you’re in the middle of creating begins.
You might think you are fighting about where to spend the holidays or whether you should borrow money from a father-in-law, but I want you to dig. What is the feeling underneath the fight?
Are you scared of offending your parents by hanging out with your in-laws?
Are you embarrassed to tell your father-in-law that you need money, even if he’s happy to loan it to you?
Are you hurt that your husband prefers his mom’s tree decorating to yours?
Are you jealous of the relationship your wife has with her siblings?
Do you feel left out at his family’s gatherings even if they are the most wonderful people in the world and it doesn’t make sense to feel like an outsider?
You can figure out logistics to manage in-laws and the holidays, but if you don’t deal with the heart issues you’ll be missing out on the connection and intimacy that make married life a gift.
“We can’t agree about money.”
Money fights are supposed to be the main reason people get divorced. But I’m going to challenge you to look underneath the topic and talk about all the feels.
Are you afraid his spending is going to put you in the poorhouse?
Do you feel disrespected when she tells you you’re spending too much?
Do her fantasies about a bigger house or nicer car make you feel inadequate as a provider, even if she thinks it’s just as fun to dream as to have?
We know that rich people AND poor people both get divorced so it can’t simply be a matter of having or not having. Again, money issues are really heart issues that need to be addressed.
“Sex. It used to be awesome. And now?”
I don’t think many people have actual fights about sex, but I think it’s where tons of conflict lives. And it’s silent conflict which is the worst kind of conflict. Whether you’re having no sex or you’re having boring sex, start thinking about how your sex life feels.
Does his rejection leave you feeling insecure?
Does her indifference leave you feeling crushed?
Does his lack of effort in the romance department communicate that you’re unworthy?
Your sex life is a great gauge for your relationship’s health, and paying attention to how your sex life feels can give you serious clues about the state of your marriage overall.
This year detox your marriage and commit to dealing with the FEELINGS underneath your fiercest fights and not just the circumstances around them.
We hosted our first Marriage Studio Webinar for our members. We shared our special tool for breaking down your most common fight to find out what is really bugging you so that you can move past fighting and start connecting again!
If you haven’t joined the Marriage Studio yet, go join now!